Ancient Holiday Appetizers, Part 8!
Time for my most important article of the year: Ancient Holiday Appetizers!
Every December, I dig through old cookbooks looking for edible holiday thrills, no matter how out of style. This has been my favorite Christmas tradition of the past decade, full stop. I couldn’t imagine letting a holiday season slip by without messing with clams and Cheez Wiz.
For this year’s edition of Ancient Holiday Appetizers, most of the recipes were plucked from 1980s lifestyle magazines. My mother kept a stack of similar mags in our least-used kitchen cabinet. Even as a kid, I was fascinated by all of the weird foods that already seemed antique by the late ‘80s.
Writing these articles is a way for me to feel better about those many hours spent studying hors d’oeuvres while the fitter kids were out playing tag. Enjoy!
Stove Top with Minced Clams!
(McCall’s, December 1980)
Gag all you want, this stuff is GOOD. I found the recipe in an old print ad, but you hardly need it to play along. Just make Stove Top as you normally would, but toss in a can of minced clams and the juice that comes with it.
If you can imagine a crab cake with less crab and more cake, that’s this stuffing. The clams are barely visible and don’t do much to the texture, but they add an oceanic kick that doesn’t sound like it’d work on Stove Top, but totally does.
The end results are surprisingly mild. I wouldn’t confuse this with “normal” Stove Top, but on a blind taste test, I’d never guess that there was an entire can of clams in there.
SCORE: 8 out of 10. I can’t say that I prefer it to unadulterated Stove Top, but on certain occasions, I’d definitely make this again. (Actually, if my family’s Christmas Eve party wasn’t canceled this year, clammy stuffing would’ve fit in perfectly with all of the traditional seafood.)
Cranberry Sauce in Orange Shells!
(McCall’s, December 1980)
If you make nothing else from this article, at least try this! (The zigzagged orange serving cups are optional, though I shudder to think that there’s even one person who wouldn’t create zigzagged orange serving cups when given that option.)
The recipe calls this a “sauce,” but it only barely qualifies as one. You just simmer four cups of cranberries in a simple syrup made from water and sugar, and though most of the berries will pop and ooze during that process, the goal is to leave them intact. In the end, it’ll look and taste like you tried to rehydrate Craisins with corn syrup.
There’s something wickedly “vintage” about this dish. Modern cranberry sauce recipes very often limit the sugar and strive for nutritional balance, but this one gives no shits. It tastes like straight-up candy, with a 80/20 sweet-to-tart ratio.
SCORE: 10 out of 10. Would make again, will make again! Read More…
Purple Stuff Podcast: Christmas Songs VI!
The Purple Stuff Podcast’s holiday tradition continues! For the sixth straight year, we’re ready to boost your playlists with another batch of our favorite Christmas songs!
With so many volumes under our belt, this was a tall order! Me and Jay from Sludge Central dug deep to come up with ten more picks for 2020, with artists ranging from Leona Lewis to, uh, Alpha 5.
This is one of our favorite shows to do each year, and we’re glad to give ya a little distraction during this highly unusual holiday season. Prime your ears for music from Garfield, Kylie Minogue and Scooby-Doo!
Click here to listen to this week’s show!
As a reminder, the Purple Stuff Podcast is also on Patreon, where you can grab an additional bonus show every month. Thanks so much for all of your support over there. December’s bonus episode is dropping soon! Read More…
Dino Drac’s December Funpack is here!
If you’re already a Dino Drac Funpack subscriber, good news: You’re among the only people locked in for the December Funpack!
For the rest of ya: Subscriptions are maxed out for this month, but I will have a few spares to sell once I finish the first shipments. Skip to the bottom for info on how to get on the waiting list — it’ll be first come, first serve!
(AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES ONLY!)
Soooo, ALL THAT SAID, here we are! The December 2020 Funpack, where I tried to create the perfect Christmas morning and fit it inside a hefty brown box. Read More…
Classic Christmas Commercials, Volume 18!
There are some big swings in this edition of Classic Christmas Commercials, so if you thought I’d be down to the dregs by now, THINK AGAIN.
A Fruity Pebbles Christmas! (1986)
I’ve covered this spot before, but in an ancient article that’s unrelated to this series. Forgive me for double-dipping, but this one *needed* to be a part of Classic Christmas Commercials.
I don’t know if I’d call it my favorite Christmas commercial now, but it certainly was during childhood. I was obsessed with this ad, which for me was a bigger indicator of the holiday season’s arrival than even those ringing Hershey’s Kisses.
Santa squashing Fred and Barney’s longstanding cereal beef was THE feel-good moment of the ‘80s. It came off less like a commercial and more like a thirty-second prime time special. It wasn’t just a lucky break for Post, either — everything from the animation to the sound design was several steps beyond the typical Pebbles Cereal TV spot. This was made to be major, and it was!
Every time this came on television, it was an instant dopamine hit. I’m surprised that Post hasn’t yanked it out for a nostalgia run, since the most-affected people are now choosing cereals for their own kids.
Snuggle Bear Christmas Ornament! (1986)
As some of you know, I’m in love with Snuggle Bear. Always have been. While the more recent “iterations” have been cute, nothing beats the original Snuggle Bear — literally a teddy bear come to life, with a voice that taught me about ASMR before it was even an acronym.
Back then, my adoration was almost painful. It was another “Gizmo situation” where I wanted nothing more than my own pet Snuggle Bear, but had absolutely no way to get one. Living, breathing teddy bears just didn’t exist.
This commercial — specifically the last fifteen seconds — shows Snuggle Bear at his all-time cutest. Just you try not to adore Snuggle Bear as he crawls out of a fireplace wearing a Santa hat, giggling at himself. Seriously guys, my kingdom for this fucking bear.
(And yeah, I fully intend to grab an official 1986 Snuggle Bear tree ornament from eBay. Might not get here until after Christmas, but since I intend to hang it from my rearview mirror, that’s okay!) Read More…