Ninja Turtles Cracker Topper!

Let’s kick this baby off with a photo of Krang, dressed like a soft serve ice cream cone.

But it isn’t soft serve ice cream. It’s mofuggin’ Easy Cheese.

Side note: Mondo Gecko’s tongue has always bothered me. It looks like he’s biting it.

I admit that diving straight into Krang smothered with cheese might be construed as “too random,” but I had every reason to do this.

See, last December, a reader named Mike mailed me a box of “food items” (empty cereal boxes, mainly) that he was having trouble selling on eBay. Deep within that box was a peculiar item that appeared to be shaped like Leonardo’s head.

It was the official Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cracker Topper, a freebie packaged with cans of Easy Cheese back in 1991.

I could tell you what it’s meant for, but Leo already said it best:

“Shape your Easy Cheese to look like me.”

Oh, Leonardo. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that. The fact that you said it in the midst of a katana training session makes it that much merrier.

This is inarguably better than 99% of the world’s other molds, because you’re supposed to fill it with Easy Cheese. You’re filling a Ninja Turtle head with cheese, guys. The only thing guaranteed to be on the bucket list of anyone you ask.

The instructions encouraged me to “overfill slightly,” so I did. The issue is that “slightly” leaves perhaps too much open to interpretation.

I had a feeling that I was going overboard on the Easy Cheese, because I can’t remember a time when I didn’t go overboard on the Easy Cheese. It’s as close to a birthright as anything involving cheese can be.

I refused to believe that the one time I had to hold back was when I filling a Ninja Turtle head. Seems wrong, and cruel.

Yup, just as I suspected. Too much cheese. This would only work if I was trying to present Leonardo as an overindulgent king, wearing a robe with the gaudiest fuzzy collar. I could see that on Donatello, but Leo is too minimalist.

Subsequent attempts came out better.  I’m totally flipping out. I can make Turtle-shaped cheese piles whenever I want. I finally understand the point of Splinter’s many zen rants.

I can’t believe this slipped by me in ’91. I would have been all over it. I’d have invited my friends over and spent all morning making them TMNT cheese crackers, never once admitting that I was already too old to be doing that.

Let it be known that today was a good but secretly stressful day, and for whatever it’s worth, making Leo cheese was by far its highlight.