The Mausoleum of Madness, Part II!
Welcome to Dinosaur Dracula’s MAUSOLEUM OF MADNESS, PART II! Every day through Halloween, check back for another vintage creepy collectible – everything from deep cut toys to ancient store displays to at least one totally insane costume. Probably ten cereal boxes, too.
I won’t be plugging this on social media much, so you’ll have to remember to visit on your own. Maybe stick an orange Post-It on the fridge. (Yes, it must be orange.)
PS, if you missed last year’s Mausoleum of Madness, it’s over here.
#69: Telco Sheet Ghost! (1980s)
Well, here’s the last Telco Motionette that will be featured in this year’s Mausoleum of Madness. A bittersweet moment!
The 24” Sheet Ghost is one I’d been after for a long while. One of the earliest Motionettes, he rarely pops up nowadays. While standing at the same two-foot height as most of the others, the size of the sheet makes him seem enormous. His advanced age is betrayed by the fact that he sounds like a dying HP printer when he moves.
Mr. Ghost was a fitting final grab before the season closed, as while there are other Motionettes that I desperately want, this was the only one I had a reasonable shot at finding. Pretty wild that I managed to snag all of my favorite Telco monsters in a single season, excluding a few that are basically that arena’s version of Legendary Pokemon.
This Telco thing has been a wild ride. It’s been a long time since I collected anything this hard. Actually, it’s been a long time since I really even identified as a collector of anything specific. Three months of constant searches, winding drives and wallet checks was its own kind of nostalgia!
#68: The Almighty Bonesy! (1991)
Some of you will look at this and just see an ordinary grim reaper, but, well… IYKYK.
Actually, this is Bonesy, part of the incredibly rare and very internet-famous line of Oozers action figures, from Irwin Toys in 1991.
These were released in Canada and never available in the States. They eventually found fame here, though, thanks to a YouTube upload of the old TV commercial, which was so preposterous and over-the-top, many people – including me – initially mistook it as a modern parody.
Oozers was a collection of monster figures that each came with a tube of slime, with which you could fill the figures, squeeze them, and then watch neon goo burst from their various orifices. In Bonesy’s case, red gel horrifically leaked right out of his eyes!
The figures almost never pop up, and Bonesy seems to be the rarest of them all. I’ve only ever seen him for sale one time, and I was quick to the draw, even if it meant paying more for a rubber reaper than anyone really should.
#67: The Dracula Pop! (1980s)
This ad comes from Germany, where amazingly well-molded DRACULA POPS reigned supreme. Blood red and strawberry-flavored, this particular interpretation of Dracula has the longest fangs of ‘em all. Those are carrot-sized canines, and I’m completely down with them.
When I tell you that they were a distant cousin of the Vampire’s Secret ice pops I’m always going on about, I mean it. These Dracula Pops were produced by Langnese, which was literally Germany’s version of Good Humor. (Both shared the same parent company, Unilever.)
Since my idea of a long trip is going to what I’ve termed “the other Walmart,” no, I can’t say that I ever experienced Germany’s gothiest dessert. Even so, I have no doubt that they were very good, since they looked like spookier versions of those old Mickey’s Parade pops.
#66: Halloween Monster Figure! (Early ‘90s)
This ultra-obscure line of budget action figures had been my white whale for over a decade. It’s not that they never pop up, but when they do, sellers generally request both kidneys and the deed to your soul. A while back, I finally found a few for a decent price.
Halloween Monster was a series of cheap action figures produced exclusively for Walmart. I believe they’re from the very early ‘90s, but it may have been the late ‘80s. These likely would’ve been stocked in the seasonal section with all of the other Halloween novelties, and not necessarily in the toy aisles.
If this twisted creature seems familiar but you can’t put your finger on why, it’s because the Halloween Monster series reworked the molds from an even earlier line of cheap action figures – Monster Man – which was meant to mimic characters from Hasbro’s Inhumanoids. (Check out Redsun from that line, and note the vague resemblance!)
If you want to see some other figures from this collection, I posted them on Instagram.
The weirdo figures are tremendous, but it’s really the packaging that puts them over the top. Sometimes, when you give a designer five colors and five minutes, magic happens.
#65: Telco Skull String Lights! (1988)
These are special. While there are a million vintage strands of skull string lights that look something like this, only one looks exactly like this.
They were made by Telco, and if you’ve been paying attention to this feature, you know that’s why I wanted them. But it wasn’t merely for name value. See, while there might be a million vintage strands of skull string lights, these were specifically modeled to resemble the same skulls that so many of the Telco Motionettes carry around!
They’re very hard to find, because there are sooo many similar sets, from companies who didn’t just try to copy the look of Telco’s lights, but also their classic packaging. Since most sellers don’t bother to identify company names with stuff like this, you might need to weed through hundreds of listings to find a legit Telco set, and even then, there are no guarantees.
When I won these on eBay, some asshole almost succeeded in getting the seller to pass them his way instead. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WEIRDO. I don’t mention this for revenge’s sake, but only to illustrate that they’re rare enough to make people act like lunatics.
My Telco kick notwithstanding, I really do feel that these are the best-looking of the many skull string light sets out there. You wouldn’t think there’d be that much of a difference between them all, but there is, and I challenge anyone to find me a more attractive set. (You can’t!)
#64: RGB Bike Happy Meal! (1991)
This info sheet was sent to McDonald’s franchisees to drum up interest in the second (and last) Real Ghostbusters Happy Meal. They did a set of school supplies in 1987, but then in 1991, we got a batch of… um… bicycle accessories?
If you’re wondering why they made school supplies and bike junk instead of “regular” toys, my best guess is that companies like Kenner had exclusive rights for that kinda stuff.
I haven’t heard from many folks who remember buying this Happy Meal in 1991, and I don’t either, so it’s very possible that it was only available regionally – presumably in areas with robust cycling communities and many paid subscriptions to BMX Plus.
(FWIW, it did have a wider release in Canada, but I know it was in the States, too. Just probably not in every state.)
You might not imagine much when you hear “bicycle accessories,” but wow, this was an overachiever. From left to right, we have the wind-powered Egon Spinner, a Slimer Bike Horn, an electronic Ecto-1 Siren, and finally the PKE Drink Bottle, which I might call my favorite, if only for the sheer absurdity of a water bottle shaped like a PKE meter!
#63: Topstone Animated Ghost! (Late ‘80s)
Before anyone gives me shit, no, this is NOT another Telco thing. Not technically, anyway. This beautifully bizarre ghoul is from Topstone, one of the many companies who saw how successful Telco was with their Motionettes, and decided to make cheaper, jankier versions of them.
I actually just got home with this. Saw something familiar poking out of a bin in a yard sale preview photo on Marketplace, and I knew that oddly-shaped head could’ve only belonged to the Topstone Ghost. Begged the kind folks to meet up with me tonight, to avoid Saturday morning traffic, plus the very real threat of some dumbass picker grabbing him first.
Though rare, the Topstone Ghost is pretty unpopular in the Motionette community. I’ve seen one collector remark that he looks like a condom, which is… admittedly accurate. But I love him. I love his goofy tongue, his ill-fitting sheet, and the fact that he’s curiously choking himself. He was worth the 15 bucks and the 80 minutes of driving. Welcome home, bud.
#62: Basement Halloween Party! (1970s)
I bought these two photo slides of a total stranger’s Halloween party, staged from a basement in what I’m guessing was the late ‘70s. (It couldn’t be much older than that. The box of Nabisco Swiss Cheese crackers is a telltale time-marker. God I miss those!)
I love how this decidedly adult soiree was decorated like a third grade class party. We’ve got the orange-and-black streamers, die-cut Beistle decorations, and a couple of classic blow molds. These were my kind of people.
In keeping with the trends of the time, every flat surface was covered in chaos. Neither rhyme nor reason squirreled their way into even one square inch of that basement. If you sneezed, you’d knock forty things over, and that is exactly the vibe I strive for.
While I can’t identify the various foods strewn about the mismatched tables, I remain confident that cocktail weenies were on the menu, and that they were explicitly, repeatedly referred to as such.
#61: Telco “Kong” Motionette! (1980s)
Of all my many Telco scores this season, I consider this my greatest. From the late ‘80s, this is the 24” Telco “King Kong” Motionette – in quotes because they never actually called it that, even if it’s clearly what they were going for.
I picked him up early in the season when I was just starting to get into these, and it was a classic case of beginner’s luck. He’s easily worth over a grand, but I didn’t pay nearly that much. Not even close. It was such a good deal that I doubted the seller would ever ship the thing.
Even then, Kong exceeded all expectations. This guy is in gem mint condition, and looks like some scale replica animatronic a theme park might’ve used to pitch an expansion. He’s huge, with glowing orange eyes, animated arms, and a head that continuously swivels back and forth.
He works perfectly, too. Course, I don’t turn him on very often, as he’s damn near irreplaceable and I don’t want to tempt fate. Kong wasn’t even on my radar when I began collecting these, but if my place caught fire and I could only save one Motionette, it’d be this gorilla.
I’ve had him for weeks now, and the novelty hasn’t dissipated. Just one of those things that feels too exquisite to own. It boggles my mind that these big, heavy, expensive-looking apes were ever mass-produced and in stores like Kmart. He FEELS like a one-of-one, you know?
