After all my years of blogging,
I’ve learned a thing or two.
Like how stories about oatmeal…
Won’t mean much to you.
Before I even started writing,
The bloom was off the rose.
So whatever, fine, fuck it.
I’ll do it in rhymed prose.
It’s Pumpkin Spice flavored oatmeal,
A hot new thing from Quaker.
All I’ll need is some warm water…
And I’ll feel like I’m a baker.
So is it “Pumpkin Spice” or Pumpkin and Spice?
I’m not completely certain.
Methinks the copy editor hit the sauce…
When he was supposed to just be workin’.
Inspecting the oatmeal while it was dry,
It looked a bit like cedar bedding.
If eating this junk doesn’t work out?
To Petco I’ll be heading.
Prepared as directed, the oatmeal was done.
It appeared too much like stucco.
If you were hoping for some orange-dyed circus…
Sorry, you’re out of luck-o.
It tasted good, it tasted grand!
But still the meal lacked something.
I needed to kick this up a notch,
To feel better about munching.
Quaker Oatmeal with Dinosaur Eggs!
Now that would do the trick.
Pumpkin spice stegosauruses?
The new definition of “slick!”
I stole the eggs from the second oatmeal,
And then set them on a plate.
It was almost time to make weird magic!
I could hardly stand the wait.
At first they looked like grubs in grass,
And that wasn’t very pleasant.
The dissolution felt like weeks!
But it was really just one second.
With the aid of neon dinosaurs,
My oatmeal became so much more.
“The best breakfast on the planet!”
Of this I was 60% sure.
Served with orange and tomato juices,
Plus a pumpkin for decor!
Can’t believe what I spent on this picture.
They better love me at the store.
Mutant oatmeal under the bluest skies!
Not something I’d soon forget.
But writing a poem about the experience?
That… I might regret.