The Mausoleum of Madness, Part II!
Welcome to Dinosaur Dracula’s MAUSOLEUM OF MADNESS, PART II! This is a multipage feature. Page links are are at the bottom, or you can visit the starting page over here. Enjoy your stay at the Mausoleum, and pay no attention to the disembodied moans.
#55: Telco Frankenstein! (Late ‘80s)
Telco made many different Frankenstein Motionettes back in the day. I should know, as this is the third one I’ve collected. I wasn’t really planning to feature any of them here, but something about this guy begged me to bash keyboards.
For one thing, he’s actually quite rare. This is a “Ghoul Size” Telco Motionette, a plug-powered subset that lingered somewhere between the height of their 17” battery-operated Motionettes, and the 24” electric versions. They’re scarcely seen nowadays, which is a shame, because the scale really works for them.
Aside from the illuminated lantern and usual animations, Frank also has a dial on his base that summons an endless stream of cackling. I would not describe that laughter as sounding particularly Frankenstein-like, but it’s a nice bonus all the same.
Mostly though, I wanted to celebrate this as my first-ever purchase from OfferUp, one of those not-quite-eBay sites where buyers are technically protected but still need to check Vegas odds on if their purchases will ever arrive. I gave myself a 65% chance, and it turned out to be a good bet.
With his Furiosa makeup and candlelight skin tone, Frank has finally found a forever home.
#54: MIMP Mansion! (1992)
Before you get too excited, this was never released. I found it in a Matchbox retailer brochure from 1992, so they obviously intended to make them at one point. Whoever convinced ‘em to ditch the idea was obviously a complete idiot.
The Super Scary Haunted Mansion would’ve been a two-floor playset for your Monster in My Pocket figures, complete with furniture. The brochure even mentioned “electronic sounds,” which I’m guessing were some variation of “AIYEEEEE” or “GRRRRR.”
The demented abode looks like it took inspiration in equal parts from the White House, the Hall of Justice, and the putrid, rotting soul of Satan himself.
It’s worth noting that the mansion in this brochure was a prototype, and the finished product probably would’ve looked a little different. Whatever. It could’ve been half this cool, and I still would’ve demanded it from Santa.
As much as I loved the MIMP Monster Mountain, it was decidedly not a playset. It sure would’ve been nice to give those little freaks a them-scale spot to watch TV and make chicken cacciatore.
#53: Monster Bash Mega Banner! (1993)
This is a TEN-FOOT retail banner celebrating the Pepsi / Doritos 1993 “Monster Bash” campaign, where the Universal Monsters encouraged us to spend Halloween guzzling soda and devouring chips.
There were a number of point-of-purchase displays tied to that promotion, and they turn up on the collectors’ market surprisingly often. This one, though, I’ve only seen once. I was quick to grab it, because my policy with ten-foot junk food banners has always been, “buy first, figure out where to fuckin’ put it later.”
Given the size and the weatherproof material, I’m thinking these were meant to be hung on long fences or the sides of buildings. If they actually were inside stores, maybe they would’ve covered the long rows of windows at the front of supermarkets.
The big highlight is the inclusion of the Invisible Man, who was the Halloween mascot for – of course – Crystal Pepsi. While the other monsters on that banner was around for multiple Pepsi/Doritos promos in the ‘90s, the Invisible Man only got one shot, thanks to Crystal Pepsi’s grisly, premature death.
#52: Ronrico Rumkin Ad! (1982)
Even when I still drank, rum was never my thing. I’d only endure the spirit when enticed by a particularly ornate tiki glass. Despite that, the Ronrico Rumkin – a special Halloween cocktail, you see – doesn’t sound half bad!
It’s just rum and orange juice with a splash of grenadine, stirred into what kinda sorta qualifies as a creepy cocktail thanks to its pumpkinish color. (The cute witch and potentially phony cat did the heavy lifting to give this ad any seasonal flair. On its own, nobody would look at the Ronrico Rumkin and think “Halloween.”)
The drink does sound classy, I’ll give it that. When it comes to Halloween and alcohol, we’re either dealing with cheap beer or novelty cocktails. The Ronrico Rumkin, by contrast, seems like something you’d sip alone at night, maybe while reading select volumes of Time-Life’s Mysteries of the Unknown.
#51: Telco Devil Motionette! (1989)
When I got into Telco’s Halloween Motionettes, it seemed like I’d only ever admire the Devil from afar. I’d probably never even see it in person, much less have one in my possession. He was too rare. Too valuable. TOO RED.
But, somehow, he’s here. There are a few versions of the 24″ Devil Motionette; this particular example is the 1989 “bug-eyed” edition, distinguishable by his psychotic yellow irises. I paid what some of you might consider a lot, but what a Telco collector would instantly recognize as a wild bargain.
There’s good news and bad news. The good news is, he’s in fabulous condition. Even came with the original pitchfork (not pictured), still in its factory bag. The bad news is, his motor ain’t working, so at present, he doesn’t move. I knew this when I bought him, though, and at the price I paid, he was still worth getting.
He could be fixed, but I’m not emotionally prepared to handle Motionette surgery. Not gonna press my luck. He’s a beautiful, demented, two-foot devil, and that’s good enough for me. This week, at least.
The crazy thing is, I’m not even sure that this would qualify as my biggest Telco score of the season. It arguably was, given the Devil’s popularity, but I’ve found a few others that might be even more impressive. I’ll tell you about them later, though. Today is all about the impish lord of the underworld. Give the Telco Devil his due.
