Count Chocula Treats!

Hey, have you been keeping up with the Creepy Commercials Countdown? You probably should. Clarence Clemons is there. Now here’s Count Chocula:

I saw them in Target, and I flipped. They were on a rack right by the registers, but one of the store employees, who I guess had assumed the role of  “greeter,” stood right in front of them. I really didn’t want to be the weirdo who asks people to move so he can get at chocolate bars, so I scoped out Target’s entire Halloween section and every food aisle, hoping to find more.

No luck.

Back I went, to the front of the store. The greeter girl was still there. Damn.

With a gulp, I approached. My mind flooded with silent prayer. “Please don’t think I’m coming to ask you a question, please don’t think I’m coming to ask you a question.”

But of course she did. “Welcome to Target! What I can help you with?”

There was no way out. My impulse was to just make something up. Maybe I’d ask her where the paper towels were. It sounded like a reasonable question. Anything to get out of saying what needed to be said.

For once, I manned up. Had to. Target was about to close, and I didn’t make that five minute drive to go home a failure.

“Actually, I just need to…”

That’s all I got out. Then I started twirling around her, using my big ape arm to swipe Count Chocula Treats from the display she so accidentally protected.

“Oh, I’m sorry – I’m in your way!”

With the grade school snacks now safely in hand, I calmly addressed my jubilant, red-shirted obstacle.

“No no no, I’m not, I was just.”

It was already an awkward moment, but “no no no, I’m not, I was just” put it over the edge. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, there. It just came out. I’d become the low-rent version of Serene Branson.

I scurried away, presumably to the pitying glances of everyone in the store. But at least I had Count Chocula Treats.

The box boasted of “spooky-fun marshmallows,” but they didn’t look too spooky to me. I’m willing to forgive this, since they’re still the most decadent logs I’ve ever seen.

It’s as if they gathered fourteen really good types of chocolate, and convinced them that they’d be unstoppable as a unit. There are drips, there are drizzles, there are hard chunks, there are soft chunks. Then, the marshmallows. They aren’t shaped like ghosts, but they’re still marshmallows. These bars are pure, concentrated dessert. At each treat’s core is a mutant black hole, capable only of sucking really delicious things inward.

If not for the wrappers, you’d never guess that they were Count Chocula’s. They’re more like inverted s’mores bars. Not sure what that means, but it sounds okay.

My only complaint is that the package lifts the same general design from the current crop of Count Chocula cereal boxes. This year, we did not get a great version of the Count. He looks too old, too female, and too much like a chipmunk/eagle hybrid. That would usually be okay, but this is Count Chocula.

Still, they’re delicious, and they’re covered in lots of lots of chips. Considering how Franken and Boo Berry already got their extra oomph from Fruit Roll-Ups and such, it’s only fair that Count Chocula get his own side attraction, too. So, this is it. Chocolate cereal chocolate bars, covered in chocolate. Alleluia.

38 Responses to Count Chocula Treats!

  1. Mother of god..

    I feel sorry for any innocent workers that may get in my way.

    They’re gonna get body-checked.

  2. I really want one of those, they look like a great chocolaty snack.

  3. Those look good!

  4. This isn’t just a Dinosaurdracula entry. It’s a public service announcement for anyone with a soul.

  5. At least the Count isn’t limiting his good looks to just cereal boxes.

  6. Damn those look good. It’s a shame none of the grocery stores around here carry any of the Count Chocula food products. In fact, I have yet to find a snack box with some fun Halloween recipes anywhere in the stores here. I’m beginning to think I live in a town that hates Halloween.

  7. I think I would really like these. Dammit another reason I have go to Target. You guys don’t understand. It’s a 30 minute drive from here. I would have to make a special trip there. Every year this happens, Halloween and Christmas. You give me reasons to go and so I have to plan a special road trip. I love the golden graham bars. Those are delicious.

  8. Goob,

    It’s over an hour drive to my nearest Target. I win. Or lose, actually. I’m not even sure anymore

  9. My nearest Target is about 45 miles away, so basically an hour trip for me as well. I feel your pain.

  10. My god. I wonder if my dad and and his girlfriend would look at me really weird if I asked them nicely to bag me a few boxes of those the next time they’re at Target? I don’t even eat Count Chocula Cereal, and they still look like heaven.

  11. Wow you could cut the awkwardness with a knife in this article. Should have just pulled the fire alarm, grabbed the treats and ran. ;) I know I don’t need these but damn they look so good.

  12. How the hell are those things 100 calories when a single Pop Tart is 200? Chocolate on chocolate plus marshmallows beats jam and asbestos any day of the week; so, I’m inclined to not give a damn.

  13. Speaking as someone with retail experience, most workers are more than happy to get out of your way and/or answer questions. Doing something rather than standing around, even if that something only takes a couple seconds, makes a shift go by just a little bit faster. Clerks are also like spiders – they seem intimidating, but they’re more afraid of you than you are of them, because their paycheck is potentially at stake. There are exceptions, of course.

  14. i NEED these!!

  15. Whenever I’m buying something totally age-inappropriate (which is far more often than I’d like to admit), I totally just act like it’s for my non-existent kid(s) waiting at home. No one ever asks, but if I get a sideways glance, I know in my head that those toys and/or childish food products are totally for my child(ren) and/or their non-existent friend’s birthday party gifts or something like that, and I can shoot back a totally confident look which says something along the lines of “Kids and their kid-based products these days, huh?”

    Works like a charm (at least in my imagination). It’s all in the attitude.

  16. Unwilling to let my last comment go into the dead zone, I post it again.

    As an aside, I was just wondering – when did the ubiquitous Ben Cooper costumes disappear from store shelves? I remember the old dime stores had them every Halloween in two varieties: boxed or hung. The boxed ones had the mask on the top in the window, and the hung ones had a cardboard piece that filled out the costume. First I saw/wanted was a 1982 G.I. joe costume of Grunt, and on eBay recently I saw a 1987 costume of Bionic One from Bionic Six, so they were still in stores then. Any idea when these finally vanished from Halloween as we know it?

  17. They look so good, I licked my computer’s screen. Good thing I live alone, but I’m still going to slink over to that one website that has episodes of One Step Beyond.

  18. These things look really good. Too good. I’m trying to cut back on these sorts of sweets, and this thing looks like it would kill me. My only complaint is the design of the Count these days. At one point did he start to look like a snaggle toothed kid with Downs Syndrome?

  19. Herpes Trismegistus: I have not laughed at an X-E/DD screen name that hard in pretty much forever.

  20. These treats are pretty tasty, but sorta on the small side. Which thusly caused me to accidently devour the entire box in about an hour. And yeah, I always take my 2-year old with me shopping, so everyone assumes all my purchases are for him. “Clearance rack Remote-Control Bigfoot?! Of course, that’s for Junior!”

  21. What the hell did tney do to the Count’s face for that packaging? He looks ridiculous. :( The treats look superb. I’m a big chocolate fan. =D

  22. Every time I buy age-inappropriate items, I think of Kevin McAllister when he bought those army men and told the cashier that they were “for the kids”.

    Also Matt, you sound a lot like me. If someone’s in my way I will not ask them to move unless I absolutely have to. I usually stand by awkwardly waiting for them to notice and go “oh I’m sorry” and then move. And if they don’t notice, I leave.

    It’s kinda sad, really. I know that people don’t think anything of it when you ask them to move or whatever, but I just cannot do it. I’ll just as soon leave the store without what I came for.

  23. Why does the Count have bunny teeth?

  24. Carpeteria: I do the same thing when shopping alone buying kids stuff even though I have kids. :) If I think someone is giving me the “look” when buying toys and/or kiddie food stuff I quietly out loud say “They’ll love these/this.” and people will assume it is for your kids.

  25. It’s the only civilized thing to do, I say.

  26. Don’t feel ashamed Matt. The people at my local Target make no issue of charging the latest monument of Chocula. They do it every year; often with their poor children sitting in the cart, well-behaved, while the parents run amok.

  27. Jugendsehnsucht: Thanks!… and gesundheit. I usually try to get away with Ebenezer Splooge, but my daughter reads this site so I had to class it up.

  28. Count Chocula did look super-weird this year. But he’s playing it off like he totally doesn’t look like one of those creepy puppets from that Genesis video.

  29. I am the same akward way @ stores and hate interacting with staff. Further, that same Count Chocula design is in it’s third year and at first it looked cute but now that people point it out, it does indeed remind me of a bunny/eagle hybrid. The big three have had the same box design (front and back) for the last two or three years which really bummed me out.

  30. Yeah, they’ve had that same goofy comic on the back. I remember one recent year there was a cut-out sign of “Stay Outta My Room!” or something like that on the Count Chocula box. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they actually came with prizes, like most cereals used to? I think that’s a fantasy that will never happen. XD

  31. Yeah that would be awesome. At least it’s not the dumb thing where both sides of thew box are the same thing.

  32. The future encyclopedia will have a photograph of that bar next to “America’s final descent into debauchery and decadence.”
    Also can I have one please

  33. You make yourself sound so creepy and eerie when you had to get past the employee to get these! I know, I know, sometimes I get embarrassed looking at the toys! But that’s where I perfected the line “it’s for my nephew”.

    No one knows any different, and they think you are such a nice person for getting something for him!

  34. Awesome! Another thing to add to the grocery list. Does anyone know if they made the other cereals into “treats”?

  35. How about homemade Count Chocula bars? Do you think that’d be worth the work involved, or is the pre-packaged stuff better than just rolling up the cereal with chocolate chips and more marshmallows? I bought the cereal, butter & marshmallows already…and then I read this review.That decadence is pretty tempting…though it does come with a Count who got one lifestyle lift too many.

  36. Homemade ones would be WAY better.

  37. Ugh, I had a similar experience on Friday, although it wasn’t Halloweeny. I walked by an empty checkout line and saw those Girl Scout cookie candy bars on sale. I came back later to pick them up, and this cashier was standing right in front of them. I piddled around for about ten minutes and she finally moved so I could get them. I wasn’t about to ask her to move out of the way for me.

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