Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/19 – 12/20/12.

Today’s gift is a lunchbox filled with torture devices.

Dino Drac acts like he hates it, but I see through him. Hey, we were all kids once. I’ve pretended to hate great gifts plenty of times, for reasons many and varied. I’m not buying this facade. There is no way a vampire dinosaur wouldn’t want torture devices.

“I’ll level with you. The gifts are fine. I just want to open tomorrow’s, too.”

I knew it was a mistake to start with that. Now he thinks it’s an everyday thing. On the other hand, I’m getting pretty sick of burying the site’s good content with giant Advent Calendar photos, so I tell him to have at it.

It’s a tortoise!

A handsome one, too. Gray skin, blonde shell. In turtle society, that’s the very definition of “hot.”

The tortoise looks agitated. It’s probably because he’s gone nearly three weeks without food or water, only to look up at a wacky owner who clearly won’t be quick about providing either.

Trying to nip that problem in the bud, I urge Dino Drac to take good care of his new friend.

“But what do tortoises eat?”

It’s a million dollar question with a ten dollar answer. Endive, strawberries, zucchini. Tortoises eat like healthy people, basically.

For the next ten minutes, we argue about what to name him. For me, it’s not about the principle. I understand that this is Dino Drac’s tortoise, and that he should get to name it. But I just can’t let the little guy go through life with a name like “Fucky Toots.” I don’t know how Dino Drac came up with it, but I never want to hear “Fucky Toots” again, whether it’s in relation to this tortoise or not.

We settle on “Bleachy.”

He looks like a Bleachy.

18 Responses to Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/19 – 12/20/12.

  1. phew….that would have been embarrassing.

  2. I think Bleachy is a cute tortoise.

  3. Fucky Toots sounds like German fetish porn. Good change!

  4. Um, yeah. Bleachy will work. That tortoise is too cute for a name like “Fucky Toots.” Sorry, Dino Drac. ;)

  5. I thought you’d appreciate knowing that the advertisement on the sidebar is to buy live tortoises online from a place called Turtle Shack, which is the only place from which I would want to buy live tortoises online.

  6. I have never wanted to own a new pet just to name it so badly in my life.

  7. Fucky Toots! I love it. It’d be better if it was Blondie Fuck Toots. You crack me up Dino-Drac! :)

  8. Now I want a pet turtle too!

  9. As we are working through our calendar starting from a few days early (last one tomorrow because dates are arbitrary)…Dino Drac is going to be PISSED tomorrow. At least he should be. Even 9-year-old was displeased.

  10. I’ve read nearly every post on this site (although not all the comments) – so forgive me if this has already been addressed:

    Where did you get the Dino Drac figure? Did you cobble it together from two different figures? Have it custom made?

  11. Fucky Toots!

  12. Fucky Toots sounds like Kim Fields became a hooker post “Living Single”

    Bleachy does look hungry. Just look at the way he’s staring at DD’s toes.

  13. “Fucky Toots” made me giggle like a twelve year old…then King JLA‘s comment made me wish Kim Fields HAD become a hooker post-”Living Single.” To quote Sir Mix-a-Lot from an old magazine article that I remember for some reason, “Tootie got booty!”

  14. Rob He wrote an article a few months ago called, “Matchbox Con-Nec-Tors from 1990!” which was about a line of figures that you could take off their arms and legs and mix and match them. Part of that article he realized he had a Dracula figure and a Dinosaur figure and put them together.

  15. I got a rock in my 1991 Christmas Crunch mystery box. Merry Gum Balls indeed…

  16. I will never see him as Bleachy. You had me at Fucky Toots.

  17. Dino Drac’s gonna make that turtle talk.

  18. if nothing else drac has now found a new use for that lame container he got with the little lizzards he can use it as bleachy new home. and have to admit the moment i read funky toots i thought now we know what kim fields is up now

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