I’d never heard of Wayback Burgers before last night, when a pal on Twitter told me that I had to locate one and travel there and eat things and take pictures and basically throw caution to the wind with respect to every other facet of my life except THIS one.
And he was right.
Today I saw God, in the form of a weird cheeseburger with a little plastic Ghostbusters thing stabbing into its bun.
In what seems like a riotously overblown promotion for the new Ghostbusters Blu-ray release, Wayback Burgers — a chain of not-so-fast food joints similar in scope to Johnny Rockets — has reworked their menu to include 300% more Ghostbusters food.
Me and Jay drove to the nearest Wayback Burgers restaurant this afternoon, darting through pockets of traffic while making a list of the things we’d give up for Lent if this screwball burger place really DID have a Slimer-themed milkshake topped with 200 marshmallows.
We each ordered all three of their supernatural special editions, which in retrospect seems like something they should’ve made us sign waivers for, first. This was so much food. There are meals you eat, and there are meals you survive.
First there’s the Ghostbustin’ Burger, which adds pepper jack cheese to two beef patties, and then slathers that whole mess with ghost pepper sauce.
Get it? Ghost pepper sauce? A tenuous link to be sure, but who cares about such minor details when your burger has A GHOSTBUSTERS SIGN POPPING OUT OF IT?
It’s the official Ghostbustin’ Burger breadpick. Yes, I took it home. It’s currently chilling on top of our microwave, wondering if those whispers about spray cleaners and shadow boxes were just pillow talk.
(And yeah, I know “breadpick” isn’t a word, but can we all agree that it should be?)
Picture a Wendy’s burger, but a Wendy’s burger from a restaurant that’s better than Wendy’s. The bun was soft and airy, the cheese sharp and spicy, and the sauce jussst out of bounds enough for me to believe that ghost peppers really were in play.
On the side were several Mac & Cheese Bites, brought into the Ghostbusters fold by the addition of — you guessed it — more ghost pepper sauce.
I’d actually never eaten one of these before today, owing to my long-held belief that putting macaroni into a fried, breaded shell could only lead to a mouthfeel similar to hot brains.
I was wrong. They’re delicious. Like biting into cheese bombs that hurt a little but felt good a lot.
For dessert, shit got even more dramatic.
I don’t mean to alarm you, but this temporary milkshake from an obscure burger chain that you have no access to is the best thing that anyone will see during the 2016 Halloween season. If you’re not local, just book the flight and be done with it. You need to experience this milkshake. It’s a scar you won’t hide.
The Stay Puft Slime Milkshake breathlessly condenses the combined powers of Slimer and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man into one overflowing cup of sugar. Mine looked just as good as the promo pic, striped with a kiwi-lime sauce and topped with enough marshmallows to build an action figure snow fortress out of.
The milkshake mixes vanilla ice cream with a toasted marshmallow flavoring, contrasting beautifully with the citrus-based sauce. It’s the only food that’s ever given my tongue the same sensation as a 9V battery.
(Bonus points: You could even argue that it’s the spiritual successor of Hardee’s Slimer Sundae!)
Some may only see a burger and a weird milkshake, but I see a marker that will separate 2016’s Halloween season from all that came before. Kudos to you, Wayback Burgers. You did 500x more than you needed to, and that was before you tossed in the breadpick.
I live for things like this.
Given today’s caloric intake, I may also die for things like this.
(Thanks for the tip, Tom D.!)
PS: If you missed it last night, the latest episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast has dropped… along with a special bonus show that we’re selling on the side! Get all the details, over here.