Welcome to the 29th (!!!) edition of Five Random Action Figures, posted during the busiest holiday weekend of the year. If you’re reading this between now and July 5th, congratulations, you are one of the lucky dozen to do so.

Below: Five more action figures from the ‘80s and ‘90s. Had I planned this better, they’d all be holding those toothpicks with the little U.S. flags on top. There’s always next year. I’ll be 73.

Emperor’s Royal Guard
Star Wars (1983)

Wow, has it really taken me 29 editions to cover this guy? As a kid, the Emperor’s Royal Guard was my absolute favorite action figure. It wasn’t even a close race.

While future lore would make more of their story, these were the seemingly ceremonial guards first seen in Return of the Jedi, flanking Emperor Palpatine and adding splashes of color to the otherwise drab Death Star. They only served as set dressing in the film, but I was immediately taken with their flowing robes, slick helmets and apparent dedication to the mafioso principles of omertà.

In action figure form, the Emperor’s Royal Guards looked just as regal, and kicked off my near-lifelong obsession with toys that utilized real, actual fabric. Seems that most collectors prefer molded clothing these days; I can only assume that they never tore the robe from an Emperor’s Royal Guard to make a fancy finger puppet.

On that note: I went through a dozen of these figures as a kid, and it had nothing to do with army building. As much as I loved those robes, I loved tearing them off even more. Underneath the main cloak was a crimson cocktail dress, which worked great whenever I staged some grand toy gala complete with Gravy Train steak dinners.

I’d end up tearing that robe off, too, and then begin begging for a new Emperor’s Royal Guard. Really couldn’t name many other figures that were worth picking twelve times. Kudos, Kir Kanos! Read More…

I get the strangest care packages!

My good pal Jerrod K. accurately predicted that I’d be so into this. A pile of Sunday newspaper ads from July 11th, 1993! They were all in gem mint condition, and though I suppose I could just ask, it’s more fun to simply wonder why he had a newspaper from 1993 just laying around.

Though nothing in the pile carried the nostalgic weight of, say, an old Kay-Bee Toys circular, it still brought back many swell memories. Below are scans of some of the highlights.

Nabisco Crackups!

Talk about obscure! I haven’t thought about these since… well, 1993, probably. Apparently I’m not alone, because on an internet that has around 40,000 pages dedicated exclusively to the sesame cake scene from Congo, I can only find a handful of references to Nabisco Crackups.

If I’m remembering them right, Crackups were like the perfect midpoint between Cheez-Its and Doritos. A bit thicker than chips, but still thin enough to make firecracker noises when you ate them. They were like Better Cheddars with attitude. Read More…

Even with its 80 trailers and 500 TV spots, excitement for the Ghostbusters reboot is being fueled as much by junk food.

From Ecto Cooler to misshapen marshmallows to Key Lime Slime Twinkies, I can only hope that I have half as much fun watching the movie as I’ve had eating it.

…and the hits just keep on coming!

In a shocking twist, Hostess has now doubled-down on the new movie, following up their Key Lime Slime flavor with the all-new White Fudge Marshmallow Twinkies — with, of course, a wink and a nod to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Word of this promotion only spread a few days ago, and even then through leaky circumstances. It’s unusual for something like this to be played so close to the vest. I love how Hostess was all “naw nothing’s going on we swear” when they had a secret battalion of soldier elephants beyond their front line. This is big motherfuckin’ marshmallow news.

The Twinkies are exclusive to Walmart, and are only now trickling into stores. Me and Jay had to drive for over an hour to track them down, passing the time with such road trip topics as “What if they DON’T have the Twinkies?” and “No really, what if they DON’T have the Twinkies?” Macabre pacts were formed.

Fortunately, they had the Twinkies. Read More…