Now more than ever, junk food is the lifeblood of the Halloween season. It’s how people like me stay motivated for two months straight.
I don’t mean the act of eating junk food, mind you. That’s cool and all, but I’m talking about hunting it. Every year brings a new batch of Halloween foods, and every year, people like me make tracking ’em down the official “game” of the season. Basically, it’s Halloween GO.
The boo-tiful byproducts are the many associated adventures. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve driven to towns or cities I’d never visited prior, all because someone on social media told me about something dyed orange or shaped like a bat. The food gives me focus, but what I really love is the excuse to turn each day into a scavenger hunt. It’s the journey, baby.
…so when I show you these Halloween Frosted Flakes, I get that you might be thinking, “no big deal.” Maybe it’s not so big to you, but after driving to six department stores and finally finding one single box at what could only be termed The Most Last Resorty of Last Resort Walmarts, this was huge for me.
I mean, I didn’t start singing Mad About You to Tony the Tiger right there in stupid Walmart for non sequitur purposes.
This is one of three similarly-styled kiddie cereals out from Kellogg’s this year, but since the Apple Jacks and Froot Loops are merely returning players, I’m gonna focus on the Frosted Flakes. The hot new Halloween Frosted Flakes.
It’s a decisive win from the start. Notice how Tony is oblivious to the fact that he’s trapped in a parallel dimension, one where night is forever and all of the street signs just say things about marshmallows. Rolling with the punches is grrrreat. Read More…
What the hell happened to vending machine slime, anyway?
Once the most ubiquitous vending machine prize outside of gumballs, it’s now been more than ten years since I last saw those gorgeous capsules of neon snot. And it’s not like I haven’t been looking.
It’s hard to imagine that they’re not being sold somewhere. If you’re lucky enough to still have access to these amorphous blobs of awesomeness, don’t take them for granted. I wish I was you. Read More…
I’ve been waiting to write about these STUPID AWESOME POPSICLES for more than a decade. Sounds nuts, but LOOK AT THEM:
I first heard of Good Humor’s Vampire’s Secret ice pops back in the early days of X-E, from readers who kinda sorta remembered them, but only with sketchy, impressionistic details.
The photo above, which belongs to Planet-Q on Flickr, was perhaps the internet’s first slice of legitimate Vampire’s Secret evidence. Posted in the early 2000s, it’s still the best proof online.
I didn’t grow up eating these, and originally believed that I was just born too late to have done so. After all, from concept to design, Vampire’s Secret looks like something from the very early ‘80s at latest, but more likely from the 1970s. In truth, these babies were born in 1992. How in God’s name did I miss them?!
Each black cherry ice pop hid a “cherry sauce” center, obviously meant to resemble blood. Vampire’s Secret pops were on the nose to an almost farcical degree, and that’s exactly what’s so great about them. They probably weren’t made with Halloween in mind, yet they’re the most sincere Halloween treats I’ve ever seen. Linus would eat the shit out of these. Read More…
Welcome, foolish mortals.
Dinosaur Dracula’s 2016 Halloween Countdown…
Thank you for that, Larry and Leviathan. Whatever that was.
This is my favorite time of year. People who aren’t Halloween addicts may look at us like we’re peculiarly focused on one single day, but really, October 31st is just the cherry on top.
This isn’t about Halloween proper, because let’s face it, Halloween proper marks the end of the season. It’s kind of sad, in its way. That’s why we spend it drinking heavily while dressed like goblins. Extreme measures to dull the pain.
Whenever someone blasts me for starting too early, I just think… why wouldn’t I? The Halloween season is the only time of year when I feel pretty close to 100% alive. Why would I want to limit that to just one month? You should be asking me why I don’t start in June.
“You’ll get bored with Halloween before it even gets here,” others might say. Trust me, I won’t. I don’t see how anyone could. I mean, maybe I’ll get sick of writing about it, but I doubt that I’ll ever piss on the excuse to draw bat/reaper hybrids while watching Unsolved Mysteries, with my free hand dipping into a bucket of fun-sized Snickers. You tell me that that’s a thing, and I’m gonna book the cabin for an extra month.
You wouldn’t be here if you disagreed.
So let’s party.
The Halloween Countdown began in 2003, when I was still running X-E. Counting those and the Dino Drac years, this is my fourteenth Countdown. This is my baby, and it’s probably older than yours.
A fair portion of you have been with me since the beginning. Together we’ve discovered that if you treat the Halloween season with the right sort of reverence, you’ll get to spend two months each year feeling half your age. Let’s listen to Filter and break Snapple bottles. While dressed like werewolves. Give me a rubber bat, and I’ll give you a better Matt. Read More…