I’ve been doing some spring cleaning, so before I shuffle parts of my old candy collection onto shelves that are too annoying to reach twice, I thought I’d pay tribute to them here. Turning crud into content makes me feel less bad about buying twenty-year-old Spider-Man gumballs, after all.
Candy Mouse Candy Tarts!
Just another of the endless parade of “computer-themed” candies from the late ‘90s, Amurol’s Candy Mouse blends a computer mouse with a real mouse into something so mousy, I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. Mmoouussee?
Filled with lame candy tarts, you were of course only buying this for the container. With a length of black cord that could be construed as a computer mouse’s wire or a real mouse’s tail, I’m simultaneously impressed and aggravated with Amurol’s insistence on serving two masters. Mousters?
Life Savers Fruit Juicers!
Life Savers Fruit Juicers arrived in the late ‘80s, and they were fantastic. While really just regular Life Savers in new flavors, Nabisco made them with real fruit juice.
Lots of candies are made with fruit juice, but Fruit Juicers somehow made that seem more important than usual. A lot of it had to do with the old TV commercials, which were heroically tropical and made you feel like these were the candy versions of Mai Tais and Pina Coladas.
I was especially fond of the “Mixed Berries” flavor, which tasted like Grade A cherry cough drops. The memory of that taste is making my mouth water, and before the night ends, I’ll probably find out what kind of damage 25-year-old Life Savers Fruit Juicers can do to a stomach.
Hobgoblin Pumpkin Bombs!
I was way too happy to add this to my collection. From 1995, it’s a package of Hobgoblin Pumpkin Bombs! I’m no big Spider-Man nut, but from everything I’ve seen, the best things to ever come out of his corner of the Marvel Universe are Hobgoblin’s Pumpkin Bombs.
In the comics, those bombs are around the size of apples, but shaped like little jack-o’-lanterns and capable of blowing stuff up. By contrast, here they’re just orange gumballs, lacking even faintly-painted scary pumpkin faces to separate them from normal gumballs. I’ll give that a pass, because the idea that Hobgoblin — Hobgoblin! — got his own candy is such an incredible underdog story. Don’t stop believin’.
Rain-Blo Bubble Gum CD Player!
This is probably the fifth time some wacky old Rain-Blo gum container has turned up on Dino Drac. It amazes me that “weird gum containers” was such a lucrative business.
From 1994, this Bubble Gum CD Player houses 25 miniature gumballs — no doubt the same ones thrown inside Rain-Blo’s Bubble Boom Box.
The container is more reminiscent of a Sony Discman than a full system, sadly reminding me of the time I spent all of my birthday money on one, only to break it three days later. Oh well. Given that the entirety of my CD collection consisted of the Star Wars soundtrack and a disc full of disco-enhanced sci-fi themes, I’m not sure that I really needed one, anyway.
Chew B 40 Bubble Gum?!
Oh hey, and speaking of CDs! At some point in the ‘90s, Zeebs Enterprises went nuts and released no less than six different bubble gum CDs, parodying everything from Snoop Dogg to the Ninja Turtles.
In this version, Zeebs mocks UB40 — the “Red Red Wine” guys — with Chew B 40. There’s even a track listing on the back, including such hits as “Red Red Gum” and “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With Chew.”
Okay, I’m officially down with Chew B 40.
Zeebs used actual CD cases to make these, and the “gum discs” inside were only a teensy bit smaller than true CDs. It may seem like a weak novelty today, but I can totally see the kid version of me going crazy for edible blueberry CDs in cases covered with Saved by the Bell graphics.
I never know how to end these candy tributes. Let’s try a haiku.
I like old candy!
It gives me the chance to type
“Zeebs’ Chew B 40.”