Big news: I’ve finally identified the name of an old children’s game show that’s been on the tip of my tongue for over thirty years.

It was called I’m Telling. (Properly stylized with an exclamation point at the end, but I hate it when titles do that.)

According to its Wikipedia entry, the series premiered in September of ‘87 and only made it to the following March. It was one of those weird, low-fi game shows that aired directly after Saturday morning cartoons, when most kids were already outside trading bikes or arm-wrestling lizards or whatever the hell kids did out there.

Naturally, I was still inside, clinging to the last bits of kid-targeted programming before every network switched over to five hours of boring bullshit. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 03/14/20
Permalink | 73 Comments

I remember every theatrical experience I’ve ever had. I think most people do, right?

I’m not necessarily saying that we’re capable of listing every single movie we’ve seen in theaters, but if someone brings up a particular film and you did see it in theaters, you probably remember it.

I know I do. I remember the movies, obviously, but also where I saw them and who I was with. Often enough, I remember the “unimportant” details better than the films themselves. For instance, I saw Princes of Thieves in theaters, but literally all I could tell you about that flick is that I spent half of it having a popcorn fight with my friend Jonathan.

Below are four films I saw in theaters, and the memories of those experiences. This may turn into an ongoing series, if there seems to be any market for articles about what one guy remembers about the soda from long-closed multiplexes.

Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie
(August 1987, Age 8)

I’d caught the flu and was incapacitated for several days, because that’s how kids like me rolled during summer vacation.

After our family doc confirmed that I was well enough to rejoin the living, my mother took me to the movies. I guess that was my prize for surviving the flu? This was an early weekday afternoon, so the theater was almost totally empty.

I have no idea why I picked Garbage Pail Kids. The stickers had already fallen out of favor with my friends, who’d bought into the urban legend that they were “bad luck.” I did, too, and had a wall full of scratched-off demon baby stickers to prove it.

Still, it was hard not to be a little curious about live action Garbage Pail Kids. Surprisingly, we weren’t the only people in the theater. We were the first ones to leave, though, after roughly 15 minutes.

Even at that age, the target age, I was completely grossed out. I get that being “grossed out” was kind of the point, but this was different. I felt my organs blacken at the mere exposure to this movie. Watching it was like drinking from a puddle at the filthiest street corner.

I sunk lower and lower into my chair, until Ali Gator — a Garbage Pail Kid who was half-alligator, you see — casually ate a severed finger. At that point, it was time. I asked my mother if we could leave, and to the shock of no one, she had zero problems with that. Read More…

Posted by Matt on 03/11/20
Permalink | 118 Comments

Maniac Cop 2 is a wonderful horror movie that improves upon the original in every way.

At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually seen the whole thing, despite listening to the Maniac Cop Rap several times each week. I did watch the first 15 minutes, though, thanks to a tip from my pal Sammy Hain.

See, early in the film, there’s a scene set within a street corner deli. If you inspect that scene closely, you’ll spot all sorts of awesome junk foods from 1990:

The scene establishes Maniac Cop as a… well, maniac cop, who stops an armed robbery only to kill the clerk himself. It’s a tense sequence that doesn’t exactly beg you to keep an eye out for old Kool-Aid, but that’s exactly what I did.

I don’t know if the filmmakers rented an actual deli or just fabricated one, but since the place gets totally trashed, it’s probably the latter. In any case, it certainly looks like a legit 1990 street corner deli. A really good one, too, complete with Joe Camel signage and an Operation Wolf arcade cabinet.

None of us have been inside that store, but every single one of us has been inside that store. You know what I mean.

There are many recognizable foods on the shelves, but they’re for the most part things that we can still obtain today, in nearly identical packaging. I did manage to pluck out a few items that were worth pausing for, though. If you were looking for extra reasons to champion Maniac Cop 2, below are five of them: Read More…

Posted by Matt on 03/05/20
Permalink | 62 Comments