Edible Stocking Stuffers!

I bought a big pile of edible stocking stuffers.

1

Most of you would probably avoid these, whether because they’re made of dried meat or because they’re actually meant for cats.

Me? I don’t discriminate. I love all stocking stuffers. Here are 70-100 words about each.

2

Jack Link’s Beef Jerky!

Oh, so it’s “Jack Link’s?” I always thought it was “Jack’s Links.” Which I guess makes no sense. There’s nothing linky about jerky.

I’m off to a great start.

Jack has been peddling these mini-bags as stocking stuffers for a long time, but I never really bought it until this year. It wasn’t so much an epiphany as a natural reaction to the newly included BIGFOOT IN A SANTA CAP stickers. Holy jeez, those are fantastic. It’ll take a lot of fingernail finesse, but that is so going on the front cover of my diary.

“Jerky Wonderland.”

JERKY. WONDERLAND.

3

Friskies Party Mix Cat Treats!

My only complaint is that the treats themselves aren’t holiday-shaped. This would mean so much more if I could feed my cats condensed livestock organs in the shapes of mittens and Christmas trees. Songs have been sung over a lot less.

On the other hand, the packaging is pretty festive. They even built in a “to and from” label!

(It’s for that reason that 2013 may finally determine whether we have a cat named “Saber” or a cat named “Sabre.” I’ve never put a firm foot forward about that. Now I’ll have to.)

I’m mostly excited about the featured cat’s Photoshopped tongue. Purina loves to Photoshop cat tongues, and subtlety is a dirty word whenever they do it. They look less like natural body parts and more like alien slugs who force “cleaner shrimp / moray eel” relationships on a bunch of cats.

4

<3 <3 <3

I should’ve glued a little shark fin to Gray Cat’s head. Coulda ruled Tumblr.

5

Animal Crackers!

I was excited to see these, believing that the crackers would strictly portray “wintery” animals. No such luck. It’s the same bunch of lions and camels and sheep.

What was all that “limited edition” stuff on the box about? I refuse to accept “well the boxes show polar bears in a snow globe” as a reason to call something “limited edition.” No.

6

On the bright side, I think I have all of the necessary animals for a Christmas manger. Or most of them, anyway. I also seem to have a kangaroo with a backwards horse head.

(Seriously, what is that thing? A Tauntaun?)

7a 7b

Slim Jim Twin Pack!

machoTwo extra long Slim Jims in a package adorned with snowflakes. One look at the nutrition facts confirms that Slim Jims are treats best left in the past, when Macho Man was making them seem like power pellets.

I just did some math. It was hard, but I did it. One Slim Jim has the same amount of fat as *twenty-three* Jack Link’s mini-bags. What the hell is in these things?

(Oh. “Mechanically separated chicken.” Glad I looked that up. I’m sure it pairs nicely with the “lactic acid starter culture.” Every ingredient in Slim Jims sounds like a band I’d never listen to.)

8

Whoppers Christmas House!

I doubt I’ve eaten more than five Whoppers in my entire life, but I couldn’t resist this miniature milk carton made to look like a brick Christmas house.

I love the idea of the Whoppers serving as tenants. They’re all inside, doing whatever it is Whoppers do when they think nobody is looking. No Whopper ever wants to leave, which makes sense, because the ones that do end up being crushed to death by giant teeth two seconds later.

That makes the decision to eat even one Whopper something that should be carefully considered.  Do I want a malted milk ball enough to end one life and spread paranoia to twenty or thirty more? Can I live with myself knowing that even the Whoppers that survive will spend the rest of their days in constant dread, huddling together with a “schooling fish” mentality, secretly praying that the next victim will be one of their roommates?

Is NaNoWriMo still going on? I want this story to become a book, but specifically a book written in three hours.

Whether you pick one of these foods or an entirely different food, I must insist that you stuff ALL stockings with SOME type of food. It’s critical to the presentation. Same with deodorant. Nobody asks for these things in their stockings, but they need to be there. Christmas morning isn’t Christmas morning unless we’re making mountains out of 79 cent molehills.


31 Responses to Edible Stocking Stuffers!

  1. Man, the Slim Jim people are sorcerers or something to get so much terrible stuff in such a tiny package

  2. I’m going to have to disagree with you on the animals crackers. I see a mix of typical nativity scene animals(sheep and camel) and cold weather animals (bear and snow tiger) with a tauntaun thrown in for good measure.

    I am inclined to say they aced the winter creatures assortment.

  3. @JamesDM: I want to believe you, but I just dug deeper into the box and out came a hippo.

  4. Jerky Wonderland! I love it.

  5. “Nice to see one or two oldsters here (DJ D).”Terror Claws
    Nice to see you coming around too. I like that I can come here and still run into some of the old names from years ago, some of which I’ve become pretty good friends with outside of DD.

    I got on a major jerky jag a few years ago. I was keeping it my car, in my desk at work, at home…I couldn’t get enough. I had it stashed away anywhere I was likely to be in case the urge hit me. Then, as soon as it came on, it was gone and I burned myself out on it. Jerky jags are like that, I guess.

    I like the fact that the cat’s name is Gray Cat. I have an indoor cat named Squeakers, but have kind of co-adopted an outdoor one that I just call Orange Cat. I say “co-adopted” because I know 2 of my neighbors are also feeding him/her. He doesn’t look like he’s missing any meals, so I think he’s running a nice little con on everyone at the end of the cul-de-sac.

  6. Ze heepo, he just wants to belong…

  7. Matt

    Regarding the animal crackers:I remember those from when I was a kid and I am older than you. The “limited edition” thing may just refer to the crackers being available. I am not sure if they are available year round anymore, but I could be wrong.

  8. All that food together is a holiday throw up waiting to happen. “Merry Bleeeeeeeeh!”

  9. Have animal crackers always been that detailed? I feel like I must only eat the off brand ones if that’s the case.

    I used to pretend that Slim Jims were like a video game power up for me. I’d eat one, and start acting like I was super strong, or something else crazy. Now it’s looking like it may have been hallucinations brought on by all the chemicals in the damn things.

  10. I vote on Sabre. It feels classier.
    As for Slim Jims, I much prefer the Jack Link’s all-beef version. I don’t know if they’re healthier, but they taste better. Also, do not do a google image search for “mechanically separated chicken.” You will not like what you find.

  11. Sabre seems nice.

    I tried beef jerky once when I was a kid; it tasted something like a bouillon cube :(

  12. Speaking of jerky, have you ever partaken (partook? my spellcheck says both are correct) in “Jerky Chew?”, the meat scratchings that you keep in your mouth for hours as if it were chewing tobaccky? What a revolutionary idea.

  13. I love jerky. I’ll have to seek these out.

  14. I love everyone of these. Well, I wouldn’t eat the cat treats and I no longer have a cat, but I still love the idea of the cat treats. This whole article gives me a great idea for someone special. Hmmm…I just need to find all of these things.

    I love beef jerky, especially Jack Link’s beef jerky. I buy a bag from time to time whenever I hit Walmart. I had one just the other night. While I was eating it, I looked at the nutritional information on the bag, which said one bag contained three servings. I ate that whole damn bag in one sitting. Like a man. Their commercials are pretty good, too. Now I want to see a holiday Jack Link’s commercial with the sasquatch dancing to “Jerky Wonderland” (to the tune of Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Boogie Wonderland,” of course).

    Finally, I guess you name the cat “Saber” if you want to pay tribute to the noble saber-toothed cat and “Sabre” if you want to pay tribute to a sword, the company that bought Dunder-Mifflin on “The Office,” and Victor Creed. Choose wisely.

  15. I love stocking stuffers because I always feel that a bunch of little presents are better most of the time then one big present. The thrill of receiving the gift extends that much longer. I like picking out all those little gifts and I am in charge of the stocking stuffers so I look forward to these articles. Well I am not in charge Santa is but every time I say that Harry rolls his eyes. Such a party pooper.

    I used to put Jack Link’s into Harry’s lunch in sandwich bags when he used to work. We both do not eat them anymore, too chewy.

    I saw a guy actually at Walmart a few days ago picking out a bag of animal crackers and he said out loud to himself oh there you are! Animal crackers! And then put them in the cart. It was the funniest thing. I like the frosted ones myself, even though you need a big glass of milk with them.

    I printed a coupon a few days ago for Harry for a Dial Men’s body wash gift pack sold exclusively at Rite Aid. Hopefully Rite Aid has a sale on it before Christmas so I can get it for less then 10 dollars. I am also wanting to buy Moon Pies there to wrap for him. They sell them there 6 mini pies for a dollar or 3 big ones for a dollar. I also want to get him a metal airplane sign I found on Ebay that is like 25 bucks. I am really hoping after bills I will sell enough this next month to get it for him.

    Their are a lot of cool metal signs on Ebay if anybody is bored and has some time to kill you should check them out.

    Anyway, hope everybody is having a great weekend. We are still slowly making the leftovers disappear.

    I bought the light bulb for our fiber optic tree Friday morning so hopefully it gets here really soon so I can put up our tree. That has turned into such a big project. I would think that the store I bought the tree from (Walmart) would sell replacement light bulbs. They don’t. So I have to pay 7 dollars to buy one from Amazon dammit.

  16. They’re getting really insane with the cat food these days. Did you know they make breakfast food for cats and dogs? Also, tell me how the friskies taste :P

  17. “I got on a major jerky jag a few years ago.” DJ D
    That sounds absolutely filthy. At least it wasn’t a minor jerky jag, as that’s all sorts of illegal.

  18. My parents put oranges and bananas into the bottoms of the stockings hung in front of the fireplace. Then, for full effect, they lit a huge Christmas Eve fire. All the fruit was fully baked and oozing on Christmas morning. Our Christmas stockings are stained to this day, but I’d not want them any other way.

  19. I like jerky and meat snacks, but rarely eat them because they are so expensive. Like five bucks for a bag of jerky and two bucks for a slim jim.

    Speaking of polar bears, did you know that the Coca-Cola polar bears have a animated movie coming out? Don’t know when, but I saw a trailer when I went to see Hunger Games 2 today.

  20. I’ve only seen the Animal Crackers and the Whoppers, but these are all actually pretty cool. I hate malt balls, but I’m almost half-tempted to buy that Whopper box. I see them or a variation every year, and they’re always so cute.

  21. “That sounds absolutely filthy. At least it wasn’t a minor jerky jag, as that’s all sorts of illegal.”Jugendsehnsucht
    Good point. And to think, I was doing it at work, at home, in the car…I had a real problem.

  22. I miss Slim Jims. We have other Slim Jim-alikes here in Canada, but it’s just not the same.

    I would also like to do my part in encouraging the application of a shark fin to your cat, assuming the cat is up to it.

  23. My wife votes for “Sabre”, by the way.

  24. I vote that you spell it Çäbr, just to make things needlessly difficult.

  25. I vote for Saabre, which was for many years the name of the airline ticket reservation computer system

  26. Given the suggestions, I feel like I need a bingo ball to decide this cat’s name.

  27. Whoa! You have NAMES for your cats??

    I thought they were just Grey Cat and Kitten?

    What is this Sabre/Saber nonsense?

  28. @Jugendsehnsucht -> Like the parents who named their kid Rian instead of Ryan or Arrikka instead of Erica.

    Consequently my name is Vee and I’ve seen someone spell it Vie, Vve, and yuei before

    the last one baffled me the most.

  29. I’ll usually get my wife some sort of gourmet chocolate bar for her stocking (among the other random stuff). She likes the spicy kind with red pepper flakes and the like inside the chocolate.

    Growing up we always had a stocking for our dog. We never learned not to hang it so low as it always ended up swinging by a thread come Christmas.

  30. its weird cause I used to like a lot of that stuff….now I REALLY DO want a real orange in my stocking, and other items with one word ingredients. WTF has adult-hood done to me?!

  31. I’m pretty sure the deal with the Animal Crackers is just the box. I LOVE that box mostly because I have been brainwashed by the Coca Cola company into believing that Polar Bears are gentle, fun, kind cola drinking creatures.

    But the box is a lie. That’s in no way standard animal cracker dough. It’s darker and to my taste a bit more gingery, or maybe closer to a Teddy Graham sort of thing. I disliked it instantly. Luckily I had a bag of Iced Animal Cookies handy, made with the proper shortbread dough. MMMm, that hint of white icing badly brushed over animal shapes… I need a fresh bag of those now. :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *