Spikey Bulba eats donuts.

A quick run to Dunkin Donuts for a Big Ass Coffee has changed my life for the better. Check out this little standee:

Yeah, of course I pocketed it.

Dunkin Donuts has a ton of promotions going on for Men in Black 3, from cosmic cocoa coffees to star-shaped donuts. Way more interesting than the edibles, though, is an utterly fantastic app that lets you capture your own alien.

I have a decent phone, but I never use it for anything beyond the norm. I am one behind-the-times mother, and e-mails and texts are as far as I go. Still, for a creepy alien hostage, I will absolutely make an exception.

The app works like a Tamagotchi on steroids. Your captured alien is named “Spikey,” and he’s pretty cute for something that looks like a skinned mutant bull. I haven’t been paying any attention to the new MiB movie, but a quick search confirms that Spikey really is an onscreen character. I’d much rather believe he was a custom creation for this promotion, so I’m gonna go ahead and pretend that.

Spikey squeaks like a mouse while shuffling back and forth, and that alone makes whatever they’re calling this a contender for Best App Ever. I’m still amazed that it was free, and even more amazed at how much Spikey can do when you stop admiring him and start fucking around with him.

To “level up,” you feed Spikey coffee and donuts. And you know, I think that bears repeating.

To “level up,” you feed Spikey coffee and donuts.

The coffee is especially useful, as it affords us some sense of scale. I’m guessing Spikey is just under two feet tall. The image of him sucking down iced coffee is going to be a permanent fixture in my brain’s hap hap happiest place.

As you feed Spikey, he gains new abilities – which are more or less “taunts.” For starters, you can make him spin, giggle and dance. It doesn’t seem like a mean thing to do, because Spikey very much seems to enjoy these activities.

There’s even a button that makes Spikey sneeze. As I’d hate to imagine that my new pet alien is a profuse bleeder, I must hope that red snot is normal on his homeworld.

You’ll even unlock a few games. You can play Tic-Tac-Toe against Spikey (you’ll always win; Spikey sucks at it), or you can try to halt his escape by deflecting laser beams.

The app wants to portray Spikey as a nuisance who is constantly looking for an escape, but I know better. I’m treating Spikey well. I might force him to sneeze, but I’m giving the guy thousands and thousands of virtual donuts. He has no reason to leave. He likes it here.

A separate bio section gives us a bit more info about Spikey. One, his full name is Spikey Bulba. Two, I was wrong about his height, because that’s clearly listed as 1’1”. Three, he’s apparently delicious, and considered a delicacy among other alien species.

That third part upsets me, big time. Spikey is way too adorable to eat. I don’t know how anyone of any species could watch this guy slurp down iced coffee and still be okay with eating him. Again, I find it hard to believe that I’m protecting the world from a Spikey invasion. No way. I’m protecting Spikey.

Maybe I’m an easy sell, but I cannot remember a time when I had more fun on my phone. If you’re interested in protecting Spikey from the many bastard aliens who want to cook him, send a text to “386546” with “mib3” as the message.  (Like, soon. This won’t last forever.)

PS: Anyone who comments about how dirty my phone is will be hunted down and shot.