1995 Christmas Crunch with HOLIDAY FROSTING.

You might think that I’ve exhausted the well of Christmas Crunch posts, but nuh uh. I may have written about that cereal fifty times, but I never told you about the time it came with cake frosting.

This super special version of Christmas Crunch came out in 1995, and if not for Coolio, would have been the pop sensation of its year. This was by far the strangest of the many Christmas Crunch variations, but I mean that in the best ways possible.

Before we get to the meat (meat = frosting), let us bow in unison to this box design, bold in its blues and heavy on everything holy. It’s just so right. From Santa Crunch’s understated appearance to the shiny silver snowflakes, it’s a box that begs for stares and GETS them.

I probably would’ve written about this even without the frosting thing. The box art alone really is that good. Such a successful departure from the red-and-green norm. Plus, for some reason, the font they used for “Christmas Crunch” makes me want to ride a train.

I could go on, but I know how you are. You see Cap’n Crunch holding a mysterious packet of frosting, and you want to skip ahead. Can’t say I blame you, even if you are a heartless and impatient ass.

Yeah, that. Heavenly hum. In 1995, Christmas Crunch came with packets of “holiday frosting and sprinkles,” which was the quicker way of saying, “holiday frosting with thousands of red and green sugar grains drowning in it.” Quicker yes, but less poetic.

Anyway, I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I don’t actually have a packet of ancient Christmas Crunch holiday frosting. I only had the empty box to photograph, which was made to look fresh with the aid of masking tape on the bottom and a couple of Dollar Tree vases inside. I know all the tricks.

The good news is, I made my own batch, mixing vanilla cake frosting with red and green sugar crystals. In a pinch, a tiny Ziploc acted as my piping bag. This was a whole lot of ridiculousness for someone who only gets to be home for approximately 30 minutes a day. I regret nothing.

That’s the money shot, which isn’t to infer that I switched the frosting out for something disgusting. (Juge, it was either you or me.) I am so damn proud of this photo, and feel that if the subject was anything other than cereal topped with expired cake frosting, sooo many people would be stealing it.

I did kinda goof a little, putting so much red sugar into the mix that the result was far pinker than was appropriate, and yes, I admit it: I actually considered redoing this entire experiment, just for the sake of whiter frosting. But there’s a fine line between suffering for your art and just being terrible at life, and recreating 1995 cereal frosting TWICE in one night jumps over it like a freakin’ kangaroo.

Here’s where I put my usual spiel about how I can’t imagine this with milk added, but you’ve all heard that story before. “I hate milk.”

Actually, that’s not even true. I guess cake frosting would turn regular milk into something closer to melted ice cream, and even to me, that sounds fine. This cereal succeeds even where it fails.

PS: Stare at that photo and let your eyes cross a little. Now check out the frosting. A LION’S HEAD!!!

I’d like to leave a little mystery surrounding the back of the box, mainly because I forgot to photograph it in full. I will tell you that this image appears under a banner reading, “Cap’n Crunch’s Definition of a Holiday.” Pretty sure that’s funny without an explanation.

Note the girl on the lower left. Bad form, Tiny Marie. You’re supposed to squirt that shit onto the cereal, not eat it outright. This explains why Cap’n Crunch is giving her the scariest death stare I’ve ever seen.