Guys. We need to have a serious discussion about Little Debbie.
No stranger to seasonally-shaped snacks, Little Debbie had something special in mind for the 2014 summer season: Cookies and cakes based on sea animals.
It’d be one thing if she picked sharks and dolphins, but Debbie went with jellyfish and live coral. Bizarre but beautiful! I’d like to thank the supplier of Little Debbie’s phencyclidine for inspiring her to stripe small cakes and tell us it’s goddamned coral.
Let us examine these new treats, one by one.
First are Seashell Brownies, which look more like ugly purses with missing handles.
The pink icing suggests that they’re meant to be the shells of lion’s paw scallops. The reason Debbie didn’t identify them is because nobody would buy Lion’s Paw Scallop Shell Brownies.
Nobody besides me, at least. I would buy those so hard.
Next are Starfish Cookies, which could’ve been Joe Normal had Little Debbie chosen virtually any color but blue. Yeah, there are real blue starfish hiding in our oceans, but they aren’t typical candidates for cookie inspiration. The neat thing about the real ones is that they’re called Linckia laevigata, which will also be the name of a divisive new character in the seventeenth season of Game of Thrones.
Coral Reef Cakes!
Third is this pair of Coral Reef Cakes, which are available in two flavors: White cakes with blue frosting, and yellow cakes with orange frosting. That sounds so much more confusing than it should.
To represent coral reefs, Debbie haphazardly striped each cake with colorful frosting. Then she drizzled way too many tiny fish sprinkles all over them. The cakes resemble not so much “coral reefs” as “oil slicks with a bunch of dead fish floating in them,” but I’m willing to forgive that because they’re incredibly delicious.
Before we even get to the jellyfish part, I must take issue with the classification of these as “cookies.” They’re giant, coated marshmallows with the softest, thinnest chocolate bases imaginable. If there was a cookie exhibition, and the judges had to decide if these could actually be considered “cookies,” I think they’d say yes, but only after talking it over for a really long time first.
Good God! PURPLE jellyfish! Anyone who’s ever heard a beach speech from an idiot ten-year-old knows that purple jellyfish are the ones that can kill you. Well, look how the tides have turned! Your seventeen inches of marshmallow fat can’t sting me, Jellyfish Cookie!
These ARE weird, right? It can’t just be me. If Little Debbie wanted to celebrate summertime, she could’ve done it in much safer ways, like with beachball cookies or cupcakes based on smiling suns. I for one applaud her calculated risk! The world needed giant purple jellyfish marshmallows. It just didn’t know it did.