Wackadoo promotions for the new Ninja Turtles movie are all over the place, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I know a lot of folks are feeling “cautious” about Michael Bay’s take, but whatever. A movie you don’t like is just a movie you don’t like, and it needn’t spoil the parts of Turtledom that you do like.
Even if it ends up being terrible, I’ll be glad it exists. Without that movie’s need for mass awareness, I wouldn’t be able to drink baby blue Crush soda with pictures of Leonardo on the bottle. Nor would I be able to order NINJA TURTLES PIZZA.
Yes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pizza! On a tip from a reader (thanks, Derick), I learned that Pizza Hut has released FOUR special “Cheesy Bites” pizzas, each intended to be the “favorite” of one of the Ninja Turtles!
They put a lot of thought into the toppings, too. Leonardo and Donatello have comparably healthy pizzas, which makes sense. Leo’s is vegetarian, while Don’s mixes grilled chicken with fresh Roma tomatoes. (Tell me you couldn’t see Donatello specifically requesting “fresh Roma tomatoes.”)
Raphael’s pizza, on the other hand, is shamelessly meaty, with pepperoni, sausage, bacon and crumbled beef. That also makes sense. If there’s one Ninja Turtle who would call Pizza Hut and order “a pizza with every fucking animal you have,” it’s Raphael.
But Michelangelo’s is my favorite. As the group’s resident party animal, he naturally chose the weirdest blend of toppings. That’s why I picked his pizza for a hands-on review!
Behold, Michelangelo’s pizza, topped with pineapple, pepperoni, smoked ham and spicy jalapenos. You have to admit, if you were going to assign this pizza to just one Ninja Turtle, it’d be Michelangelo.
The smell is obscenely good. On the drive home, my entire car stunk like parmesan cheese and boiling olive oil. I felt like I was trapped in a giant garlic knot, and I guess, all told, there are worse places to be trapped.
It may not look pretty, but trust me, it’s delicious. The spicy jalapenos contrast nicely with the sweet pineapple, and each slice’s crust has been replaced with a row of perforated “Cheesy Bites” — those being oily, mozzarella-stuffed bread knobs served with their own vat of marinara sauce. Unbelievable! And not something you should eat more than once a year!
Still, the thrill isn’t so much in the flavors as the simple idea that you’re celebrating the Ninja Turtles by eating pizza. Adults can and should get a kick out of this, but just imagine if you were a kid, running through each Turtle’s pizza week by week. “Come on, Mom! Order the Donatello!”
I’ve written plenty about the similar promotions that I grew up with, and I know how those small moments helped turn boring days into something special. I can’t help but envy the children who will spend the next month singularly focused on eating all four Ninja Turtle pizzas. Much as I’ll forever recall eating gross pudding pies because Hostess dyed them green, those kids will create lifelong memories… just by eating pizza.
Kickass promotion. Here’s the online menu, if you feel like making dinner weird and wonderful.