The real Dinosaur Dracula?
Okay, I guess I need to weigh in on this!
Dozens of times over the past several hours (okay, maybe one dozen times), I’ve been sent links to the big news: “Dinosaur Dracula” is no longer a figment of my imagination. It’s a real goddamned thing. A real life Dinosaur Dracula.
Here’s the scoop, which I got by reading three lines of one article:
The Pegomastax africanus (let’s shorten that to the cooler sounding “Pegomastax”) looked like the result of a ménage à trios starring a dinosaur, a vampire and a porcupine. It looks a bit like a not-fully-evolved version of those idiot kangaroos from Tank Girl.
The “Dracula” thing is due to the creature’s jaw. It had long canines and a jaw structure that really showed them off. There is some debate over what this dino ate, because even if it looks like a meat eater, those teeth could’ve just as easily been used to crack open prehistoric coconuts.
In cases like these, it’s important to trust your heart over science. You can’t call a dinosaur “Dracula” if it lived on stupid things like fruit. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax sustained itself on the blood of its dinosaur cousins. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax could morph into a prehistoric bat. And I bet it used a broken pterodactyl wing as a cape. Even if they were millions of years apart, I’m sure ol’ Pego found a way.
This dinosaur is not a new discovery. I think it’s only getting the press now because someone finally said, “dwahhhh, this thing kinda looks like Dracula.” It’s obvious that that person was one of my site’s fifteen readers, and I take complete credit for all of the hubbub.
I admit it. I’m concerned. If nothing else, my site had a unique name. Now people are gonna assume that I just read some USA Today article and thought, “SOUNDS LIKE A DOMAIN NAME IF I EVER HEARD ONE.” No, that’s NOT how it went down. In fact, longtime readers know that I’ve owned the Dinosaur Dracula site for years longer than “this” iteration came online. IT’S MINE. ALL MINE.
I’m going to be crushed if/when Google searches for “dinosaur dracula” bring up fifty online newspapers before my reviews of old hot dog commercials.
In closing, that’s Dinosaur Dracula. Him, up above. This other prehistoric beast making the Internet rounds is a total poser.
Please, let me have this.
Vlog: The CVS Animated Zombie!
FYI: The Creepy Commercials Countdown has been updated for 10/2. Go read about Michael Myers!
As for this guy, he’s a 28” inch animated zombie. I found him at CVS for 20 bucks. We have a lot of CVS pharmacies around here, and I’ve seen legions of these in every last one. Finally, I could no longer resist.
Watch the vid for the full scoop. For once, it took me less than five minutes to deliver it:
I mostly go for the more “whimsical” Halloween decorations, so it’s a nice change of pace when something truly monstrous joins the fray. With moving parts, sound effects and light-up eyes, this zombie will soon stare out my window, waiting for young passersby to scare the shit out of.
Halloween Soda Cans!
Just launched a special feature: The Creepy Commercials Countdown!
A nice guy named Larry donated a slew of ancient Halloween-themed TV commercials, and in the spirit of making mountains out of molehills, I’m turning them into a month-long event. Every day during October, a new (old) creepy commercial will be posted. Up first something about fruit snacks and skeletons, from 1989. Go, read!
Part of me felt like I should’ve just made those entries a part of the blog, but, eh, blog entries have a tendency to get buried. I’d like to be able to point to this later and say, “See, I did this in 2012. I chose the obnoxious peach background all by myself.”
Besides, I have other things to fill the blog with. Like pictures of my cat.
That’s Kitten. Technically “Saturn,” but we never call her that. She’s “Kitten.” Ten-year-old “Kitten.”
Kitten is an unpredictable cat, capable of loving and annihilating with equal passion. She’s the one we have to warn people about.
“Don’t pet Kitten. Do not make eye contact with Kitten.”
Kitten will bite and scratch over the smallest infraction. Don’t even think about touching her back legs, because her reaction should be studied by army generals. Handling Kitten is a bit like handling an alligator. You have to cradle her with one arm, and clamp her trap shut with your free hand. This isn’t an ideal situation for anyone involved, so when it comes to cat/human interaction, we generally let Kitten make the first move.
Anyway, that’s her. She’s trying to chew the yoke off a six-pack.
…which brings me to my point: Halloween soda!
Well, actually, the sodas are in their normal flavors. It’s the cans that got the upgrades. Four big name brands, redressed for the Halloween season with terrifying designs.
The really cute thing is how tiny they are. There are eight ounces in each can, and though that’s only a 33.3333333% drop from the norm, they seem more like half the normal size. They’re perfect for parties, and I imagine that that’s their purpose. Tiny cans of Halloween soda, for tiny people’s elementary school costume parties. Read More…
The 2012 Halloween Mood Table!
Happy October!
The Halloween season is officially here. There’s exactly one month to soak up everything it has to offer. Strange candy, hayrides, and masks that smell like toxic chemicals. Even the gloomiest mofos would have to admit that October is one of the most bearable months of the year.
Since it’s October 1st, it’s of course time for THE HALLOWEEN MOOD TABLE.
If you’re a new reader: This tradition began on X-Entertainment, back in 2007. That was not a terrific year for me, and in fact, it was the only year I ever outright canceled the Halloween Countdown. Among other issues, my usual spirit just wasn’t there.
In a desperate attempt to remember why I loved Halloween so much, I started decorating a small table. I covered this table with happy, haunted things. When it was finished, I saw a miracle. In at least one corner of one room, everything was right with the world.
Every year since, I’ve made – and written about – a Halloween Mood Table. No two have looked remotely alike, but they all served the same grand purpose. It’s such an easy thing to do, and it goes so far in making your October feel like October.
I encourage you all to make one, and if you’re having trouble figuring out what this entails, here’s what I came up with for 2012:
Bam. A table covered with Halloween wonders, absolutely guaranteed to make every day better. Until November, at least.
There’s no way to make a bad Halloween Mood Table. You’re only doing it wrong if you’re not making it for yourself. Hell, you don’t even have to use a real table. Make a Halloween Mood Chair, I don’t care.
The idea is to give your home at least one small area where Halloween reigns supreme. On those dark days when October feels no better than any other month, your Mood Table will remind you that it is. The best thing about Halloween is its ability to transform even the most mundane activity into bloodcurdling joy, and your Mood Table will constantly encourage you to make the best haunted lemonade you can. Read More…