2017’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 2!

I’m back with more of this year’s hottest Halloween junk food. Some are new for 2017, others are just new to Dino Drac.

If you missed Part 1, start there!

Since three of these are pumpkin spice-related, I’ll admit that my prediction about last year being THE last year for the pumpkin spice craze was way off

(Alternatively, I could go back and edit old articles until I’m correct. I might.)

Pumpkin Spice Gouda Cheese!
Found at: Stop & Shop

The weirdest thing about pumpkin spice cheese is that it’s… pretty good? This was one of the few times I’ve dealt with a pumpkin spice food that wasn’t either “too strange” or “just cinnamon.”

The flavor didn’t seem much different from plain Gouda at first, but then came the subtle yet unmistakable pumpkin spice aftertaste. You kinda have to chew the cheese to get to it, which is only unreasonable if you’re the type who swallows cheese whole. Frrrreak.

It’s basically Gouda cheese with a hint of nutmeg, neither too spicy nor too sweet to disqualify it from everyday Gouda purposes. Whatever they may be.

GRADE: A. I just love the idea of an official autumn cheese. The flavor was a nice surprise, but the mere fact that I can celebrate Halloween by buying cheese was worth an “A” no matter what.

Brach’s Candy Corn Monster Teeth!
Found at: Michaels

I don’t have to like candy corn to appreciate the brilliance of these. New Vampire and Witches Teeth from Brach’s turn Halloween’s most divisive candy into something every single person in the entire world needs to buy.

I love how they hit upon the Halloween theme in such a classic way. The candies are spooky, sincere and unburdened by today’s trends. It’s like they teleported here from 1976, and writing that is how I lost ten minutes to a daydream about an alt universe Quantum Leap wherein Scott Bakula is replaced by bags of candy corn.

I’m not a candy corn fan at all, even when the candy corn doesn’t taste like candy corn. That said, those strawberry Vampire Teeth are pretty decent, and clearly the best of the two.

GRADE: A. It’d be a dick move to give edible vampire fangs a lower grade. The fact that they could just as easily work as monster fingers almost pulls ‘em up to an A+.

Thomas’ Pumpkin Spice English Muffins!
Found at: Stop & Shop

I get that using the term “pumpkin spice” is an easy way to make people post about your garbage on Instagram, but I still feel that Mr. Thomas did himself a disservice by using it here. It’s accurate as hell, but “pumpkin spice” typically denotes a certain level of goofy gimmickry.

There’s nothing “goofy” about these English Muffins. The flavor is so complex that I needed to eat two butter-drenched muffins to understand it, and yes I swear, that’s the reason I ate two.

Picture a gourmet pumpkin muffin. The ones that are the size of softballs and cost six bucks a pop. Take whatever you love about those and throw it into an English Muffin, all while losing nothing you already loved about English Muffins.

GRADE: B+. I usually don’t go for sweet-and-savory stuff, but here the combination is so well-worked. Also, I felt somehow book-smart after eating these.

Entenmann’s Apple Cider Donuts!
Found at: SuperFresh

You’d think that apple cider donuts would be a nice break from all of the pumpkin spice hubbub, but the irony is that Entenmann’s could’ve called these “pumpkin spice donuts” and I would not have quarreled much with the description.

The most pronounced flavor is cinnamon (a classic pumpkin spice ingredient), but there’s still enough of an apple tint to make good on the title’s promise. It’s hard to get a solid read on what you’re tasting, but whatever it is, it reeks of autumn.

They’re a little too dense for my taste, though that may be because I sat on them for a week before snapping these photos. I’d say I was busy, but this 3×5′ crayon drawing of mummies playing volleyball suggests otherwise.

GRADE: B. They go good with coffee, and the box is covered in dead leaves.

Snyder’s Pumpkin Spice Pretzel Pieces!
Found at: Stop & Shop

Hmm. I have to admire Snyder’s chutzpah. A bag of broken pretzels, all dusted with pumpkin spice? It’s too jarring not to be a little bit awing, too.

I’m the wrong guy to give these an objective review, since I dislike “sweet” pretzels of all sorts. I don’t necessarily think they’re disgusting, but I’d have to be completely out of other food options before I’d even consider eating them.

I guess it’s because I like plain pretzels so much? Total case of painting the peacock. And yes I stole that from Blanche.

These have a pumpkin spice kick, but they’re also just plain sugary. They aren’t bad, but I can’t imagine plowing through a bag while watching Boardwalk Empire reruns. And like, that’s why there ARE pretzels, y’know?

GRADE: B-. I may not love them, but I still love that they exist.

Thank you for reading about more spooky junk food. Even though most of it wasn’t spooky.