Dinosaur Dracula!

Opening a can of TMNT Pasta from 1991.

I don’t know why I’m even bothering with an intro. You’re just gonna skip ahead to the rotten pasta. Hey, I don’t blame you. I’d do the same.

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Behold, a sealed can of Chef Boyardee’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pasta, from 1991. Well, a formerly sealed can… DUH NUH NUH NUH NUHHHHH.

I have big collection of still-sealed Chef Boyardee cans, and I’m normally happy to leave them that way. But this one… this one was different. The gloppy pasta had clearly mutated, perhaps as a clever nod to the lean green fighting machines.

When I shook the can, I heard what sounded like a golf ball. Know that scene in A Charlie Brown Christmas, where Lucy keeps jingling her bootleg tip jar? This was the Frankenstein version of it.

The clinks and clanks pleaded for further inspection. I’ll never hear the song of the Sirens, yet I feel I already have. Read More…

Purple Stuff: All About 1988!

There was a whole lot to love about 1988! Even more than just Oatmeal Swirlers.

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From Nintendo Cereal to Child’s Play, me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit are covering 1988’s greatest hits in the latest Purple Stuff Podcast. We dug pretty deep on this one, as evidenced by the whole section about some random applesauce commercial.

I feel extremely lucky that I got to be a kid in 1988. So much great stuff! See if you remember any of this nonsense by clicking the giant, ugly play button down below.

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You can also download this week’s episode by right-clicking here.

Thanks as always for checking out the show! We’re getting pretty close to the Purple Stuff’s one year anniversary, and you know what that means. HALLOWEEN, my brothers. Read More…

Videos of my Bedroom, from 1992.

When I think about my place in the world during the early ‘90s — let’s say from the 5th through the 9th grade — I’m revolted but appreciative.

Revolted, because those were tough, lonely years, when I was as goofy and awkward as I’ll hopefully ever be. Too alien to mesh with the world, but too dumb to make poetry out of that predicament.

Appreciative, because only when we’re absent certain societal constructs can we figure out what we really are. (If you say you don’t spend one moment mixing the real you with some partially fabricated uber version better suited to collect benefits, kudos, but you’re probably lying. I’m only all me when I’m asleep.)

These years were terrible on the surface, but strangely beautiful underneath it. I was 5000 mental miles from where I wanted and needed to be, but I was home.

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…and the proof is right there, on that tape. Titled MY OLD ROOM, it’s literally that — my bedroom — from August of 1992. This would’ve been during my summer vacation between the 7th and 8th grades.

I was 13 going on 5.

I recorded these movies using my parents’ big old Panasonic video camera, which even by the early ‘90s was all but forgotten by them. For all intents, that was my camera.

There are two movies on the tape. The second is a comprehensive tour of my bedroom, while the first is a more sincere attempt at, erm, creative filmmaking.

Oh boy… Read More…

Dino Drac’s July 2016 Funpack!

It’s hard to believe, but with the arrival of Dino Drac’s July Funpack, I’ve now been doing these for a full two years. WOW. I never expected that this would go on for so long, and I can’t thank all of my subscribers enough. You’ve kept Dino Drac afloat for far longer than its presumed expiration date. Thank you x1000!

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(AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES ONLY)

For those who don’t know, I sell monthly Funpacks — aka a monthly subscription box, stuffed with all sorts of retro nonsense, novelties, snacks and stories. Dino Drac is not backed by any financiers, obviously, nor is it even constructed to make the most of its modest ad revenue potential. Without readers like you subscribing to the Funpacks, there’d be no Dino Drac!

The cost is $25 per month, and that includes shipping. You can cancel at any time without penalty. (Even immediately after signing up, if you’re only interested in this month’s box.) For as long as you stay subscribed, you’ll keep getting Funpacks! (And I keep excellent records, so don’t worry — you’ll always get the exact amount of Funpacks that you’ve paid for!)

Scroll to the bottom of this post for more information or to get your subscription started, or keep reading to see what’s in store for the July 2016 Funpack!

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This month’s anniversary Funpack is an eclectic mix of old and new bric-a-brac, featuring werewolves, Zelda, dinosaurs and more. There are over ten items in every box, including… Read More…

Five Retro TV Commercials, Part 11!

Welcome to the latest edition of Five Retro TV Commercials, starring me, my cat and a broken Mer-Man character bust. Us three.

Sunkist Fun Fruits! (1980s)

I was partial to Fruit Wrinkles, but there’s no denying that Sunkist’s Fun Fruits were THE fruit snacks of the ‘80s. Originally shaped like bloated pill bugs, this commercial marked Fun Fruits’ graduation to other, louder shapes.

The “Letters” and “Numbers” varieties were intended to placate strict parents, because if you’re not gonna be healthy, at least be educational. The “Animals” version was the clear chaser, unless you’re really gonna claim that you’d prefer a gumdrop shaped like the number 9 to one that resembled a tiger.

Animated like one of those old school storybook videos, this particular commercial wasn’t nearly as cool as other Fun Fruits ads, which were usually done with live actors.

I mean, I don’t care if Generic Boy is a cartoon or a real person, but there’s a big difference between an animated tree and a ten foot Evil Dead prop with plate-sized googly eyes. (And if you prefer the former, you’re definitely the same asshole who picked “9” over the tiger.) Read More…