Burger King’s NIGHTMARE KING Burger!

Burger King saved Halloween again:

In what must be considered the sequel to 2015’s Halloween Whopper, Burger King has unleashed THE NIGHTMARE KING, a “burger” that’s more like a buffet. Pair that with their dark-as-night Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta, and you pretty much have to dine at Burger King before October 31st.

So off I went. THE NIGHTMARE KING cost almost nine bucks, which seemed ridiculous until they handed it over. That sandwich is heavy. Like, not heavy enough to bowl with, but heavy enough to hurl at a control panel in a last-ditch effort to kill the Rancor.

The Frozen Fanta was somewhere in the area of three dollars, which I suppose was reasonable enough for a drink that resembled twelve ounces’ worth of black masago.

I’d forgotten my debit card and only had $10 on me, so when you envision this trip to Burger King, make sure you include the part where I run back to the car to fish dirty coins out from under the seat, and eventually return cradling 3 quarters, a bunch of dimes and enough cellophane Twizzler wrappers to insulate a 3-BR ranch.

THE NIGHTMARE KING is an absolute beast. Burger King claims that the ingredients are scientifically proven to induce nightmares, which is undoubtedly the coolest Halloween food gimmick of all time.

If I have the story right, the ghoulish green bun gets its color from watermelon of all things — meaning it’s a mostly-natural dye that won’t cause the same infamous side effect as the Halloween Whopper. (I can neither confirm nor deny this, as I have no anus.)

The green bread isn’t as visually striking as 2015’s pure black bun, but it’s still super Halloweeny, evoking everything from mold to swamps to toxic sludge. Dig in!

It’s a three-meat monstrosity, mixing a cheese-topped burger with bacon rashers and a slab of fried chicken. There’s a whole fuckin’ farm in there.

I forgot to order mine without mayonnaise, which I despise, so naturally it came with enough mayo to ice a cake. (I have a hard time believing that even those who love mayo would want that much of it. Biting into this felt like lancing a boil.)

I carefully chose bites that would produce the least amounts of mayo, and I had to admit, THE NIGHTMARE KING wasn’t bad. Under no normal circumstance would I ever order something like this, but considering that it was literally a bacon-beef-chicken sandwich, I was surprised by how well the flavors blended.

Taste-wise, I wasn’t so much “impressed” as just amused by its inoffensiveness — like when Sophia discovered that chipped beef worked better in a straw purse.

Only slightly less noteworthy is Burger King’s Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta. If you’ve never had a Frozen Fanta, they’re like Slurpees that never achieve the perfect temperature. Good for sure, but never quite “fluffy” enough.

I’ve seen some complaints about this one, from people disappointed that their “black” Fantas were actually purple. All I can tell ya is, mine was black. Jet black. Unreasonably black. The blackest thing I’ve ever eaten.

The cup looked like that goth bottle of sand art I made in the eighth grade — black sand in one hand, a copy of Death: The High Cost of Living in the other. I still have the haircut. (Knowing me, I probably still have the sand art, too.)

The drink is essentially a Slurpee-version of Ghoul-Aid, so of course I loved it.

I’ve had a rocky October, but man, there was no way I was gonna miss this. A nightmare-inducing green burger and a coal-black frozen soda? If I’m a shark, this was Burger King chumming me.

When we look back on the 2018 Halloween season and name the things that separated it from all other Halloween seasons, Burger King’s efforts are right up there with the new Michael Myers movie and Freddy Krueger’s Goldbergs spot. Don’t miss this stuff, guys. You’ll regret it!