The Mausoleum of Madness, Part II!
Welcome to Dinosaur Dracula’s MAUSOLEUM OF MADNESS, PART II! This is a multipage feature. Page links are are at the bottom, or you can visit the starting page over here. Enjoy your stay at the Mausoleum, and pay no attention to the lurking ghouls.
#35: Telco Vampire Bat! (1988)
I’ve been on a major Telco Motionette kick this year. Like, to an extent that you could probably classify as a problem. I haven’t even opened the 24” Red Death yet, and he came two weeks ago. And I’ve never even seen The Phantom of the Opera! I don’t know who “Red Death” is!
Come to Jesus moments aside, there was no way I was turning down a shot at Telco’s Vampire Bat, one of the most unique Motionettes the company ever made. Instead of standing on a base like the rest of them, this one is meant to be hung from the ceiling, where it can slowly flap its huge wings while turning its head from side to side.
Telco made a few different versions of the Vampire Bat in the late ‘80s, and while they all look similar, this one has the can’t-miss feature of GLOWING RED EYES. I don’t see the point in buying a bat who doesn’t have glowing red eyes when there’s an option to get one who does. It’s simple math.
I just love him. He looks more like a prop from an old dark ride than something our mothers bought at Kmart. I have no idea where to hang him, and working with hooks and string is several levels of effort beyond my normal threshold, but I’m very happy to be living with a demon who makes broken dehumidifier noises when I plug him in.
#34: Fruity Yummy Mummy! (1987)
This here is a rare boy. A first-edition box of Fruity Yummy Mummy, which is dated 1987, even if research indicates that the cereal didn’t actually hit stores until 1988. I’ve been after one of these babies FOREVER.
Fruity Yummy Mummy only lasted until 1992, making it the second shortest-lived Monster Cereal, after poor Carmella Creeper. (We hardly knew ye.) I don’t know if we can call a four-year run a “flop,” but our rainbow-bandaged pal certainly didn’t have the staying power of Count Chocula.
Now, many of you surely remember FYM’s one-year revival in 2013, which included a Target-exclusive “retro” box. If you think I should’ve saved a pile of money and been happy with that, I’m ready to defend my decision.
See, the character pictured on this first-edition box was later redesigned with a stouter, more cartoony appearance. Which was the version Target had on their retro boxes. So, if you want the ORIGINAL Fruity Yummy Mummy – tall, lanky and Karloffish – you gotta get a true ‘80s box.
So I did. And I have no regrets.
#33: Gross Bottle of Ecto Cooler! (1990)
It had been a long time since I added anything to my Hi-C Ecto Cooler collection, and then this disgusting/beautiful thing came along. It’s not the only bottle of brown Ecto Cooler in my possession, but it does have the distinction of being the oldest.
This particular bottle is from 1990, which wasn’t long after Ecto’s debut. The label design went through many changes over the years – some subtle, others dramatic – but this OG look was always my favorite, and it’s the one I think of whenever Ecto Cooler is mentioned.
If you think THE BROWNING OF THE ECTO was simply a result of it being trapped in a clear bottle, nah. That certainly could’ve expedited the process, but I’ve emptied old Ecto Cooler juice boxes before, and the once-green drink was this same shade of sewage.
And the bottle’s misshapenness? Not a result of anyone dropping it. It just happens on its own, over time. From what I’ve read, it’s because the Ecto is actually slowly permeating through the plastic, evaporating, and then causing enough of a pressure change for the bottle to partly implode.
Sounds like something I should keep my eye on, but if I’m being honest, this bottle is going on a shelf, where I’ll gleefully ignore it until the whole thing sprays decades-old Hi-C all over my office.
#32: Matchbox Razzcals! (1987)
Dated 1986 but formally launched in 1987, Matchbox’s Razzcals were indirectly but indisputably inspired by the success of My Pet Monster. After that guy captured the hearts of millions, an absolute slew of weird, plushie monster dolls suddenly hit the market, desperate to capture lightning in a bottle.
Few succeeded, and among the casualties of capitalism were these oddly-cute neon creatures who made assorted rude sounds when you squeezed them, all while their colorful tongues unfurled like party horns. (Which made sense, because they used the same technology.)
There was a fairly large line of Razzcals; this particular one is named “Grumples.” They’ve remained affordable on the collectors’ market, if only because nobody has ever heard of them. These things barely lasted a year in stores.
I guess, in the end, teardrop-shaped demon imps that made “pffft” noises had a limited audience.
#31: Are You Ready for Freddy! (1988)
When it comes to The Fat Boys, I think of two things.
First is Disorderlies, their 1987 film, which under ordinary circumstances wasn’t something I ever would’ve seen, but did, at least ten times, because my old best friend’s family had it on VHS, and they watched it constantly.
Second, of course, is Are You Ready For Freddy, the total banger that served as the theme to A Nightmare on Elm Street 4. It’s one of the songs that made me a fan of “Halloween music” as a genre. The Fat Boys at their finest.
Not only is it a great track, but it had a killer music video, plus that fantastic promo shot on the 12” single. I’ve been chasing this record for years, and finally found one at the right price. It looks so utterly frameable, and I intend to put that theory to the test later today.
Are You Ready for Freddy was one of the first songs added to the Halloween Jukebox over twenty years ago, so yes, the love affair goes back decades. I can’t imagine the spooky season without it!
