Caramel Apple Toaster Strudel!

I’ve been scouting Toaster Strudel for years now, waiting for Pillsbury to come out with the inevitable  “Halloween edition.”  Well, they finally did it!

Course, it’s not as much a Halloween edition as an autumn edition, and even then, it’s not very explicit. Whatever. I don’t think it’s a stretch to call CARAMEL APPLE Toaster Strudel a “Halloween thing.” So what if they weren’t blunt about it? There’s a freakin’ dead leaf drawn in icing over the featured pastry. THIS IS LEGIT!

I only pay attention to Toaster Strudel when it gives me the excuse to write things, but it’s still pretty amazing stuff. You toss a flaky pastry into the toaster, and in addition to giving its shell a warm, golden coat, it also turns the inner frozen muck into steaming, delicious slime. Doesn’t that sound appetizing? I should write their ad jingles. It’d sure pay better than the thousand words I’m about to spend on this.

Now, Toaster Strudel would be nothing without its magnificent gimmick. Along with the pastries, you get a strip of perforated icing packets, which let you doodle edible things all over your scalding hot snacks. It never works as well as Pillsbury suggests, but it’s still so much fun to DRAW THINGS on food.

My Toaster Strudel art did not go as planned. I don’t know what’s up with this caramel apple icing, but it’s IMPOSSIBLE to work with. I’ve had enough past successes with Toaster Strudel to know that the icing usually works okay enough. It won’t let you recreate Saturn Devouring His Son, but you can at least knock out a football or a decent happy face.

This? No way. Believe me, I tried everything. All different temperatures. I tried a hot/hot combo, a hot/cold combo, a cold/cold combo… everything. Nothing worked. Whatever I drew quickly turned into an abstract puddle of caramel. Ever see a grown man lose his shit over misfired Toaster Strudel art? It’s ugly.

Oh well. What’s done is done. Here’s what I came up with:

This was intended to be Dinosaur Dracula. His breasts were supposed to be two D’s. In a sense, I guess they still are.

Here’s a ghost. The spirit of a stunted penis.

This is a jack-o’-lantern. The lines of icing near the top corners were meant to represent his exacerbation. Matching those with the pumpkin, the whole thing looks like the square head of a sad, mouthless clown.

And I don’t know what the fuck this is.

Making bad Toaster Strudel art is only a problem if you’re planning to show it off. For most of you, that won’t be an issue, and there really is a great therapeutic quality to the process. I’m one of those guys who can’t escape his demons without watching TV, reading a book, eating dinner and playing with my phone all at the same time. It takes that much. But, I gotta tell ya — for the fifteen minutes I spent messing with Toaster Strudel, all of my troubles were eased, and every light shined brighter.

And the flavor? SERIOUSLY GOOD. It tastes like something that might be served at a fancy wedding, which is a pretty major compliment for a three dollar mass-produced breakfast pastry. The apple adds a certain tartness, while the caramel… does whatever caramel is supposed to do. I don’t know. I bet these would be good with vanilla ice cream.

Most of us are old, withered and without just cause to include Pillsbury’s Toaster Strudel in our lives. These holiday editions give people of all ages a pass, so don’t miss your chance. You’ll love drawing brown splatters all over ‘em.

Just don’t call yourself the “Picasso of Pastries.” I claimed that shit four hours ago.