I suppose there isn’t much value in spooky junk food reviews this late into the season, but whatever, I’m doing this one just for me. I mean, the idea of a whole Halloween Countdown slipping by without any coverage of Ghoul-Aid Popping Candy? Shit makes me sick.
Sooo, here’s the third edition of 2019’s Best Halloween Junk Food, featuring everything from Skittles that taste like vomit to pizza that thinks it’s a pumpkin.
The Ghost Whopper!
(Available at Burger King)
We spent the whole season wondering if Burger King would come through with another huge Halloween promotion, and the answer is… um, kind of?
Meet the GHOST WHOPPER, with its deathly pale white cheddar bun. It’s only available at 10 locations in the United States, which is cool if you live near one and absolutely soul-destroying if you don’t.
Me and Jay drove all the way into Philadelphia to try these, but if you wanna hear that story, you’ll need to listen to this month’s Purple Stuff bonus episode. For the purposes of this review, I’ll just say that Ghost Whoppers are really, REALLY good, and totally deserved a nationwide release.
The white cheddar bun isn’t just tasty, but also softer than Burger King’s norm. (Which I appreciate, as I’ve always found Burger King’s regular bread to be pretty cardboardy.) I guess I can’t claim that it’s as visually striking as the Halloween Whopper or Nightmare King, but man, basing a cheeseburger on a goddamned SHEET GHOST hits all of my sweet spots.
GRADE: A+. (And that A+ is strictly for the execution of the sandwich. BK’s new lean on this “10 restaurants only” gimmick is icky, and I hope they stop doing that.)
(Found at Target)
The rumors are true. They really ARE disgusting. Mixed into every bag of otherwise-delicious Zombie Skittles are candies that look normal, but taste like — and I’m quoting them, here — “rotten zombie.”
People have compared the taste of Zombie Skittles to everything from rotten eggs to garlic aioli, but I found the flavor to be more in the area of “artificial tomato.” I know that doesn’t sound so bad, but in practice, holy fuck yuck.
The taste is more subtle that you might expect given all of the melodramatic reviews online, but it’s undoubtedly foul. Like, foul enough to where you’ll gladly sacrifice all of the good Skittles to avoid eating a few more bad ones.
GRADE: A. When I first heard about Zombie Skittles, I assumed they’d go with a “safe” bad flavor, like black licorice or something. The fact that one of the biggest candy brands on the planet deliberately added vile trash is just so impressive — and so Halloweeny.
(Available at Papa John’s)
Papa John’s Jack-O’-Lantern Pizza isn’t new-for-2019, but it’s new-to-me. Admittedly, the $11 pies look a lot nicer in the promo shots, with neatly arranged pepperoni slices and perfectly-placed olive eyes. This is like the pizza version of that Tinder vs. Reality meme.
I can’t explain why Papa John’s built my pizza the way they did, but I guess it still sort of resembles a carved pumpkin? A carved pumpkin with seven eyes and a mouth shaped like Hurricane Penis, but a carved pumpkin all the same. I dunno. At least it has the stem?
To be honest, I loved it more like this than I would’ve had they prepared it correctly. I felt like Charlie Brown in that Christmas tree lot. This pizza needed me. I showered it with love… for five seconds, and then ate everything but the pepperoncini.
GRADE: A. Sorry dudes, I know you want me to be more critical, but do you really expect me to shit on a pizza that looks this much like Little Face?
Ghoul-Aid Popping Candy!
(Found at Dollar Tree)
Because it arrived so early in the season, I think we’ve started to take Ghoul-Aid Popping Candy for granted. In my view, this was the single biggest surprise of the 2019 season. The fact that three-packs only cost one dollar is just the gravy, baby.
Each packet contains a mouthful of Scary Berry popping candy, as blue as the Caribbean Sea. I didn’t like it when Kool-Aid switched Ghoul-Aid’s Jammers flavor from blackberry to “generic” berry, but it works much better in knockoff Pop Rocks form. This stuff is delicious, and you’d wanna eat it even if it didn’t turn your tongue into the pan from those old “Brain on Drugs” PSAs.
Also, take a look at the package. Notice how the Kool-Aid Man is holding a packet of candy? And how the Kool-Aid Man on the packet of candy is also holding a packet of candy? And how the Kool-Aid Man on the packet of candy on the packet of candy is also holding a packet of candy? This is your brain on drugs.
M&M’s Ghoul Mix Cookies!
(Found at Target)
I’m totally in love with M&M’s Ghoul Mix sugar cookies. For one thing, they’re only “sugar cookies” in the technical sense. These babies pack way more flavor than you might expect when you hear “sugar cookies,” which are often — let’s be real — kinda bland.
It’s mostly due to the extras, though. The mix is stuffed with TONS of M&M’s and TONS of Halloween sprinkles, and I’m not capitalizing “TONS” just for fun. Holy shit, there is A LOT of candy in these. Every single bite feels like you’re eating half of the pieces from a board game.
Plus, you get to bake cookies. That sort of holiday activity is usually more in Santa’s arena than Samhain’s, so I appreciated the excuse to get all Betty Crocker up in here. The heavenly aroma practically put me in a state of euphoria, and they tasted like something the coolest kid in second grade would’ve had at his birthday party.
GRADE: A+. That may be a touch high, but between the vampy mascot and the fact that the alleged “bat” sprinkles look more like handlebar mustaches, I can’t bring myself to go lower.
Thanks for reading! If this article encourages you to spend the final days of the 2019 Halloween season eating delicious garbage, GOOD. If you’re looking for more last-minute spooky food ideas, make sure you’ve read Part 1 and Part 2, too.