Halloween Milk?
Before we dive into dairy, how about a quick shill? International orders are now accepted for the Dino Drac Halloween prints! I’ve also updated the page with some nicer photos.
Thanks to everyone who ordered one so far! Sent out the first big batch this afternoon, and boy, did the people behind me at the post office sure wish for my death! I now know how to sigh in eight languages.
As longtime readers know, milk and I do not get along. I have no general aversion to dairy products. I just find milk disgusting. It’s totally inexplicable and has zero correlation to my other eating habits, but yeah, milk is gross.
The last time I drank it was in 2006, when we went to Disney World. And I only did that because the Polynesian’s insistence that I drink fourteen cocktails out of fourteen pineapples gave me the kind of heartburn that one could easily mistake for a heart attack. Even then, it was chocolate milk, and I only had one begrudging sip.
Despite this, I’m going to spend the next several paragraphs gushing about milk. If I treat it as a thing to look at and not as a thing to drink, smell or get on me, milk isn’t so bad. Especially when it’s all Halloweenified!
First up, Nestle Nesquik rules all with its new Halloween bottle. I’m normally bothered when food companies limit their spooky revamps to packaging alone, but here, the packaging is just SO GOOD.
Take a look at the Nesquik Bunny. He’s so unbelievably awesome as a mummy. It’s like he was born to become one. I bet Nestle’s artists ran through a dozen other monster concepts, before finally landing on the mummy and screaming “THAT’S IT THAT’S THE ONE” in glorious unison. No doubt, that’s what I bet.
Course, now that I think about it, they probably picked the mummy just because it rhymes with “bunny.” It sort of does, anyway. Still, he wouldn’t look half as good as any other monster. Thank God “bunny” doesn’t rhyme with “vampire.” We have enough Dracula rabbits.
The bottle is great in a pillar-to-post way. It’s swarming with webs, bats, spiders and sparkles. It also glows in the dark!
Glow-in-the-dark photography is not my area of expertise, but you get the picture. Most impressive is that this isn’t one of those “cheap” glows. The radioactive green shines big and bright, and once I get this milk out of the bottle and boil the insides a hundred times to rid it of any stink, I will have the best Halloween decoration ever. I’m exaggerating, but it’s hard not to fall victim to hyperbole when something so milky does something so cool.
Thumbs way up. If I was a milk-drinking, Halloween-loving child, I’d totally marry that bottle. You just know it’s going to be such a event for kids. Chocolate milk is bonus enough for most children, but this is chocolate milk in a bottle with a glowing rabbit mummy on it. Pleasure from every end. I didn’t mean that to sound so sexy.
Believe it or not, Halloween’s ties to milk do not end here. Oh no, there’s more.
Oh, man. Gotta tell ya, this has me SO CLOSE to drinking milk. I’m seriously on the verge.
TruMoo has TwoNew Halloween things out, but only the orange one is a full-fledged special edition. They sell chocolate milk all year, but for a limited time,, it’s labeled with a BOSS Halloween sticker, filled with terrors and dreads and a creepier “moo” font.
The second milk is a much bigger production. It’s vanilla flavored, and though I assume TruMoo sells vanilla cow gunk all the time, I’m sure it isn’t normally orange.
Orange Halloween milk! It’s like they’re baiting me. “You can do it, Matt. You eat cheese. You actually eat too much cheese. This is the same thing, but liquid. AND ORANGE.”
Orange it is, and orange ya glad it is? That was a joke, but this next part is serious: I have no recollection of placing those tiny pumpkin muffins next to the glasses. None, absolutely none. It made for a nicer visual, but I do wish I could shake the notion that somebody else took these photos. I feel like I’m in Act 1 of some Donnie Darko bullshit. And I hated that movie. One great Smurf soliloquy ain’t gonna trick me.
What do TruMoo’s Halloween milks taste like? I have no idea. I came close, but if Gorilla Monsoon taught me anything, it’s the “horseshoes and hand grenades” proverb.
If you need to know, go buy it yourself. I’m just going to sit here and look at it. I’ll watch it curdle and clump. Then I’ll throw it away and move onto something else. Maybe I’ll start collecting guitar picks. I like the ones that look marbled.
