Halloween Bread?

Pepperidge Farm may have peaked with their Goldfish crackers, but this comes close. Keep an eye out for a new pair of autumn “Swirl” breads, in the style of raisin bread, but with fruity bits that are far more appropriate for a season filled with death and monsters. Yes!

On the left, Caramel Apple. On the right, Pumpkin Spice. It’s amazing what simple words like “caramel” and “spice” can do. If these breads had plainer “Apple” and “Pumpkin” titles, I’d be less interested by a factor of forty zillion.

Maybe fifty zillion on the Pumpkin Spice bread, actually. I really need that “spice” in there. Pumpkin is something I’ve never been able to accept as food. The only way I can eat bread stuffed with chunks of pumpkin is with the knowledge that said chunks have been doused with enough edible incense to make my kitchen stink like a 1997 head shop.

This is truly fabulous bread. Big, thick slices, with enough swirls and dots to make each piece double as a Magic Eye puzzle.

Go on, try it. Stare at that Caramel Apple slice for a minute. Don’t tell me you can’t see the snake!

And the aroma? Good God, the loaves are as good as Yankee Candles.

You can see bits of apple and pumpkin in their corresponding slices, mixed with other ingredients that transform these bits into things that are technically no longer fruit. The consistency is akin to jelly bean meat, which is to say, jelly beans without the hard shell. I concede that there’s probably a better way to put that, but in my defense, it was crazy fun to type “jelly bean meat.”

Oh yeah, the flavor. It’s good!  I usually don’t go for weirdly stylish breads, but these are cakelike in their breadishness. If the team at Starbucks is truly as evil as someone somewhere is saying right now, we’re like two days away from ‘em selling these out of their gourmet pastry cabinets for three bucks a slice.

Somewhere in the midst of prepping this review, it hit me that BREAD, even this bread, might lack the certain je ne sais quoi necessary to warrant a tribute on the Halloween Countdown. That’s why I broke out the spooky cookie cutters.

Heloise was right: They ain’t just for cookies.

The Caramel Apple slice was supposed to look like a ghost, but the end result is more like Fozzie Bear smoking a joint. I’m fine with that, for reasons numbering as high as four figures.

The Pumpkin Spice slice was supposed to look like a pumpkin. And I guess it does.

Are Pepperidge Farm’s Halloween breads worth trying? Not gonna dignify that with a response. I just showered 450 words’ worth of praise on them. Where were you?

  • http://untappd.com/user/GoatRoyale GoatRoyale

    Good Lord, do I ever want some of that pumpkin bread! My usual breakfast nowadays consists of low cal wheat bread & oatmeal, but it will be damn hard to resist replacing it with this magical Pumpkin Swirl and a bowl of Count Chocula come October.

    Now to grab a (‘nother) cold one and find something spooky to watch – Hooray for a FOUR day weekend!

  • wiggles

    I feel your pain, Violetta. Here in Dallas it’s usually around 100 well into October–i remember one Halloween that was over 100–i fucking hated that.

    I’m a sucker for anything “pumpkin spice” related.

  • Modok

    The Halloween header graphic is AWESOME!!!

    I’m so glad DD is getting into the spirit. I think I spotted all the references: Freddie, Jason, Pinhead, Chuckie, zombie, Harley. Did I miss anything?

  • Modok

    …er, oops, I didn’t even realize there was a post about the graphic yesterday. I thought it was brand-new today. I hate when new entries sneak past me. I’ll stop posting now.

  • http://familiarletters.wordpress.com mummifiedstalin

    I hit an apple orchard today. It may have hit 90 by 10 in the morning, but I’ll be damned if September isn’t reason enough to get ready for fall and Halloween. I bought some candles, drank some cider, and I’m on a frickin’ autumn tear to hell and Halloween.

    Look, it’s difficult to be hard core about a season, but DD does it better than anyone else.

  • spooky

    I suppose it must be because you live in such an important large market, Matt, but half (or more) of the awesome halloween brands you review dont make it here. boy Im going to keep looking, & I hope that bread is going to be here, because I must have it. at least I know it exists. the search begins!

  • https://twitter.com/#!/Burninfresh Burninfresh

    Fozzie smoking a joint is the best thing ever!

  • http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151118286519699.460463.540884698&type=1 Cheetara

    Hey guys, I’m back from Dragon*Con and have created a public photo album if anyone would like to see it. Just click my name.

  • http://www.youtube.com/hoverbored Hoverbored

    Here’s a juicy piece of news for you, Matt:

    http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/releases/Life-Complete-Series/12397

  • http://www.allmyfriendsmusic.bandcamp.com casiokid

    Hoverbored I am so, so jazzed about that set coming out…I can finally get rid of the poor rips I have.

    I once saw a clip of the ‘Handsome Boys’ photoshoot scene sans laugh track. The whole crew are dying laughing as Chris does his thing, and he doesn’t miss a beat. I’m hoping it’ll be on this set, because it’s a joy to watch.

  • Razzy

    Will try the caramelo breado

  • velouria_78

    Yay Halloweeneyness! The site looks great. I want pumpkin bread.

    Cheetara, your d*c pics are fun! I went for the first time this year. It was pretty amazing.

    And Terror Claws, thanks for the heads up on Beistle in the last thread! There is a random jointed witch cutout thing from my 3rd grade class I think about EVERY Halloween and I found it on there.

  • http://thepilver@wordpress.com kb

    “1997 head shop” ha!

    I love ‘fall’ breads, pumpkin especially. Great find.

  • http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/203405499790444/ Shawn

    My local market had the caramel apple, but not the pumpkin spice. I bought the last loaf, it was pretty tasty.

  • Capt. Jack Harkness

    EAG46: GREAT IDEA! I’m totally making bread pudding with this bread!

  • Pingback: Halloween Bread : A LissProductions Halloween

  • Adam

    I now want this bread. Not sure what I’ll eat it with but I’d like to try it.

  • mexicon720

    Without this post, I would never have laid hands on the *last* loaf of the pumpkin spice at our local Key Food grocery store. 80 calories a slice; food-color me surprised about that. Wonderful taste.

    I cannot wait to pair this with Autumn Mix candy corn and Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat.

  • Rivershine

    “The Caramel Apple slice was supposed to look like a ghost, but the end result is more like Fozzie Bear smoking a joint.”

    I laughed so hard I cried. xD

  • Jered

    LOL. I totally saw a ghost in the carmel apple bread, but after you said Fozzy Bear smoking a joint, I did a double take and literally laughed out loud. It totally does.

  • Asecondsolution

    I was at a random Pick n Save in Wisconsin on a weekend trip, checking out their Halloween section when I happened upon a package of this Caramel Apple bread. It wasn’t in a display. It looked like sOmeone just dumped it in the shelf. I really wanted the Pumpkin variety so I started searching for the place where it came from, but I couldn’t find more anywhere! I asked an employee and he helped me search but we couldn’t find a single other package of either variety anywhere in the store. Weird.

  • http://www.mimitchi33.tumblr.com mimitchi33

    I love the pumpkin one. It tastes good as a cheese sandwich.