BFCDAW #8: Merry Montage!
Over on Dino Drac’s Facebook page, several readers obliged me with suggestions for a painted-at-work Christmas montage. Here’s what I had time for. (Actually, in no way, shape or form did I have time for this – but I did it anyway. You can’t fire a freelancer. You can only pretend he died.)
1. Estelle Getty, dressed as Dinosaur Dracula, dressed as Santa Claus. (Suggested by Jeff S.)
2. McDonald’s legendary Holiday Pie, with its wonderful circus sprinkles. I’d love to review this for real, but the all of the McD’s restaurants around here treat me like a crazy person when I ask about it. (Suggested by Louis Q.)
3. Crystal from Roseanne, sadly drinking a glass of Cranberry Sierra Mist. (Another suggestion from Jeff S.)
4. An argument with an older relative about politics or racism. (Suggested by Jessica D.)
5. Eggnog monster. (Suggested by Clay A.)
6. Jason Voorhees topping a Christmas tree with Sally’s head. (Suggested by Bill W.)
7. Michael S. suggested “the Christmas special version of a horror franchise.” I almost followed his directions, and came up with Bellraiser, the story of a Cenobite-turned-Salvation Army guy.
8. Five golden eggs. (Suggested by Jonny L.)
9. Fruitcake creatures. (Suggested by Amber I.)
Thanks, guys. Guess I should go earn a living for an hour.
Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/6/12.
Today’s gifts include a flashlight and a pair of walkie-talkies. Hoookay.
They’re junky presents, and Dino Drac isn’t shy about telling me so. “How am I supposed to make your stupid feature successful with this kind of stuff?”
Hell, I don’t have the answers. I don’t choose the gifts. I just know that there are real honest-to-God DINOSAURS hiding in some of those boxes, and, let’s face it, everything is filler until we start seeing them.
I tell Dino Drac to “wing it.” He flaps his arms like a bird. I don’t think he’s trying to be a dick, though. Dinosaurs have horrible vocabularies, and it’s unreasonable to expect mine to know the multiple meanings of “wing.”
Finally, he gets the message. He’ll try to entertain you as best he can. The words below come directly from Dino Drac, and it’s for this reason that I shall present them in a bold red font.
WHAT I NOTICE FIRST IS THAT THIS WALKIE-TALKIE AND FLASHLIGHT HAVE VERY COMPARABLE WEIGHTS. LIKE BROTHERS FROM DIFFERENT MOTHERS. WHAT I NOTICE SECOND IS THAT THE FLASHLIGHT COULD EASILY PASS AS A NOVELTY GOBLET FOR THE GOTHIC SET. I HAVE NOT NOTICED A THIRD THING YET.
It was a good effort, Dinosaur Dracula. You winged like a pro.
BFCDAW #7: How I feel today.
I could blame the four hours of sleep, but it’s more fun to blame you.
Tabasco Bloody Mary Gift Set!
Cheap perfumes, beef logs and s’mores kits. Every December, the cavalcade of crappy gift sets comes back out of hiding, charming the great many of us who refuse to put real work into locating decent Christmas presents.
They’re considered “bad” presents almost by default, no matter what’s in them, or to some degree, what they cost. I’m here to tell you that this is COMPLETELY UNFAIR. Even the worst of the prepackaged gift sets are never boring, and I’d rather get a wicker basket full of cheese or Old Spice than yet another book about something I’ve made a lifelong career of taking no interest in. Bring it on, baby.
In a department store that had a type of gift set for virtually every salable item you could think of, I found this. The official Tabasco Bloody Mary Gift Set, consisting of two tall glasses and a bottle of “mildly seasoned” Tabasco Bloody Mary mix. I draw a blank at explaining how a Tabasco-branded mix could ever be “mild,” but then, I can’t say that I’m really trying.
I loooove Bloody Marys, and if drinking them didn’t instantly turn me into a balloon, I’d down three of them every day. At $14, this was an easy sell. Read More…