Get set for another edition of Five Retro TV Commercials, because I know you’re dying to see Charlie Brown sell life insurance. You’re so ironic.

Nickelodeon Sweepstakes Promo! (1986)

Here we had Nickelodeon bragging about its many on-air giveaways. If you shipped out 6000 skateboards or whatever, you’d brag too.

There are serious treasures hiding in here. Let’s start with the offbeat series of prizes Nick chose to feature, which included a goddamned Rock Lords figure. The fact that Nickelodeon’s in-house graphics team spent two weeks making a Rock Lords figure fly out of a cartoon cash register will forever be my happy thought.

Then there’s a message from a lucky girl who won one of Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Runs, where kids went to Toys “R” Us and took home as many free toys as they could demonstrably eat. Or something to that effect.

(That shot of her surrounded by ‘80s toys is glorious, even if I don’t understand why she wanted 10 identical Lights Alive picture makers.)

We were also reminded that some kids won an opportunity to run through the Double Dare obstacle course, a prize that by 1986 standards may have been even more falsetto-worthy than a toy store shopping spree. Read More…

In this edition of Five Retro TV Commercials, you’ll see everything from old pizza to old action figures to old cough drops. That’s my pitch.

Pizza Hut’s “Great White” Pizza! (1993)

I’m low-key obsessed with Pizza Hut’s discontinued specialty pies. By “low-key” I mean I’ve written songs about them.

There rarely seemed to be any strong impetus. Pizza Hut would just throw a bunch of shit at the dough and figure out a theme later. Good for them. I never pencil before I ink, either.

Everything about this particular pizza sounds amazing. Correlating it with Jaws might seem as if Pizza Hut was making mountains out of molehills, but I prefer to think of it as making Great Whites out of Gruyère.

FYI: The four-cheese Great White was sold at the same time as Pizza Hut’s more famous Bigfoot Pizza, which was like 42 feet long and I guess covered with fur. Just imagine calling a pizzeria to order a shark and a Sasquatch and ACTUALLY GETTING THEM. Read More…

I love sharks, you love sharks, everybody loves sharks. Let’s spend the whole day obsessing over sharks!

The Purple Stuff Podcast has finally returned, thanks to the peeps who demanded it with pitchforked pleas. (And we appreciate that — you guys rule.)

This week, me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit spend one full hour talking about SHARKS. It’s our sharkstravaganza, covering everything from Shark Bites fruit snacks to Skeletor’s Land Shark. Pretty sure we dish about Jaws: The Revenge in here, too.

Many thanks to everyone for not giving up on the show during its hiatus. Listen to the new episode by clicking the giant, ugly play button down below!

You can also download this week’s episode by right-clicking here.

Hope you enjoy! Read More…