I normally don’t go for department store label stuff, but Target’s “Pumpkin Decorating Kits” called out to me. Were I to believe the photos, they were going to let me turn small pumpkins into full-bodied monsters.
Upon seeing their $5 price tags, I was disappointed. If my brain had a mouth, my fellow customers would’ve heard it complain about how nothing in Target costs less than five bucks. Of course, my brain would’ve been exaggerating, since there were gobs of stretchy rubber skeletons on sale for $1, three feet away. The point is, people would be freaking out. A talking brain.
Luckily, it turned out that the kits really were worth that much.
It wasn’t easy to find the right-sized pumpkins for this. Most of the Subaru dealerships around here only sell pumpkins in two sizes: Large, and super mega tiny. Neither is well-suited for pumpkin monsters with torsos made of pail meat.
I eventually found a bag of three “Pumpkin Little” at one of my city’s filthiest supermarkets. Yes, “Pumpkin Little.” Not “Little Pumpkins,” or even the moderately passable “Pumpkin Littles.” Like the mattress store, I guess they left off the “s” for “savings.” Only $3 for the whole bag!
All of the parts do what they’re supposed to, and in a totally non-frustrating way. For once, I could relax. I make so many monsters out of so many things, and I’m so used to crying when their eyes, arms and heads constantly fall off.
That didn’t happen with these guys. If a part was supposed to stick, it stuck. I could even drink a Beck’s Oktoberfest without using my free hand to keep Jack ‘o Drac in one piece. I tell you, I’m not used to such a carefree atmosphere. Life is usually so much harder for me.
The finished products are pretty great. Aside from making prop replicas of Hobgoblin’s bombs, I can’t think of a better use for pumpkins of this size.
Along with the paper limbs and stick-on eyes, each kit comes with small bottles of puffy paint. I gave Dracula a scar and guyliner. The mummy got severe acne smeared with Oxy cream. I’ll always do more for a vampire than a mummy. It’s why I wear my Fugazi “Fuck Racism” tee with so much shame.
But I do appreciate that Target made this mummy female. You almost never see those. Girl mummies are notoriously horny, and this explains why she’s flicking Dracula’s crotch with her toes. Kinda wish they’d bring that party over here. Girl’s got two feet.
Since I had a spare pumpkin, I went ahead with the Hobgoblin bomb thing. Those are absolutely among the all-time best weapons in comic book villaindom. I didn’t get the mouth quite right, because pumpkins become progressively more difficult to carve as they shrink. I also didn’t have a Hobgoblin figure to pose it with, so I used Stay Puft instead.
Imagine that. Spider-Man versus Stay Puft. It’d take us ten steps closer to seeing Janine Melnitz and MJ Watson do the double-Doink mirror routine from Wrestlemania IX. I can’t wait!