Creepy Commercials Countdown: Schlage Security System!

The Creepy Commercials Countdown!
October 12th, 2012: “Schlage Security System!” (1987)

In 1987, Schlage advertised their security systems by way of an intrusive vampire who feared loud noises.

I love them for this.

I also love them for being named “Schlage.” Such a fun word to say. It’s even fun to type. Schlage Schlage Schlage.

Here, a sexy woman goes to bed, confident that she will not be eaten by vampires. This fearlessness is directly attributable to her brand new Schlage security system.

See? She knew it. VAMPIRES. They’re always after her. I’m guessing it’s because she lives in what has to be a vampire’s former castle. Seriously, watch the ad. It has all the trappings. Big pillars, ambient mist, the whole nine yards.

She robbed that vampire, no doubt about it. Just look at his face. It isn’t a face that says, “I’m hungry and I want to drink blood.” It’s a face that says, “Bitch stole my house.”

This vampire can’t wait to taste revenge. He suspects it will taste like sweet potato gnocchi. Vampires are weird.

Upon opening Sexy Woman’s window, the ghoul is assaulted by crazy sirens. You might argue that sirens shouldn’t be effective in shooing a vampire, but let me remind you that this guy was clearly seen in his BAT FORM early in the commercial. If you have a bat form, you have bat hearing. If you hear things like a bat does, security alarms are going to absolutely wreck your shit.

Thus, the vampire retreats. He’ll hide in his coffin and develop a better strategy. Something with earplugs, something with an assault rifle. He’ll be back.

Schlage’s security system looked a bit like the Atari 7800, which debuted only a year before this commercial. The resemblance was clearly intentional. Schlage wanted to trick people into believing that their security systems came with Pole Position II.

It didn’t.

…but it could cause vampires to make faces like dead people from The Ring.

And that was so worth 200 bucks.