Today I made Boris Karloff’s guacamole. No, really:
Some of you should be familiar with this 1960s newspaper clipping, where Boris Karloff — yes, as in Frankenstein’s Monster — shared his recipe for guacamole. The recipe is pretty “web famous,” and I’m hardly the first food blogger to give it a whirl.
A few readers requested this article after my experiments with Halloween Chex Mix and Vincent Price’s Supper Casserole. Well, if the thought of me mashing avocados in the name of Frankenstein is all it takes to make you happy, sure, let’s do this.
Before we start, lemme tantalize ya with a shot of what we’re gonna end up with:
Mmm! Like the post-sunlight remains of the Vegetable Gremlin.
Formally called Guacamole Boris Karloff, here’s what you’ll need to make it:
– 1 medium tomato
– 1 small onion (way smaller than the one I got)
– small can of chopped green chiles
– 1 lemon
– sherry (cooking sherry or legit sherry, I guess)
– salt, pepper and cayenne pepper
(You could substitute tortilla chips for the Fritos, but Boris’s recipe specifically gave us the option to use “corn chips,” which in 1960s parlance definitely meant Fritos. And there’s just no way I’m gonna ignore permission to trade healthyish Tostitos for fuck-it-all Fritos, in 2020 of all years.)
Peel two avocados and mash ‘em up in a big bowl. I assume there are dedicated tools for that, but I just used a spoon.
Actually, I used a spoon for three minutes, got nowhere, and then just grinded the avocados in my hands like a disgusting freak. Hey, nobody else was going to be eating this, and I’m sure there was some skin-moisturizing bonus in play, too.
Finely chop one medium tomato, and mince a small onion. Today I learned that there’s a difference between mincing and finely chopping. Sadly, I learned it a bit too late in the day, and so my onion pieces were bigger than Boris would’ve preferred.
Boris didn’t specify what type of onion; I went with white because it feels good to cry, even if the crying is because of syn-Propanethial-S-oxide and not because I’m remembering the sad ass ending of the second made-for-television Ewoks movie. (I hope Cindel and Wicket were reunited in another life.)
Take the tomato, onion and a tablespoon of canned green chiles, and throw it all in the bowl with the avocado.
Add salt, pepper and a dash of cayenne. Toss in a tablespoon of lemon juice, and two teaspoons of sherry. Mix like CRAZY.
This was my first time using sherry for cooking, or really for anything. I know it isn’t the same sort of sherry that Frasier and Niles were always drinking, but that didn’t keep the episode with the dead seal from popping into my head the second I opened that bottle. Just what you want on your mind while you prepare gloppy green goop!
After you’ve thoroughly mixed everything, transfer the guac to a less-gross bowl and serve with Fritos. (Or tortilla chips, if you’re boring.)
Folks, you’re looking at it up there — GUACAMOLE BORIS KARLOFF, just like FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER used to eat.
It’s good! I’m assuming sherry isn’t an incredibly common ingredient in today’s guacamoles, and it definitely adds something distinct to Karloff’s version.
While I suppose it’s not miles ahead of “everyday” homemade guac, it’s way better than any pre-packaged variety. The flavors are bright and fresh, and good God I ate that whole bowl in less time than it took to type this sentence.
This is why I love the Halloween season. The fact that I can turn guacamole into a big spooky event, just because it has some ancient link to Frankenstein’s Monster? C’mon, that’s great. This season is full of possibilities like that, if you’re willing to look for them!