Below: Five of this year’s hottest holiday junk foods, from punny M&M’s to THE BEST POSSIBLE SLURPEE.

Nutmeg & Cinnamon Triscuit!

I love Triscuits but I hate writing about them, because deep down I know that you shouldn’t pluralize them that way. If I want to refer to several Triscuit crackers, I have to do it just like that: Triscuit crackers. That’s so annoying. We’re calling them Triscuits.

These are good, but mostly in a “they taste enough like regular Triscuits for the love to keep piercing” sort of way. Call me a Scrooge, but I believe Triscuits should always be predominantly savory. These taste like normal Triscuits made babies with Cinnamon Chex, and like, I don’t want to think about Triscuits fucking.

But maybe I’m missing the point. Thanks to their cinnamonness (even less of a word than “Triscuits”), the crackers pair well with many things that normal Triscuits struggle with, like apple slices and steaming gobs of yams.

GRADE: B, which stands for Because They’re Christmas Triscuits And That’s Enough. Read More…

Here’s a collection of ancient newspaper ads, all with a Christmas flavor. May they fill you with nostalgia and joy and maybe Swiss Miss.

Candy Canes and Ninja Turtles! (1991)

Family Dollar was hardly the first place gift-givers would’ve hit while hunting for TMNT figures, but even the least-likely chains knew better than to sail through the biggest shopping season without the top dogs. (Or top turtles, in this case.)

Note how they photographed Mikey and Triceraton over a sheet of cotton “snow.” Whenever my mother bought a similar snow sheet for her ceramic nativity set, I earmarked it for faux-wintry action figure adventures. (Like my Hordak figure didn’t already have enough trouble standing.) Read More…

Y’all remember the time McDonald’s pitched Chicken McNuggets as actual literal Christmas presents, right?

In 1987, McDonald’s unveiled Holiday Chicken McNuggets, which came in awesomely complicated packages that looked (and even opened like) gift boxes.

It wasn’t McD’s only push for people to serve Chicken McNuggets at holiday parties, but it was certainly their biggest. As if the intricate boxes weren’t enough, McDonald’s also included two limited edition sauces that tied perfectly into the season.

I’d kill to see McDonald’s try something like this again. They still do Christmassy promotions, but what I really want is the chance to turn fast food into fine dining. I want to use the good plates on Chicken McNuggets.

Until such time, I’ll have to make do with bizarre recreations.

I was lucky enough to find one of the original Holiday McNugget boxes from thirty years ago, so all I needed were fresh nugs.

While waiting on line, I thought about telling the cashier why I needed them, which would’ve signaled the start of my even-grittier reboot of Falling Down. It didn’t happen, but the daydream sure made those five minutes pass faster. Read More…