Apartment 15C.

APARTMENT 15C
Rented by: Trader Joey
Co-signer: Mike B.

Trader Joey never thought he’d end up in a dated (albeit spacious) studio apartment. He was once a promising purveyor of dry goods, and owned four Trader Joey general stores in the San Francisco area.

One day, Trader Joey thought he’d hit the jackpot when a city-slicker from the mid-west offered to buy his shops — along with the franchising rights of the Trader Joey’s name — for a cool $14,000. Little did he know that he would never be able to replicate his first successes.

Trader Joey watched while his former stores prospered and grew into a nationwide chain of popular grocery outlets. He knew was out millions upon millions of dollars, and it ate away at his soul. He moved across the country to try and forget about his troubles, and spent his last few dollars on his first month’s rent at Dino Drac’s Luxury Apartments. That was years ago; he’s since blown the last of his cash.

Trader Joey is technically a squatter now. Every day, he eats one can of beans, which he warms by sitting on. His heat and hot water was shut off long ago, as was his plumbing. His bedpan is always by his side.

While he waits for the sweet release of death, Trader Joey practices his two favorite hobbies: counting his new ailments as they arise, and Klondike solitaire.