I know I’ve written about Gremlins Cereal several times before, but I swear, I have a really good reason to do it again.

See, that isn’t any ordinary Gremlins Cereal box. No, that one is STILL SEALED.

…or at least, it was until a few hours ago. As soon as I cracked that sucker open, the birds chirped louder and it completely stopped raining. If you’re in the New York metropolitan area: You’re fuckin’ welcome.

I know you’re dying to see what 33-year-old corn looks like, but first let me remind you what Gremlins Cereal was, and why it was so important to the kid version of me.

Released in 1984, Gremlins Cereal was one of the first cereals I absolutely had to have. I was barely old enough to string coherent sentences together, but I somehow still communicated my intense need for this cereal.

I didn’t see Gremlins until it hit videocassette, but I was still obsessed with that movie from Day One. I’d watch the TV spots and struggle to comprehend the blithe cruelty of a world that’d put something so adorable (Gizmo) in the same place as something so terrifying (Gremlins).

The point is, I was eating Gremlins Cereal months before I’d ever even seen the movie. Gizmo’s hold over me was just that strong. Excluding the model swimming pool from Christmas Vacation, I can’t think of another fictional movie “item” I’ve ever wanted more. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 07/07/17
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Get set for another edition of Five Retro TV Commercials, because I know you’re dying to see Charlie Brown sell life insurance. You’re so ironic.

Nickelodeon Sweepstakes Promo! (1986)

Here we had Nickelodeon bragging about its many on-air giveaways. If you shipped out 6000 skateboards or whatever, you’d brag too.

There are serious treasures hiding in here. Let’s start with the offbeat series of prizes Nick chose to feature, which included a goddamned Rock Lords figure. The fact that Nickelodeon’s in-house graphics team spent two weeks making a Rock Lords figure fly out of a cartoon cash register will forever be my happy thought.

Then there’s a message from a lucky girl who won one of Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Runs, where kids went to Toys “R” Us and took home as many free toys as they could demonstrably eat. Or something to that effect.

(That shot of her surrounded by ‘80s toys is glorious, even if I don’t understand why she wanted 10 identical Lights Alive picture makers.)

We were also reminded that some kids won an opportunity to run through the Double Dare obstacle course, a prize that by 1986 standards may have been even more falsetto-worthy than a toy store shopping spree. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 07/05/17
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In this edition of Five Retro TV Commercials, you’ll see everything from old pizza to old action figures to old cough drops. That’s my pitch.

Pizza Hut’s “Great White” Pizza! (1993)

I’m low-key obsessed with Pizza Hut’s discontinued specialty pies. By “low-key” I mean I’ve written songs about them.

There rarely seemed to be any strong impetus. Pizza Hut would just throw a bunch of shit at the dough and figure out a theme later. Good for them. I never pencil before I ink, either.

Everything about this particular pizza sounds amazing. Correlating it with Jaws might seem as if Pizza Hut was making mountains out of molehills, but I prefer to think of it as making Great Whites out of Gruyère.

FYI: The four-cheese Great White was sold at the same time as Pizza Hut’s more famous Bigfoot Pizza, which was like 42 feet long and I guess covered with fur. Just imagine calling a pizzeria to order a shark and a Sasquatch and ACTUALLY GETTING THEM. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 06/29/17
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