Hi, I’m Matt. Child’s Play fan.
I was a late bloomer with horror, but Chucky was an exception. From Day One, I was on his side. Of the right age to clearly recognize him as a riff on Hasbro’s My Buddy dolls, I stupidly assumed that the Child’s Play franchise was at least partially targeted at kids. It wasn’t, but I fell in love all the same. My earliest memories of horror movies come in blips and bleeps, but with Child’s Play, I was all-in.
In my mind, there’s no bad Child’s Play movie. The second one is my favorite, but even the more polarizing fourth and fifth films worked for me. Chucky started as a straight-up slasher, evolved into a sort of cartoon, and eventually settled into something approaching “outsider art.” I adored all of it.
To celebrate Chucky — because that’s what we’re doing today — I thought I’d dust off an abandoned Dino Drac series. Below are the five best Child’s Play items currently on eBay.
(And when I say “best,” I usually mean “weirdest.”)
More bootleg horror toys have come out of Argentina than seemingly anywhere else. “Bootleg horror toys” and “country shaped like a chicken leg” summarizes everything I know about Argentina.
There’s an enormous number of horror-themed pinball games in exactly this scale and shape. I’ve quietly spied on those auctions for years… always wanting to bid, but never able to justify the overseas shipping rate. If you’re more solvent, you should definitely buy this.
The games are of the sort one might find in the loot bag of a second grader’s birthday party, but what you’re really paying for is the cardboard background. Blending an assault on Andy with the iconic promotional image of Chucky beheading a jack-in-the-box, it’s as hauntingly beautiful as a cheap, three inch plastic pinball game could be.
I’ve been tracking this seller’s auctions for more than a year. He makes “tree huggers” for virtually every character imaginable, which sounds like an exaggeration until you’re up to Page 36 and you still haven’t seen his green-skinned mummy.
Deduction indicates that a “tree hugger” is a two-dimensional wooden figure, which can be attached to a tree to suggest that said figure is peering out from behind it. The perpetually sneaky Chucky works well in this medium; he is so the guy who would case the scene from behind a tree.
As best as I can tell, the seller cuts and paints these himself. Of his hundreds of tree huggers, Chucky is one of my favorites, both for the creepy eyes, and the idea that repeatedly dying has given him stray grays.
You can buy signed photos of pretty much any celebrity on eBay, assuming the celebrity was alive in the time of pens. Most of these photos are of the promotional 8×10” variety — the kind that would be on a star’s table at an autograph convention.
But then there are weirder varieties. For instance, here we have a Corbin Bernsen photo, signed by the man himself, which shows him being brutalized by a fake Chucky at some red carpet event. The important thing to note is that Corbin Bernsen has never in any way been involved with the Child’s Play franchise. No cameo appearances, no voice-work… nothing.
I’ve been trying to piece this together. Since Corbin Bernsen has starred in a few horror movies, it stands to reason that he’s appeared at horror conventions. Maybe he printed these up himself, believing that horror fans would be more likely to purchase a photo of him being axed by Chucky than a photo of him smiling by the pool.
The photo is steeply priced, but still a must-have for fans of Child’s Play, Major League or Corbin Bernsen’s midriff.
These dolls are valuable, so even with that wildly damaged box, $80 isn’t too unreasonable. Okay, maybe a tad.
Actually, the damaged box is the whole reason I’m featuring it. Boxes don’t get that messed up incidentally. That isn’t “shelf wear.” I could run a fresh one over ten times and still have a cleaner box, and yet, the doll seems no worse for wear.
So let’s think about this. A mint condition doll in a box that was once selected by a bull for mating. Could it be that this toy is cursed? Has fiction become fact? Is this pile of plastic and fake hair the true vessel of Charles Lee Ray? Perhaps the box’s condition is evidence of Chucky’s many attempts to escape it!
Gimmicky eBay auctions have become passe, but I think this seller should try it. I imagine the auction title being something along the lines of… “HAUNTED Chucky doll — dO you Dare press your LuCK?” The beauty part is that the promise of a haunting would justifiably raise the asking price to $200.
I love this. I will always champion those who realize their creativity through harmlessly bizarre ways. Here, a seller offers custom prepared chocolate Chucky candy heads with your choice of filling. The fact that a chocolate Chucky candy head exists is incredible, but the idea that I can decide between coconut or peanut butter accoutrements knocks it out of the whole damn ballpark.
The candy may lack a certain mass-produced slickness, but I think that adds to the charm. It doesn’t look like something that would come together quickly. Eleven bucks to make someone spend hours carving Chucky’s face into chocolate would be reasonable even if I didn’t get the candy. That’s one of the cheapest ways to play God.
In honor of this post, because this post about bootleg toys and chocolate heads should be honored, I humbly request that you watch a Child’s Play movie this evening. If you’ve never seen any of them, here’s a cheat sheet:
Child’s Play: Straight-up scary ass horror movie.
Child’s Play 2: Christine Elise. <3
Child’s Play 3: Think of the horror movies shown on HBO in the early ‘90s. This is their god.
Bride of Chucky: The sensibility of Scream meets the color palette of Spawn.
Seed of Chucky: Andy Warhol.
Curse of Chucky: Good reason to post on Twitter. “Finally saw Curse of Chucky. Faithful & fun!”
PS: The Dino Drac Funpacks page has been updated with more info and pictures of the final product! Thank you for all of the orders!