Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers!

I found some new Twizzlers today. Most of you wouldn’t think that a new Twizzlers flavor is just cause for a complete and total shift in one’s religious beliefs and personal trajectory, but before you put a stamp on that stance, check out the photos in this review. Because Holy Jesus.

To correctly identify these takes a lot of words, so I’m only going to do it once. Officially, they’re Raspberry Wild Berry Lemonade Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers. These are the Twizzlers that sit on Santa’s lap and ask for everything.

I’m calling them Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers. It’s shorter. More alliterative.

Of course, I’m not entirely sure that they’re meant to celebrate our great nation. The colors are right, and the package is adorned with several fireworks, but the Hershey Company refused to take things any further. I guess that lets them sell these in other countries without making people explode.

Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers are downright attractive. They barely look edible, but I somehow mean that as a compliment. The huddling strands of red, white and blue inspire me to weave Twizzler purses to sell at flea markets. For some reason, the regulars will know me as “Rosy Red.” I’ll be told I’m a real pistol.

Just you TRY to name something prettier than these Twizzlers. I agree that taste is a subjective thing, but if you’re familiar with the criminal works of Maelstrom, you know that there’s always an anomaly. In respect to judging pretty things, this is the anomaly. Subjectivity cannot affect Patriotic Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers’ reign over all other Good Looking Things.

If there’s a downside, it’s that the candy tastes nowhere near as good as it looks. (As if that’s even possible.) It’s still tasty, though. The white lemonade strands add a pleasant bite, while the other two mix deep berry flavors to keep things out of the Pucker Zone.

(Good. The Pucker Zone has eighty thousand connotations, and none of them are positive.)

If the concept of Pull ‘n Peel Twizzlers is somehow new to you: Yes, you really can peel these into individual strands. Each piece includes nine strands, and how you eat them is up to you. Some people like them whole. Others prefer to laboriously separate each strand, in bizarre, ritualistic scenes set against candlelight and MP3s of recorded thunderstorms. And there are probably other methods somewhere in the middle, too.

Okay, so this post. A quick skim tells me that I went off the rails by the tenth syllable. May as well go for broke.

Remember my Panettone Cake Monster? The one I made in December and swore to keep forever? Well, I have kept it, and I will continue to do so. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it a makeover every now and again.

Behold, the Patriotic Panettone Cake Monster. He’s ready for summer. So am I.