Welcome to a special edition of Five Retro TV Commercials. Special to me, at least.

A tape donated by my pal MZ was simply labeled “Turtles,” and I correctly guessed that it’d be stuffed with old TMNT episodes. What a freakin’ goldmine!

Everything on the videocassette was recorded in 1991, when the white hot Ninja Turtles had episodes running on weekdays and weekends. The light grew a little dimmer by ‘92, but this was still very much during the period when anything with any tie to any Ninja Turtle meant buckets of money and devotional vows.

Below are five commercials that YOU AND ME PERSONALLY WATCHED during Ninja Turtle cartoons back in ‘91. They’ve all aged gracefully.

Sunkist Fruit Rox! (1991)

Guys, this is it. The most impossibly ‘90s commercial of all ‘90s commercials. It’s hard to accept this as something that actually aired in 1991, and not in 2016 as a parody of ‘91.

The “rocks as fruit snacks” gimmick had been tried before, but never with this twist: This time, the rocks (“Rox”) were from outer space AND the future. Wow. Given that concept, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that the commercial is so nuts.

Two skateboarding kids teleport aboard an alien spaceship, because that’s evidently the only place to procure Sunkist Fruit Rox. As if that isn’t weird enough, the lead alien breaks the fourth wall to tell us about we can get a free “Fruit Rox Box” by collecting proofs-of-purchase from specially marked packages. This is literally just a plastic box meant to be worn as a necklace, as said alien demonstrates.

I’ve seen plenty of odd promotions, but “necklace that holds fruit snacks” may take the crazy cake. It’d be curious even if it wasn’t pitched by a space alien who looks like a cross between a Teletubby and a dead tree.

Still, the subtle permission to treat fruit snacks like junk from a museum gift shop was all I needed to temporarily name Fruit Rox both my favorite thing to eat and my favorite thing to play with. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 05/20/16
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A few hours ago, I heard a too-gentle knock on the front door. It was the FedEx guy, looking to make a delivery without any pesky conversation. That’s my kind of FedEx guy.

Yes. It has arrived. ECTO COOLER.

Last week, someone from Coca-Cola’s PR firm blessed me with the email to end all emails. I was on THE LIST. A number of Ecto Cooler press packages were being sent out, to encourage everyone from big celebrities (not me) to low-level bloggers (definitely me) to help spread the word.

So here I am, helping to spread the word:

ECTO. COOLER. IS. BACK.

Actually, as of this writing, it’s still on its way back. It’s supposed to hit stores on May 30th, but given the unlikelihood that every store will play by Coca-Cola’s rules, I wouldn’t be surprised if a couple of them have it out already. Either way, don’t worry: You won’t have to wait long.

This ghost trap-themed promo box — which even came with a barrel of slime — is all kinds of awesome. I’ve already called some contractors to get quotes on the airtight, temperature-controlled vault that is so clearly necessary to house a box of this magnitude. I wish I could tell you that the same box will be available in stores, but no, it was apparently made as an exclusive for people who wear Tuesday’s clothes on Thursday afternoon.

If it’s any consolation, you’ll be drinking motherfuckin’ ECTO COOLER in about a week. Get hype, stay hype, make ice. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 05/19/16
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We arrived at the Englishtown flea market late on Saturday afternoon, so there was no time to waste. Over half of the sellers had already packed up, and of those who remained, many were clearly ready to throw in the towel.

I found jussst enough to consider the trip a success, and got reacquainted with the one positive thing about being late to a flea market: Those sellers will do anything to make a last minute sale. “Did I say five dollars? I MEANT I’LL PAY YOU. Not really but TURN AROUND, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT, MY NAME’S HANK WHAT’S YOURS?”

This week’s scores:

Vintage Hot Wheels Cars! ($5)

I try to steer clear of loose Hot Wheels, because they’re often dud investments, and the sellers usually want waaaay more than is reasonable. Luckily, one seller kept his prices in check, and he had some of my most beloved Hot Wheels cars of all time.

As a kid, whenever a Hot Wheels car didn’t actually look like a car, I was interested. I preferred the ones that doubled as robots, monsters or menacing animals. This lot includes several of my favorites, from that Autobot-esque motherfucker to the gnarly white rat-car, which once served as my rolling pet back before Mom & Dad let me have hamsters. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 05/14/16
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