The Trash Pack Schoolbag!

I feel I’ve committed a grave sin in having waited this long to say anything about The Trash Pack, a line of wonderful little monster figures made by Moose Toys. On the scale of M.U.S.C.L.E. but with the sensibility of Madballs, this is the exact kind of thing that someone like me should publicly support. God, please forgive me.

Well, God probably doesn’t care. But I hope Moose Toys forgives me.

There’s a veritable army of figures available, each hidden inside its own tiny garbage pail. If you like monsters, you will fall in love with the Trash Pack instantly. There isn’t a single Trashie that I don’t like.

One is based on a diseased seagull. Another looks like Frankenstein’s monster. Then there’s a Trashie who is literally a living wad of chewed bubble gum. How on earth am I supposed to pick a favorite?

Some Trashies are rarer than others. Admittedly, this is how Moose Toys gets you to buy duplicate Trashies. You may end up with ten “Rancid Steak” figures, but that’s the cost of hunting the ultra rare “Bin Scab Beetle.” Oh sure, some people will hit the jackpot on their first purchase, but if our lives have been any indication, it won’t be us.

I can’t say enough good things about these figures, but I’m going to stop here. There’s already plenty of Trash Pack info online, from the full story on their official site to a fan’s view by my buddy Jonathan.

No, I’m here to tell you about something else. The motherfucking Trash Pack schoolbag.

Heaven sent and sold in Toys “R” Us, I’d never parted with 17 bucks so hurriedly. There are times when I spot things and think, “That’s pretty cool, I can probably get a post out of it.” This was nothing like that. When I saw the Trash Pack schoolbag, some unseen camera man zoomed into my face. Later, an After Effects wizard surrounded my head with a radial blur. You couldn’t snap your fingers in the time it took me to sprint across the store for this thing, and even a day later, I AM STILL SO GODDAMNED IN LOVE.

It is the schoolbag without equal. I love it so, so much. Covered with Trashie graphics and with an oversized front pocket in the shape of a trash can, lined with shiny phony aluminum, I am gonna go back in time, to father ten sons, just so I can send them to class with Trash Pack schoolbags. AHHHHHH!

Total work of art. Just an absolute, total work of art. Like the toys, this schoolbag was a labor of love. No nook was left unexplored. Every inch of this thing is awesome, and even though I’ve spent the last twelve hours hugging it, I still feel like there’s something I missed.

On a quick count, eleven different Trashies are featured.  It’s only now hitting me that they chose school-appropriate Trashies, like Rotten Apple and Mouldy Milk.

Mouldy Milk!  A schoolbag with Mouldy Milk on it!  Screw the time machine, I’m going back to college. I’m only 347 credits away from my degree, anyway. I’ll be the star of the campus with my Trash Pack schoolbag. And my pink sneakers with the broken soles. And my self-cut Caesar do. Ohhh, yes!

Okay, I admit it. This may seem like the type of thing I could’ve just photographed in the store, effectively saving 17 bucks. Your theory only works if you’ve never experienced the sheer exhilaration of transforming a schoolbag into wall art. Besides, I had an even bigger reason to take the plunge.

Every Trash Pack schoolbag comes with a free Trashie figure.

SCHOOLBAG, STOP IT! Stop finding new ways to be great! I don’t want to peak at 33, over a schoolbag!

If I can find one fault with the Trash Pack schoolbag, it’s that Moose Toys didn’t include super mega rare Trashie figures exclusively. If some fans are iffy about wearing their Trash Pack pride so boldly, the guarantee of super mega rare Trashies would certainly convince ‘em to.

That’s my way of saying, “I got Rancid Roach, and he’s listed as a common Trashie.”

Guess I’m still hunting the Bin Scab Beetle, then.

Toys like this need the support of the manchild crowd, so go buy yourselves something trashy.

Trashy as in Trash Pack. I don’t mean like, a framed lenticular portrait of a tiger.

Nice, right? I especially like how the tiger is flanked by snow-covered bushes and what is potentially coral.

Plus, it transforms into an almost-naked lady when you look at it from another angle.

I bought it from a Japanese gift shop in Brooklyn. It was a toss-up between this, and one of those big golden cat statues that wave their paws and promise good fortune. “Maneki-neko,” I believe they’re called. But those things cost 55 bucks. Tiger-Lady was only 10, frame and all.

Go get yourselves some Trash Pack figures. If you find the Bin Scab Beetle, I will trade you ten Stale Breads.