Pumpkin Spice Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

It’s 7 in the morning. I haven’t been to sleep yet. Instead, I’m writing about cream cheese, rushing to beat the sunrise, because it will crack my skin and turn me to ash.

I don’t have a choice. According to the news, I’m going to wake up underwater. If I want to tell the world about orange bagel goo, it’s now or November.

Nothing warms my heart more than…a lot of things, apparently. I start off too many paragraphs with some spin on that phrase. It’s time to mix things up.

I was most approving of the thing I spotted in Target’s grocery section, earlier this evening. It was a limited edition Kraft item, and it put an abrupt end to our planet’s four billion year Halloween cream cheese drought. If there was ever a time to know how to spell hallelujah. Ah, it’s in the spellchecker. Good.

Get a load of new PUMPKIN SPICE Philadelphia Cream Cheese, in a tub adorned with a pumpkin and three cinnamon sticks. For reasons known only to Kraft, they used an obviously phony pumpkin for their model. I don’t think the cinnamon sticks were real, either, because look at that one on the bottom. Real cinnamon sticks only unfurl like that like, 1 out of every 50,000 times. I doubt Kraft was that lucky.

I love this sudden boom with foods having “limited edition” runs. I mean, I get it, and it’s true, but it still sounds like permission to treat perishable food like collectibles. Thank God they didn’t go with the more casual “for a limited time only,” or I might feel weird about throwing four tubs of cream cheese into the back of my closet, where they’ll sit next to commemorative coins, baseball cards and other things that are similarly guaranteed to quadruple in value.

Anyway, it’s now 7:45, and I still haven’t seen one single sign of this stupid alleged hurricane. Don’t tell me I drew this for no reason:

Note how I made his hair look like lightning bolts. And how I gave him cloud eyes. Real thought went into this.

When I found the cream cheese, I fully expected it to be “normal white.” If it was a lucky day, maybe there’d be some light orange swirls. Well, nuh uh, it’s actually way better than that. This shit is ORANGE. It’s as close to orange as Kraft could get without making it too obvious that they dyed the cheese. Sneaky bastards knew exactly where to draw the line.

UPDATE: It’s finally started to rain. It’s barely a drizzle now, but if history is any indication, my town will lose electricity when I’m two seconds away from finishing this review.

The color is palatable, at least in the sense that I’ve dipped potato chips into stuff that looks just like this. There is a precedent for food that looks this way.

The smell throws me off, though. It’s not that it’s a bad smell, really, but it’s a smell that reminds me of something else. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t figure out what that something else is. Eggnog, maybe? I’d say freshly baked muffins, but it feels so much more specific than that. I’m going with eggnog.

I wasn’t trying to be cute with the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish bread. It was all Target had left. Remember, the hurricane. Everyone’s in survival mode. They had no bread, and come to think of it, they had very little in the way of pretzels, too. I guess “DEATH STORM” is a carb kind of holiday.

Not kidding, it was bread shaped like fish or no bread at all. And forget about bagels – the guy laughed at me when I asked. Maybe it was my face.

I’m not the right person to judge the flavor. My relationship with pumpkins runs hot and cold, and right now, it’s cold. I don’t want bread smeared with it. I got through a bite, and it wasn’t a BAD bite, but it also wasn’t enough for me to base an opinion on. Which may beg the question, “So why review this cream cheese?”

Honestly, it was pad. It was all pad.

I just wanted to show you my Frankenstorm Monster.

In the words of that guy from the Fugees, from that one song they had, near the middle of the chorus:

Two time, two time.

32 Responses to Pumpkin Spice Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

  1. Nothing happening here either. But now I wish I had a bagel.

  2. My biggest problem with creme cheese is there is never enough of it. When we have bagels at the office I always want to glop on an embarrassingly big amount of creme cheese but instead place a small thin later on the bagel…it’s a lie and I don’t feel good about it.

    I’m in Virginia and we’re just getting some rain this morning but nothing major. I’ve been told the major wind gusts, major rain and and possibly snow will be here later today and through Wednesday…we’ll see.

  3. I’m a bit too far north for FRANKENSTORM to manage much more than a power outage, and not even Irene was able to pull that one off. Northern Vermont is a surprisingly safe place to live.

  4. Pumpkin food is the worst, but Franken-storm is the best…

    This review has me conflicted!

  5. Thanks for putting a face to the name. I had no idea what we were dealing with here. Cloud eyes!
    I hope you guys stay safe from his wrath.

  6. I want this in my mouth, and places like my mouth. Damn Canada and its lack of holiday-inspired cream cheeses. :(

  7. How about taking the uneaten cream cheese and form it into a Frankenstorm sculpture. Please. I ask for so little.

  8. I’m not a huge pumpkin fan either, unless its pie or cheesecake. But cream cheese is pretty close to cheesecake.

    I love Frankenstorm, though! Hope you don’t lose power for days.

  9. I pretended to know what my mom was talking about yesterday when she was warning me about the weather. Matt, once again, you are my trusted news source.

    I’m in NC, so I doubt I’ll see much of anything. But I’ll pick up some emergency red wine and brownies, just in case.

  10. I had Pumpkin Nutmeg ice cream this weekend, and that was pretty much one of the best things mankind has ever created. It was like delicious pumpkin pie filling, in ice-cream form.

    Sadly, since I was on vacation for a few days, I really need to do my regular grocery shopping. But because of this hurricane, I feel like nothing will be left except for fat-free versions of things.

  11. Yum, that looks good, and I don’t even like cream cheese. I do love pumpkin versions of anything, though.

    Despite the fact that it’s pouring and blowing like crazy in Southern New Jersey, five minutes from Philadelphia, the local weather reports are claiming Sandy hasn’t arrived yet. Screw them. If this isn’t hurricane weather, I don’t know what is. They probably haven’t looked out a window in the last eight hours or so. The hurricane is really supposed to hit here later tonight.

    Regardless of when it does hit or if it already has, I hope everyone here who is in its path (Matt too) stays safe.

  12. Your version of Frank en-storm is way better than the rain and crap were having right now. I doubt it will lead to anything more than just rain upstate. I am worried about the rest of the tri-state area, I hope you can get through this with just a power outage, and no need for a life raft.

  13. That shit is amazing. I bought one tub, then went back to find a massive cockwad’s worth so it would last me the rest of the year, only to find it had disappeared. So glad it’s back.

  14. Inquiring minds want to know – sweet like pumpkin pie or cream cheese with pumpkin and cinnamon hints?
    Thanks for all you do every year – you are the lead-in to the entire holiday season for me!

  15. I detest cream cheese, but if I were to be brought back to the non-evil side of it, that pumpkin spice would be the one to do it. Unfortunately I think it’d end up being like the time I went to a client’s Christmas party, and they had this big block of dill cream cheese. I like dill, so I thought it’d surely cover the taste of the cream cheese. I was wrong. I wanted to scrape my tongue, but had to settle on quickly eating some lox. I want to like cream cheese, because Kraft seems to have based 90% of their recipe collection on the stuff.

  16. Hazelnuts is the other thing I can’t get paste teh taste of. Once Kraft had a recipe for a cream cheese ball coverd in hazelnuts. I think it was a grenade meant for me.

  17. My city’s school district is totally closed today and it’s barely drizzling. I think people just like to have an excuse to flip out and buy tons of food.

    But, according to weather.com, at 4pm today it just says “squall.” Sounds serious.

  18. I can’t find this or the Pumpkin Eggos ANYWHERE, and with November coming soon, all of this stuff will be replaced by Christmas stuff.

  19. the bread thing reminds me of the time there was a peanut blight when I was a kid. the only kind of peanut butter available was goober, the one with the jelly mixed in. which was fine because what kid wouldn’t want that?

  20. Cream cheese is acceptable only when it is transformed into cheesecake. I’ve tried those flavored cream cheeses before and they all just taste like cream cheese to me. Bleh.

    Stay safe!

  21. I would like to say Dunkin Donut’s has had Pumpkin Cream Cheese since August 26! it is TO DIE FORRRRRR!!!!! Oh my Lord.

    Then again…anything remotely pumpkin flavored, I am gonna eat it….

  22. I would so buy this cream cheese. Without you Matt how would I know to search the supermarkets for pumpkin spice this or that? I’m home today because of Sandy and may be tomorrow. Already lost power here (Long Is.,NY) early this morning but the line men had it back up by 11am. It’s 2:30 pm now and the wind and rain is picking up…hope the lights stay on. A dark house with bored kids is not fun, I’d rather walk out into the storm. ;)

  23. It’s 3 PM here, it’s raining, and my apartment is shaking in the wind. But if I end up impaled on the spire of the church a few block away, at least I’ll die knowing I was killed by Franken-Storm. And by being impaled on a church, which is pretty cool IMO.

  24. I need to hire a squirrel to gnaw a portrait of Matt into a pumpkin, if the price isn’t too pretendous.

  25. Awwww! Frankenstorm is cute! I don’t care for flavoured cream cheese but I appreciate the review.

  26. I also bought this, but was disappointed. I guess because the sweet of pumpkin spice and the sour of cream cheese just don’t go together too well. You imagine it tasting like one thing, but the cognitive dissonance when you actually eat it is a little weird. It’s not a BAD food product, it’s just not the amazing concoction I thought it’d be.

    Now, a while ago I got maple pumpkin butter from Ross or TJ Maxx or one of those stores, and THAT stuff was amazing!!

    (P.S. Matt and everyone in the Northeast, please be safe. As a native South Floridian, I know all too well how horror-movie awful it is to have an enormous storm slowly and methodically creeping toward you.)

  27. This needs to be in my life (or, rather, in my tummy). Why is there a hurricane right now? I need to go the grocery store.

  28. I ate some of that stuff last year. Normally I’m big on pumpkin-flavored foods, but this cream cheese didn’t work out all that well. I think the problem was the spice.

    As for the storm, it’s coming dangerously close to ruining my Halloween.

  29. Nice monster. I’d like to try some of this. I love anything pumpkin flavored. As for the storm, my news station often blows things out of proportion too. At least the power didn’t go out before you could post the article.

  30. Without Matt, I’d never know about all the wonderful Halloween edibles! Thanks again!

  31. Actually… the sticks pictured on the tub are definitely not cinnamon, fake or not. They’re cassia, which is what gets passed off for cinnamon in supermarkets. Real cinnamon is much more tightly rolled, to the point it almost looks like a cross-section of a cigar.

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