Dinosaur Dracula!

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/19 – 12/20/12.

Today’s gift is a lunchbox filled with torture devices.

Dino Drac acts like he hates it, but I see through him. Hey, we were all kids once. I’ve pretended to hate great gifts plenty of times, for reasons many and varied. I’m not buying this facade. There is no way a vampire dinosaur wouldn’t want torture devices.

“I’ll level with you. The gifts are fine. I just want to open tomorrow’s, too.”

I knew it was a mistake to start with that. Now he thinks it’s an everyday thing. On the other hand, I’m getting pretty sick of burying the site’s good content with giant Advent Calendar photos, so I tell him to have at it. Read More…

Martini Matt.

I had no reason to buy this. I own lots of martini glasses and several cocktail shakers, so $9 was a lot to pay for stale crackers.

Maybe I fell prey to the same thing I always fall prey to during the last week before Christmas: That sick feeling that the world will turn black if I don’t cram in as much holiday idiocy as humanly possible.

Hey, I’m going to miss this. At no other time of year are stores filled with so much goofy and wonderful crap. I guess I just wanted one last memento to carry me through the more wretched parts of 2013.

April, especially. Even from back here, it looks terrible.

I found this “Martini Man” gift set at Target. I know it seems too similar to that Bloody Mary gift set to be worth reviewing, but I didn’t really buy this for website-related purposes.

I think what sold me most was the ultra-tiny martini glass. Read More…

The Panettone Cake Monster.

Dudes. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of panettone, but in my family, no Christmas is complete without one on the table. Even if nobody touches it. Few ever do.

It’s basically bread masquerading as cake. It’s sweet, faintly fruity, very Italian, and eating it is like trying to chew through an oil-soaked sponge. I can’t tell you more than that, because this isn’t one of my go-to desserts. It’s just something that MUST BE ON THE TABLE come Christmas Eve.

For me, the attraction finds root in its shape and its size. It’s that perfect midpoint between a giant overcooked cupcake and a giant overcooked human head.

The obvious next step is to transform this into some kind of monster. Read More…

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/17 – 12/18/12.

“They can’t be serious. What is this, a translucent breadbox?”

Nah, I think it’s just some kind of holding tank. Either way, a pretty junky gift. In fact, it’s so junky that I refuse to respect it with a bold font. These Playmobil Advent Calendars really love their peaks and valleys.

“This gift sucks. I’m opening tomorrow’s. I don’t care what you say.”

Uh, I was going to suggest the same thing. It’s not like I know how to rock an entry about a tiny holding tank that holds nothing. I’d have to go way out of my depth on the existential humor. Read More…

Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/16/12.

Expecting more disappointment after that hideous stretch of tree parts, Dino Drac is pleasantly surprised by today’s gift.

Meet Safari Woman, a fiery brute who may actually just be a statue.

“She’s not moving! She’s not moving at all!”

Actually, Dino Drac, she is moving. She’s just doing it really slowly. Not sure why.

“This is stupid! Should I push her?”

I tell Dino Drac to give her some time. After all, Safari Woman had been trapped in a box for weeks, with what was assuredly limited oxygen. And that says nothing of the emotional effects.

“But the guy we got on December 1st was fine when he came out. I’m going to push her!”

I’m quick to admonish him. I’ve seen the power of these Playmobil women. There’s no reason to risk being blasted with fluorescent lightning just because my dinosaur has a sick obsession with pushing people.

“Can I at least rename her? I see her more as a Gracie.”

Fine, fine. She’s Gracie. Now step away.

Vlog: Top-Drawer Christmas Vacation Stuff.

I wouldn’t normally post two videos so close together, but I think the combination of the background music and my trademark five-minute pauses make this one especially suitable for late night weekend viewing.

Behold, top-drawer thingamajigs from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation:

PS, you have read this month’s Christmas Vacation feature, right? YOU HAVE TO.

Novelties based on stuff from Christmas movies are nothing new, but sweet Jesus, these are over the top. The video covers the electronic Attacking Squirrel, along with an item so enormously awesome that even if I shouldn’t spoil the video by telling you what it is, I NEED TO HAVE A PHOTO OF IT ON THE SITE:

It’s the motherfuckin’ Moose Mug PUNCH BOWL, which looks a giant mutant version of the mugs from the movie. It’s fragile, cumbersome and stupidly expensive, but I will never rue the day that I chose this over car insurance.

Hell, I’m already thinking ahead to my family’s Christmas Eve bash. I’m suddenly motivated to make a weird ass holiday salad, just so I can serve it out of this big moose head. Then one of the kids will break it, and I’ll spend the rest of the night hunting pity with a good sulk.