Red, White & Berry Pop-Tarts!

I found patriotic Pop-Tarts.

Okay, so exactly how popular are Pop-Tarts, anyway? I can’t name another food that gets anywhere near this many special editions. Kellogg’s goes nuts for every holiday, and I don’t just mean the big ones. If it’s on the calendar – any calendar – Kellogg’s makes a Pop-Tart for it. (For some holidays, they even make two!)

So no, I’m not surprised to see these. Frosted Red, White and Berry Pop-Tarts are “bursting with berry flavor” and colored like our nation’s flag. More importantly, they arrive in a box so aggressively celebratory that I’m halfway crocked just from looking at it.

I say this whenever a new one comes out, but I mean it this time. There has never been a prettier Pop-Tart.

I know I’m in the minority on this, but I look at Pop-Tarts as I would any painting. I admire the colors and the strokes, and I try to figure out what it all means. When something looks this good, it must have something to say. You don’t get this dolled up just for the hell of it.

So go ahead, filthy American Pop-Tart. The floor is yours. Make us believe what you believe.

Is it possible to look at them and be in a bad mood? Only if you’re surrounded by death and financial peril. I’m printing photos of these and taping them all over the house. So long as I’m home, pain will never register. I’ll stub my toe on the vacuum cleaner, look up, see the Pop-Tarts, and forget that it hurts.

And no, I’m not overstating things. Let’s replace the entire sky with the image of a Red, White and Berry Pop-Tart. Let’s see how people treat each other after that.

The pastry portions are heavenly red. Not so red that they remind us of blood or anything icky, but still red enough to pass as part of Old Glory. Paired with white frosting that’s been dotted with red-and-blue candy sprinkles, each Pop-Tart looks like the tongue of some freaky Uncle Sam robot monster.

The flavor is… okay, I guess? The red gunk in the middle tastes like regular strawberry jam, and the pastry itself, while sugary, is fairly muted. It’s good, but like Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers, this is another all-American edible with a flavor that can’t match wits with its colors.

That was Kellogg’s subtle way of telling us, “THESE ARE NOT FOR EATING.” Strange that they’d mix Caps Lock with subtlety, but I never pretended to understand Kellogg’s.

Where was I?

Oh, right. “THESE ARE NOT FOR EATING.” They’re not! Forget printing up pictures. We’re supposed to just nail these to our walls directly, and enjoy the visual stimulation for as long as they stay fresh.

Case closed, motherfucker.