“They can’t be serious. What is this, a translucent breadbox?”

Nah, I think it’s just some kind of holding tank. Either way, a pretty junky gift. In fact, it’s so junky that I refuse to respect it with a bold font. These Playmobil Advent Calendars really love their peaks and valleys.

“This gift sucks. I’m opening tomorrow’s. I don’t care what you say.”

Uh, I was going to suggest the same thing. It’s not like I know how to rock an entry about a tiny holding tank that holds nothing. I’d have to go way out of my depth on the existential humor. Read More…

Expecting more disappointment after that hideous stretch of tree parts, Dino Drac is pleasantly surprised by today’s gift.

Meet Safari Woman, a fiery brute who may actually just be a statue.

“She’s not moving! She’s not moving at all!”

Actually, Dino Drac, she is moving. She’s just doing it really slowly. Not sure why.

“This is stupid! Should I push her?”

I tell Dino Drac to give her some time. After all, Safari Woman had been trapped in a box for weeks, with what was assuredly limited oxygen. And that says nothing of the emotional effects.

“But the guy we got on December 1^st was fine when he came out. I’m going to push her!”

I’m quick to admonish him. I’ve seen the power of these Playmobil women. There’s no reason to risk being blasted with fluorescent lightning just because my dinosaur has a sick obsession with pushing people.

“Can I at least rename her? I see her more as a Gracie.”

Fine, fine. She’s Gracie. Now step away.

I wouldn’t normally post two videos so close together, but I think the combination of the background music and my trademark five-minute pauses make this one especially suitable for late night weekend viewing.

Behold, top-drawer thingamajigs from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation:

PS, you have read this month’s Christmas Vacation feature, right? YOU HAVE TO.

Novelties based on stuff from Christmas movies are nothing new, but sweet Jesus, these are over the top. The video covers the electronic Attacking Squirrel, along with an item so enormously awesome that even if I shouldn’t spoil the video by telling you what it is, I NEED TO HAVE A PHOTO OF IT ON THE SITE:

It’s the motherfuckin’ Moose Mug PUNCH BOWL, which looks a giant mutant version of the mugs from the movie. It’s fragile, cumbersome and stupidly expensive, but I will never rue the day that I chose this over car insurance.

Hell, I’m already thinking ahead to my family’s Christmas Eve bash. I’m suddenly motivated to make a weird ass holiday salad, just so I can serve it out of this big moose head. Then one of the kids will break it, and I’ll spend the rest of the night hunting pity with a good sulk.