Invasion of the Scarecrows!
Imagine my luck! On the exact weekend that I go to New Hampshire, New Hampshire gets invaded by hundreds of insane scarecrows. Read More…
Freddy Krueger Fireworks!
I spent the weekend in New Hampshire, where the air was crisp, the leaves were golden, and the drive to get there was six and a half fucking hours.
I’d never been to New Hampshire before this trip, but now I’m an expert. Did you know that there are a lot of antique stores in New Hampshire? Now you do. Do you know who Ron Paul is? I hope so, or the signs on everyone’s lawns are going to be very confusing.
I also learned that fireworks are legal in New Hampshire!
And, my God, look what I found! FREDDY KRUEGER FIREWORKS!
Actually, if you want to get technical, *I* didn’t find them. A few of my nephews were sent on an errand to buy lots and lots of fireworks, because when you live in a town that allows them, I guess most family parties are fireworks-based?
Anyway, it hit me that there might be some Halloween-themed varieties on sale at this time of year, so I put in the call.
Me: Hey, if they have any Halloween fireworks, can you get them for me?
Nephew: Could you be more specific?
Me: I drank every ounce of liquor in your house last night. I cannot be more specific.
But my nephews did well. They found goddamned Freddy Krueger fireworks. Holee Sheet. Read More…
Pumpkin Decorating Kits!
I normally don’t go for department store label stuff, but Target’s “Pumpkin Decorating Kits” called out to me. Were I to believe the photos, they were going to let me turn small pumpkins into full-bodied monsters.
Upon seeing their $5 price tags, I was disappointed. If my brain had a mouth, my fellow customers would’ve heard it complain about how nothing in Target costs less than five bucks. Of course, my brain would’ve been exaggerating, since there were gobs of stretchy rubber skeletons on sale for $1, three feet away. The point is, people would be freaking out. A talking brain.
Luckily, it turned out that the kits really were worth that much. Read More…
The real Dinosaur Dracula?
Okay, I guess I need to weigh in on this!
Dozens of times over the past several hours (okay, maybe one dozen times), I’ve been sent links to the big news: “Dinosaur Dracula” is no longer a figment of my imagination. It’s a real goddamned thing. A real life Dinosaur Dracula.
Here’s the scoop, which I got by reading three lines of one article:
The Pegomastax africanus (let’s shorten that to the cooler sounding “Pegomastax”) looked like the result of a ménage à trios starring a dinosaur, a vampire and a porcupine. It looks a bit like a not-fully-evolved version of those idiot kangaroos from Tank Girl.
The “Dracula” thing is due to the creature’s jaw. It had long canines and a jaw structure that really showed them off. There is some debate over what this dino ate, because even if it looks like a meat eater, those teeth could’ve just as easily been used to crack open prehistoric coconuts.
In cases like these, it’s important to trust your heart over science. You can’t call a dinosaur “Dracula” if it lived on stupid things like fruit. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax sustained itself on the blood of its dinosaur cousins. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax could morph into a prehistoric bat. And I bet it used a broken pterodactyl wing as a cape. Even if they were millions of years apart, I’m sure ol’ Pego found a way.
This dinosaur is not a new discovery. I think it’s only getting the press now because someone finally said, “dwahhhh, this thing kinda looks like Dracula.” It’s obvious that that person was one of my site’s fifteen readers, and I take complete credit for all of the hubbub.
I admit it. I’m concerned. If nothing else, my site had a unique name. Now people are gonna assume that I just read some USA Today article and thought, “SOUNDS LIKE A DOMAIN NAME IF I EVER HEARD ONE.” No, that’s NOT how it went down. In fact, longtime readers know that I’ve owned the Dinosaur Dracula site for years longer than “this” iteration came online. IT’S MINE. ALL MINE.
I’m going to be crushed if/when Google searches for “dinosaur dracula” bring up fifty online newspapers before my reviews of old hot dog commercials.
In closing, that’s Dinosaur Dracula. Him, up above. This other prehistoric beast making the Internet rounds is a total poser.
Please, let me have this.