Ash vs. Skeletor: The Battle for Pepsi Blue!
Originally published on August 23rd, 2002!
I wrote this for X-Entertainment OVER TEN YEARS AGO, so please, no judgments. Half of you were ten-years-old.
Skeletor: At last, I can unearth the secrets of the elusive Pepsi Blue!
Ash: What?! We were here first, Skeletor! That soda is ours!
Skeletor: Kid, you’re missing the point. They make blue Pepsi for blue people. You’re not supposed to drink it. Only Skeletor. ONLY SKELETOR!
Ash: I’m not falling for this, you big mean jerk! I am Ash Ketchum, from the town of Pallet! It’s a small town…but we’ve got a bar & billiards lounge and three movie theaters. You’ve messed with us for the last time – I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!
Skeletor: A Pokemon battle? What are we gonna do, flip cards to the floor and make eight-sided dice out of wood? I have no patience for your pedestrian ways of settling a dispute. I say we just punch each other and throw bolts of lightning till somebody runs away.
Ash: No! A true Pokemon master only puts his Pokemon at risk. If you don’t agree to my terms, I’ll super-glue my face to the Pepsi bottle and you’ll have to drink me too. And believe me, I taste like shit. Do we have a deal?
Skeletor: What do you think, do I have a shot here?
Bib Fortuna: Skel, we’re like triple their size. Why can’t we just gut their innards and go home?
Skeletor: I’m from Louisiana. It just wouldn’t be very southern of me.
Bib Fortuna: Ah, well, just go for it. We’ll figure out a way to win. And if we don’t, then we’ll gut their innards.
Hot Rod: Good luck with your Pokemon match, Ash.
Ash: You’re leaving? What kind of bullshit is that?!
Hot Rod: Don’t worry, I’ll be back. There’s something I wanna check out.
Ash: But if you leave now, they’ll outnumber us! There’s no telling what they might do!
Hot Rod: Dude, I really doubt Bib Fortuna’s gonna bust out with the karate shit. Calm down, I won’t be long.
Emperor’s Royal Referee: This Pokemon battle is scheduled to determine the rightful owner of Pepsi’s new and shocking soda drink, which has been colored bright blue by purely natural means, and just tastes great. This is a four round match – each participant may only use one Pokemon at a time. If I catch you using more than one at a time, I’m allowed to tickle you. I swear this is in the rule book. Tickle tickle tickle! Good luck, gentlemen. Sting like butter and flies with bees. Now – choose your Pokemon!
Ash: IVYSAUR….I choose you!
Skeletor: And I choose…what is that, Bib? A fish? A stupid, insolent fish? How in the Hell am I supposed to win this crap with a fish!
Ash: It’s called Magikarp, you lame brain.
Skeletor: LAME BRAIN?! Why you little cretin! I’ll show you who’s a lame brain! Magikarp…tear it apart!
Emperor’s Royal Referee: The decisive winner of Round One…Ivysaur!
Ash: Good work!
Skeletor: I can’t believe I lost to a frog with flowers taped to it’s back. Pokemon battles are stupid stupid STUPID!
Ash: Rubber glue, back to you.
Skeletor: Oh that’s real clever, Ash. Real clever indeed. Just wait until you see my next Pokemon…
Skeletor: Bib…what is my next Pokemon, anyway?
Bib Fortuna: Well, I wanted to talk to you about that. I have a new strategy that I think would benefit us greatly.
Skeletor: Listen, you’re two fifty-cent words away from annoying fancy talk. PLAIN ENGLISH, Bib, plain English.
Bib Fortuna: Okay, just take this Pokeball and go back into the arena.
Ash: I choose you…KINGLER!
Skeletor: And I choose this one!
Ash: YOU CAN’T USE THE KOOL-AID MAN!!!!
Ash: The Kool-Aid Man is not a Pokemon.
Skeletor: You say it…but can you prove it?
Emperor’s Royal Referee: He’s got us on a technicality here, Ash. There’s no way of really proving that the Kool-Aid Man isn’t a Pokemon. The battle must continue.
Skeletor: Victory is mine! Shanananah!
Emperor’s Royal Referee: The winner of Round Two: Kool-Aid Man! You are both tied at one win each. There’s still two rounds left. Choose your Pokemon!
Ash: Beat this Skeletor – my electric hellhound! Jolteon…I choose you!
Skeletor: Fine. Straight from the Baxter Building, here’s THE THING!
Hot Rod: So you’re saying this Pepsi Blue stuff is poison?
2-1B: Hot Rod, please heed my warning – go back to your friend and get him the Hell out of there. This new Pepsi Blue soda is nothing to be trifled with.
Hot Rod: Are you sure it’s just not like an acquired taste or something? Ash really wants the stuff.
2-1B: No, Hot Rod, it’s dangerous. Come here for a second…
2-1B: Look what it did to Luke!!
Hot Rod: Holy crap, it is poison! I’ve gotta warn Ash before it’s too late!
2-1B: Yes, you must. And if it’s not too much trouble, bring me a croissant when you’re finished. I’m pretty damn hungry!
Hot Rod: Save Ash, get croissants – check.
Hot Rod: Good God man, put some pants on! There’s robots present.
Luke: That soda….that soda it tastes like banshee milk….heelllllp mee…
Hot Rod: Will you let go of my arm? I just got that thing polished!
Skeletor: Well Ash, it’s 3-1 me. One more win, and I get the Pepsi. What do you say to that?
Ash: HAHAHAHAH! I kill me! And I’m not giving up, Skeletor!
Skeletor: Enough funny business, peon. This charade has gone on long enough. I’m really fucking thirsty. I want my Pepsi NOW. Why don’t you just bring out whatever sorry ass Pokemon you’ve got left, so I can thoroughly kick its ass and become a Pokemon master! Oh God…I’m gonna be a Pokemon master?
Ash: Squirtle, I choose you!
Skeletor: Squirtle?! A tiny turtle?! You seek to defeat the mighty Skeletor with a tiny turtle! This is to laugh! If only He-Man fought using Pokemon, I’d be the king of Eternia by now.
Ash: Whatever you say Skeletor…check this out:
Emperor’s Royal Referee: Oh my! Squirtle is evolving into Wartortle…wait, wait a second… Now Wartortle is evolving! Skeletor, Ash’s Squirtle has evolved twice and turned into…BLASTOISE! It’s a turtle with goddamned CANNONS growing out of it’s shoulders! Your final victory won’t be easily achieved!
Ash: Beat that you blue bastard.
Skeletor: He’s impressive, I admit. But he’s not super-impressive. No, there’s only one Pokemon that could be considered super-impressive.
Skeletor: Not Pikachu, Ash. May I present to you, my final Pokemon. May I present to you…your worst nightmare….
Ash: Referee, there is NO WAY it’s legal for him to use Jesus Christ in a Pokemon match! I’m sorry but this is just not fair!
Emperor’s Royal Referee: My hands are tied! The rules are way too vague, Ash…there’s nothing I can do! Do you want to forfeit?
Ash: ARGH! What am I supposed to do here…if I start having Pokemon attack Jesus, he’ll send me straight to Hell. But I really want that Pepsi!
Skeletor: Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
Ash: I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
Ash: Hot Rod, you’re back! I have a problem – Skeletor’s making me be all blasphemous and stuff. What should I do?
Hot Rod: We’ve got to have a little talk, Ash. There’s something about that Pepsi you don’t know.
Ash: Okay Skeletor, you win. I forfeit. The Pepsi’s all yours.
Skeletor: I knew you didn’t have the guts to fight God. I AM THE CHAMPION! Nyah nyah nyah NYAH nyah! You are a looooooser!
Ash: Yes. I am a loser. You won the Pepsi, fair and square.
Skeletor: Gimme an ‘S,’ gimme a ‘K’!
Ash: Oh shut up.
Skeletor: To the victor go the spoils! Finally I can see what all the fuss is over this drink!
Skeletor: Tastes…like…seltzer…mixed with…cyanide…mixed with…chalk…and corn syrup. Somebody…get help…Skeletor…needs help…
Skeletor: Call a…doctor…for Skeletor…somebody…hurry…Skeletor fading…fading fast…
Ash: Hey Skel, now that we’ve finished battling, I’ve got a question for you. Why do you have green arms all of the sudden?
Moss Man: …so the fuggin’ blue asshole hits me over the head with a shovel and steals my arms! Can you believe that shit?
Jessie: Look at the bright side – premiere parking spots at the mall.
Moss Man: Yeah, true.
I still have every toy featured in that story. Skeletor still has his Moss Man arms, too!