Dinosaur Dracula!

Doritos 3D’s STILL EXIST.

Get ready to have your minds blown: Doritos 3D’s still exist.

No, I’m not talking about those Jacked 3D things. I mean the really real deal versions. The ones that look like pregnant Bugles.

THESE:

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But hold on. There’s a catch. To the best of my knowledge, Doritos 3D’s are only being produced in Mexico. Home of the foghorn.

Fortunately, a small pool of southwestern eBay sellers caught wind of the nostalgia, and now regularly import them. They’re selling them at a premium, of course, but nothing terribly major. (The snack sized bags are around three bucks each on eBay. That’s a lot for chips, but still way cheaper than trips to Mexico.) Read More…

Ssseven Sssensational Sssnakes.

Tonight’s article is about ssseven sssensational sssnakes.

Specifically, monster snakes from all walks of pop culture, and by that I don’t just mean “very large snakes.” (You won’t find the Basilisk on this list.) I was more interested in unearthing creatures that were predominantly snakes but still only kinda sorta snakes. Make sssense?

Enjoy the ssshow. Don’t worry, the “sss” gimmick ends here.

Cobra Commander!
G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

If you’ve never seen G.I. Joe: The Movie, yes, that really is Cobra Commander. The film featured a major tonal shift from the regular cartoon series, existing as a weird sci-fi/horror/action hybrid that raised plenty of eyebrows in its day. It was too much of a departure for many fans, but I loved it.

In the movie, we learn that Cobra Commander was actually working at the behest of his freaky Cobra-La bosses, who believe that he dropped the ball on their extremely protracted global takeover plot. As punishment, he’s exposed to yucky spores that cause disturbing mutations.

Now rapidly transforming into a literal snake, Cobra Commander forms an unlikely partnership with the heroic Roadblock. G.I. Joe: The Movie has many killer scenes, but perhaps none so memorable as Cobra Commander griping over his fading humanity to a temporarily blind Roadblock. “I wassss once a maaaan!”

Near the end of the film, Cobra Commander atones for his past sins by helping the Joes in a critical moment. Course, his redemption was a tad bittersweet, since by that point he’d completely turned into a snake and was almost certainly better off dead. Pretty heavy stuff for G.I. Joe! Read More…

The Angriest Whopper is awesome and red.

Burger King’s Angriest Whopper is like a surprise hit of Halloween during springtime.

They’re not advertising it this way, but it’s obviously a “sister burger” to the legendary (and infamous) Halloween Whopper. I love Burger King’s increasing obsession with dyeing bread, and I cannot mean that more sincerely.

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Note how they used tilted pepper graphics to create a character out of the wrapper. It’s no big leap to imagine this subtle demon as an all-out mascot, with fries for teeth and a body made of flames. You’ve heard of Lucifer? This can be Juicyfer. Read More…

Purple Stuff Podcast: Wrestling Memories!

It’s WrestleMania weekend!

While I admit that I’ve become more of a fair weather fan, WWE’s WrestleMania still feels like a holiday. The event is this Sunday, but there’s enough wrasslin’ shit going on for fans to make a whole weekend out of it. I’m very much looking forward to spending 48 hours buzzed and buzzing. And maybe even live-tweeting some trivial nitpicks.

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If you’re a wrestling nut, I think you’ll enjoy this week’s early-arriving episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast.

It’s WrestleMemories, with me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit. We’re both lifelong devotees, with decades’ worth of silly stories to share — from Jay meeting Cap’n Lou Albano to me hiding pictures of Miss Elizabeth in a crummy safe.

And hey, if you’re not a wrestling fan, hopefully the story about my horrible junior high ice skating trip is still worth listening to.

Check it out by clicking the giant play button below!

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You can also download this week’s episode by right-clicking here.

Reminder: The Purple Stuff Podcast can also be found on iTunes, Stitcher and Podbean.

Thanks as always for lending us your ears! Read More…

A huge buncha toys from 1985.

Some print ads are worth spending whole days obsessing over.

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…like this one, from 1985!

As part of a special co-promotion between Toys “R” Us and Post Cereal, kids had a chance to win a $1000 shopping spree. If you plucked the winning game piece from a box of Super Golden Crisp, you’d get to zip around your nearest TRU and fill multiple shopping carts with as much as you could grab.

Similar contests ran throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s, and I know I’m not the only one who used to daydream about winning them. In the mind of a child, that $1000 maximum sounded more like a million. The idea of getting everything you ever wanted all at once was totally intoxicating.

This Post Cereal contest ran in 1985, so naturally, the print ad basically mashed the entirely of that year’s Sears Wish Book onto one overstuffed page. (Especially incredible is the fact that even that much stuff couldn’t have retailed for $1000, so the winner presumably went home with even more!)

If you’re having trouble identifying all of the goodies in that shopping cart, no worries, I took care of it for you. Read on, and imagine getting all of this treasure on one exciting afternoon! Read More…

The Best Vintage Simpsons Junk on eBay!

After my TMNT eBay romp, reader/pal Sammy Hain suggested doing one for The Simpsons. I’m so game.

Below are some of the most interesting pieces of Simpsons memorabilia currently on eBay. I stuck with stuff from the show’s earliest years, when Homer and Bart were still the coolest dudes in town.

If you’re too young to have been with The Simpsons from the start, man, those were different times. The show still has millions of fans, but at the beginning, the cool factor was off the charts. During its first few seasons, it was by far the safest thing to obsess over… because literally all of your friends were doing the same thing.

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Bart Simpson T-Shirt!
Asking Price: $39.99

In a rare case when I was ahead of the curve, I was the first kid in school to wear a Bart Simpson t-shirt. (Fourth grade, if I remember correctly.) It was a bootleg found in Manhattan, from back before there even were official shirts.

The other kids treated me like a hero, and quite liking the feeling, I made sure to wear that cheap shirt 3-4 times a week. It was my first experience with the law of diminishing returns, but that’s neither here nor there.

Soon enough, “real” Simpsons tees — like the one shown here — were available everywhere. Seemed like every kid had at least two of ’em.

Because some included light obscenities, my school eventually banned all Simpsons shirts. Boy, we were PISSED. Kids took to wearing them under other shirts, only revealing their true allegiances during recess, away from prying eyes. Really, when a $10 t-shirt was all it took to brand you as a cool kid, no grouchy principal was gonna stop you. Read More…