This week’s Saturday Night Thread is brought to you by some kind of fruity salad from Wendy’s.
We’ve all had those nights when we’re hungry, hopeless and scouring YouTube for old fast food commercials. You’ll sit there watching Jason Alexander fumble around with a McDLT, angry that you can’t do the same thing today.
It’s tasty irony. Fast foods normally go extinct because they’re unpopular, but it’s because they go extinct that certain fast foods grow into legends. Your stomach is just like you: It doesn’t want things until they’re no longer attainable.
I guess it’s that phenomena that’s turned me into such a devoted scout of “limited time” food items. Take Wendy’s new Berry Almond Chicken Salad, a short release in celebration of All Things Summer. It’s here now, but it won’t be here forever, and it might not return next year.
Decades from now, the next-next-next generation will trade memories about that long ago June when Wendy’s shoved a bunch of waxy strawberry parts into mounds of lettuce. The thought makes me want to archive this while I still can, like a mutant version of a curator.
I probably wouldn’t have bothered, but I just find the Berry Almond Salad so utterly fascinating.
I know that “fruit in fast food salads” is nothing new, but it’s usually just apples and oranges. I am so tired of apples and oranges. Here, there are blueberries and huge slices of strawberries. Seriously huge. Like, I’m looking at these strawberry pieces and imagining them whole, and my brain simply cannot comprehend strawberries of that size. God knows what kind of voodoo magic is going on in Wendy’s secret laboratories. If only they’d use their powers for something more critical than giant strawberries.
There’s also lettuce, cheese, a generous amount of sliced almonds (you get a whole baggie of those), and grilled chicken pieces that look much better in person than they do in that photo.
Actually, the whole salad looks better in person. I tried to get the photo just right, but neither my camera nor the salad would cooperate. Maybe salad hates technology. Maybe it’s the other way around. Or maybe food from Wendy’s just isn’t meant for close-ups under hard light.
Taste? Very good. It totally works. You just need to avoid eating the chicken and strawberries in the same bite. It will only make you feel like you’re eating slimy candy chicken.
I made my own dressing at home, because fast food salad dressings come in two types: Delicious but as unhealthy as a triple cheeseburger, or fat free and flavored like the cold urine of a rabbit who ate nothing but lemons.
I’m not even sure what their “stock dressing” for this one is, because the guy at Wendy’s gave me three different packets. Avocado Ranch, Creamy Red Jalapeno and Raspberry Vinaigrette. These will remain forever inside our Refrigerator Drawer of Fast Food Condiments. We never take anything out of there, and I shudder to think about how old some of those ketchup packets must be by now, but God damn, when the guy at Wendy’s gives you a bunch of salad dressing, you don’t throw it away.
Someday, I’ll figure out a way to repurpose that dressing. It’s good to have goals.
Happy SNT, if you’re here for it. You might not be. Slow week here on Dino Drac. Working on fixing that. I just need people to stop hiring me.