Welcome to the 39th edition of Five Random Action Figures.
Just one more to go before I’ll have reviewed 200 different figures in this series, which I’ll of course use as an excuse to buy fancy old toys that aren’t already collecting dust in the unsightly bins stacked exactly four feet behind me.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989)
During the original TMNT boom years, Casey Jones was the man. In the cartoon, he came off like Jason Voorhees mixed with the Toxic Avenger mixed with Wolverine. In the live action movies, he was more like Captain Lone Starr mixed with a friendlier CM Punk. Both medleys worked. Crazy worked.
Naturally, the action figure was based on Casey’s appearance in the cartoon. I don’t know how to describe his outfit, other than to say that it looks like something you can only wear if you live on boiled chicken and Bowflex Max Trainers. I only live near them.
The mask is decidedly more “Jason” than “random goalie,” while the sneakers look like some special edition pair that were only on sale for one day at select boutiques. We all have our vices. Read More…
Get set for the 38th edition of Five Random Action Figures, starring robot bugs and alien elephants and Ted “Theodore” Logan. We’re gonna have a time.
Storm w/ Power Glow Action
The Uncanny X-Men (1993)
If I have it right, this was the second of three distinct Storm figures to use this mold. The first came in 1991 and wore an all-black costume. The last, from 1995, wore a white costume to better resemble Storm’s appearance in X-Men: The Animated Series.
In the middle was this one, which happens to be my favorite. The switch to silver paid tribute to Storm’s then-current comic costume, and also made the figure look so much more…. godly. It was as if Raiden and Sindel put aside their differences to make a super-powered baby.
The ribbony cape is as awkward as it looks, but it does add a certain elegance. Had I owned this version of Storm back in the ‘90s, she would’ve ruled over my other action figures with a 90-to-10 ratio of pragmatism and vengeance. Read More…
I normally only cover vintage toys on Five Random Action Figures, but this time, let’s try something different. Below are five figures that are still in stores, proving that new stuff can be just as awesome as old stuff, and less grimy to boot.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Superstars (2016)
Yes, this is a real thing. Michelangelo dressed as Randy “Macho Man” Savage. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS TEN, MACHO MIKEY?
Mikey is part of a growing series of TMNT/WWE mashups, and for my money, he’s the best of them. Oh, and speaking of money, be prepared to drop $30 or more if you want one of these. I’d say that they cost too much, but you can’t expect Ninja Turtles dressed like WWE superstars if you’re not willing to foot a portion of the licensing fees.
Some fans think that Raphael would’ve been a better fit for Savage, but since Macho Man’s most prolific bandana was pretty orange, I think Mikey was the natural choice.
Macho Mikey is heavy, well-detailed and has enough points of articulation to pull off each and every of Dean Malenko’s 1000 moves. A splurge for sure, but how could anyone resist such an action figure miracle? Read More…
Welcome to the 36th edition of Five Random Action Figures, featuring alien brains and bounty hunters and Henry Silva. We’re gonna have a time.
Star Wars (1979)
Arguably the coolest figure in the entire Star Wars collection, Boba Fett looks like a stormtrooper mixed with a carnival. The figure’s suit is lined with nondescript tools and mysterious pockets, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only kid who spent hours wondering what purposes they served.
Tl; dr: Even Fett’s left leg was more interesting than most action figures.
Like the character, Boba Fett’s toy has a winding history. Before The Empire Strikes Back premiered, Kenner used Fett to drum up interest in their soon-to-expand toy line. The figure was initially advertised with a “rocket firing” mechanism, one that proved too dangerous to actually execute. Though a few prototypes of that figure exist, a mutant strain of the Mandela Effect led scores of Star Wars fans to distinctly remember owning a rocket firing Fett. (None did.)
There aren’t many Star Wars figures that take nearly this much textual geekery to explain. Thank you, Boba Fett, for helping me lose the audience early. Read More…
Welcome to a special holiday edition of Five Random Action Figures. For maximum effect, you gotta drink eggnog and wear footie pajamas while reading this.
This time, I’m limiting myself only to figures that I personally got for Christmas back in the ‘80s. Two were already in my collection; the remaining three were purchased specifically for this article, and not at all because I thought it’d be awesome to own Serpentor again.
G.I. Joe (1986)
More “sci-fi” than the average G.I. Joe character, Serpentor was cloned from the remains of civilization’s most notorious warriors and strategists, like Julius Caesar and Attila the Hun. (This was later retconned, but since the retcon was even more out there, that “sci-fi” descriptor still fits.)
As the new leader of Cobra, Hasbro gave Serpentor the royal treatment. At first, his action figure was only available with the Air Chariot vehicle, which meant that kids had to work extra hard if they were gonna convince their parents to buy Serpentor during a regular trip to Toys “R” Us. Most of us had to wait for our birthdays, or in my case, Christmas.
Actually, I received him a few days before Christmas. This involved breaking my vow to not ask for him early while making my pitch at our old ratty Sears. My mother took the bait, as if I was really gonna spend a week living with Serpentor but never actually seeing him. C’mon.
Once she acquiesced, I had 3-4 days to play with Serpentor before Santa’s arrival. I never got bored of him. Even on the afternoon of Christmas, when the crowds were gone and I could finally pay full attention to my presents, I remember feeling guilty that I still wanted to play with Serpentor more than my “new” stuff.
I think it was the sparkly cape, but it could’ve just as easily been the Halloween snake mask. Or maybe it was the little cobra that came packaged with Serpentor in lieu of the traditional rifle. Man, this guy had a lot going for him. Easily among my top 5 favorite G.I. Joe figures. Read More…
Since we’re in the thick of Dino Drac’s 2016 holiday celebration, I’m adding a special theme to this edition of Five Random Action Figures.
In this batch, every figure has something to do with ice or snow. This despite the fact that it still won’t be winter even a month from now. Really, I just wanted to mess with tiny styrofoam snowballs. (Give me this! I have so little.)
G.I. Joe (1990)
According to his file card, Sub-Zero was the Joes’ “Winter Operations Specialist,” which sounds like one of those bullshit designations you give to ambitious worker bees.
“Oh yes, Mr. Habershaw! We see big things from you as our new… uhhh… Master of Cold! Now put on this wackadoo uniform and then go stand in the snow forever.”
I’m apathetic towards Sub-Zero, who arrived long after I’d stopped paying serious attention to the G.I. Joe universe. What immediately strikes me is that this 1990 figure looks so much like one Hasbro would’ve put out five years prior, with the sort of antiquely stoic facial sculpt that more befit 1985 than the rad-to-the-bone 1990s.
With removable snow shoes and a giant machine gun being only two of Sub-Zero’s awesome accessories, I’m still more drawn to that weird ass hood of his. Now I know what’d come out if both Dorothy and Sophia entered one of the telepods from The Fly. Read More…