Dinosaur Dracula!


Just a note! Dino Drac’s Luxury Apartments is now open for business!

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Awesome Toys in Flight of the Navigator!

Released in 1986, I must have seen Flight of the Navigator at least a hundred times. Admittedly, none of those hundred times were recent. If I get any facts wrong in this post, blame a combination of faded memories and the fact that I wrote it at 3:30 in the morning.

The synopsis, as I remember it: A sentient alien ship kidnaps a kid named David, and drops him back on Earth several years in the future. He hasn’t aged a day, leading his grateful but confused family (and everyone else) to wonder where he was and what might have happened to him. We later learn that the ship (“Max”) had good intentions, and was only helping David realize his destiny to become some kind of outer space pet collector. (That’s not quite it, but it’s close enough.)

My memories of the film are scattered but strong. Sarah Jessica Parker with a tuft of pink hair. Cherry Coke. The guy from Shock Treatment playing “Dad.” An alien that was pretty much a big pile of breathing snot. And I think some kind of robot mailman?

I realize that I’m doing a terrible job of pitching this movie, but that’s not why I’m here.

I’m here to gush about David’s toys.

NASA takes an interest in David, because he’s obviously had a funky experience deserving of their prodding. Unfortunately, at the behest of a scientist played by Howard Hesseman (!!!), NASA treats David more like a lab monkey than a special guest.

That’s neither here nor here, but now we’re getting to the point. To make David feel more comfortable (and less imprisoned) in his new NASA “apartment,” they stuffed it with everything a boy from 1986 could have possibly wanted.

See that giant spaceship doll up there? That was only the beginning! Read More…

Jaws: The Revenge items, from eBay!

Released in 1987, Jaws: The Revenge was the final and least-liked of the four Jaws films. And that’s a major understatement. The movie’s legendary stupidity transcended mere comparisons with the previous chapters, and it’s in fact regarded as one of the worst movies of all time.

See it once and you’ll understand why. The story is just absurd, changing Jaws from a natural predator to an almost supernatural killer. Among other feats, the shark could roar, not to mention travel from Massachusetts to the Bahamas just as fast as an airplane.

Set completely within the previous films’ universe, Jaws: The Revenge basically treats the “new” shark like it’s the same one from the original. During key moments, star Lorraine Gary has flashbacks to Roy Schneider scenes that her character wasn’t even present for.

I love the film, but I can’t be a contrarian. By any objective measure, it’s really, really bad.

Thing is, I saw it as a kid, and my critical brain wasn’t mature enough to catch (or care about) the goofs and oversights. I spent too many years loving this film to ever hate it now.

It may have set a “zero star” review record, but bad movies can be fun. Drink once whenever the shark does something a real shark never could! Drink twice whenever Lorraine Gary makes fun of her sex appeal, which for some reason happens every ten minutes!

And now, apropos of nothing, here are the five best Jaws: The Revenge items currently on eBay! Read More…

Mighty Max. But with aliens.

Sent from the cosmos to some dank New Jersey flea market, I’m proud to present the gorgeous mutant offspring of Mighty Max and space aliens!

The Mysteries of the Universe collection mixes the “tiny playset” appeal of Mighty Max with the “holy shit SPACE ALIENS” appeal of… I don’t know, Fire in the Sky?

The package is undated, but I’m fairly sure it’s from the mid ‘90s. (Not only would it justify the Mighty Max similarities, but that’s also around the time of Independence Day and The X-Files.)

Unless “China” is a company, I have no idea who made it. I also have no idea what to officially call the toy, unless its makers really were obnoxious enough to go with “Mysteries of the Universe – UFO and Visitors from Outer Space.” I don’t think SEO rigging applies to toy packaging. Read More…

Old Batman Tortilla Chips!

Back in 1992, the weirdly named “Street Kids” company sought to capitalize on Batman’s box office successes with TORTILLA CHIPS SHAPED LIKE HIS LOGO.

Street Kids already had major product tie-in successes with the first Batman flick, but the chips coincided with Batman Returns – easily my favorite Batman movie, and actually one of my favorite movies, period. I know there was (and continues to be) a mixed reaction to that film, but I gush about it with no asterisks. I loved everything about it in 1992, and I appreciate it even more in 2013. From an opening credits sequence that still gives me goosebumps, to a distracted Penguin fantasizing about his “French flipper trick,” Batman Returns succeeded on every front.

I would’ve been more than happy to eat tortilla chips in its honor. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to recall Batman Tortilla Chips being locally available at the time.

…which is odd, because from everything I’ve read, the chips were IMMENSELY popular. I’ve even found an old newspaper article that heralded them as a great game-changer for the junk food industry — a veritable evolutionary jump that would surely pave way for other chip brands to come up with cooler shapes.

Chances are, more than a few of you ate these chips. You lucky bastards.

Before we continue, one note! Due to the packaging’s “first movie” color scheme, many fans remember it as something that came out in 1989. But from everything I’ve found, the chips definitely debuted in ’92. If you’re ready to swear that you ate these in 1989, prove it. Read More…