Today was the day that all Targets were supposed to officially switch from “back to school” from “Halloween,” or so the said the rumor mill.
Turns out, the news was only partially true. I had to hit three different Targets to finally escape the spread of schoolbags and notebooks, but in the end, I hit the jackpot.
And boy, did I go overboard. A combination of hysteria and a massive hangover made me toss all reservations aside. I filled that red cart to the point where I could barely push it. If an item had even the remotest tie to Halloween, I had to have it.
Keep in mind, what you can kinda-sorta see in the above photo isn’t even the half of it. That was just “Round 1.” By the time I circled the aisles for Round 27, I’d convinced myself that the slivers of carrots in their bagged salads made them tried-and-true Halloween items. Basically, I’m a sick bastard, and the only ones benefitting are Target and American Express.
…which brings me to Lucky Charms Treats. One of today’s many scores. They’re not at the top of anyone’s Halloween shopping list, and yeah, they do sort of blend in with the less-exciting gamut of “special edition Halloween stuff that isn’t really special or Halloweeny.” But that’s only if you don’t look at them closely enough.
I did, and I was rewarded with one of the true dark horses of the season. These treats aren’t going to win the big race against Frute Brute or Ghoul-Aid, but they’re still going to TRY.
It’s a tall box of 25 mini-sized cereal bars, featuring Lucky in a sheet ghost costume. Love how he cut that extra hole for his four-leaf clover. Lucky knew that even the lightest sheet would crush that shit.
I realize that this photo doesn’t offer any sense of scale, so I ask that you imagine a quarter in the spread. That quarter would be around the size of Lucky’s face. Maybe it’d be easier if I just told you that they were “small bars?” Does it bug you that I’m not offering exact measurements?
Now, here’s the important thing. You’ve seen the box, and you’ve seen the wrappers. They’re decorated for the season, but if the story stopped there, there wouldn’t be much of a story. This would just be more “Halloween candy that isn’t really Halloween candy,” and I’d be a fool for dedicating an entire post to them.
Lose your skepticism, because these things have ORANGE FROSTING.
Or icing, or whatever you’d call that. The bottoms of the bars are smeared with 100% Halloween orange frosting (or icing, or whatever), effectively transforming Lucky Charms Treats from “skippable junk food” to “exactly what Mariah was talking about in her 1994 hit, Without You.”
Not kidding. That orange goo changes EVERYTHING. Now I can serve these at my Halloween party without shame. Now I can give them to trick-or-treaters and feel like I was one of the “good houses.” Now I have an edible swatch for whenever I next have the urge to paint one of my walls in a really regrettable color.
The rest of the treats are almost as grand, treating Lucky’s formerly defined marshmallows as nondescript toxic monsters. Even before you’re biting them to death, you can kind of hear their screams. I think this is the right season to torture marshmallows.
I can’t remember what they cost. I only remember the total bill for everything Target forced on me, which, had the funds been redirected, may have been enough for me to purchase Barbados outright.
Recommended! They’re tasty, they’re striped with orange slime, and they come in a box that looks like it should only be distributing tissues. Everything about Lucky Charms Treats works.