2016’s Best Halloween Junk Food, Part 2!
Get set for another batch of 2016’s best Halloween junk food!
(…with the same asterisk that we had last time. When I say “best,” I just mean “most interesting.” Sometimes, pretty things taste pretty bad!)
Butterfinger Peanut Butter Skulls!
These are terrific! I’m not sure if they’re new-for-2016 or just something I overlooked last year, but I hope these wackadoo chocolate faces are here to stay.
You’ll notice that the skulls look precisely as good as the ones on the package, which almost never happens with this sort of candy. (Ever get one of those “Christmas tree” cups from Reese’s? They look like Dittos.)
Between the chiseled teeth and the bolt-shaped cracks in the skulls, these are as much art as candy. I wasn’t sure if I should eat them or mail ‘em to MoMA.
I won’t claim to prefer these to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but I definitely prefer ’em to regular Butterfinger bars. They’re creamy and they’re rich and they look like chocolate versions of Halloween coloring book pages.
GRADE: A+. I can’t think of any reasonable way to improve them. Read More…
Halloween Garlic Doritos?! They’re real!
Many countries have their own exclusive Halloween snacks, and if they’re especially good, the rest of the world can only seethe and stew over their geographical plights.
Or if you’re like me, you just spend a fortune on international shipping for weird Doritos.
Below are three of Japan’s Halloween snacks for 2016, ironically from companies that we in the States consider utterly American. You’re so going to want these. You’re not going to rest until you’ve eaten these.
Garlic Pepper Halloween Doritos!
This is it, baby! This is the one! Even though I can only procure bags of Garlic Pepper Doritos from iffy mail-order companies, I’m 100% ready to call them the top junk food promo of the 2016 Halloween season. These are unstoppable, untoppable and some other almost-rhyming, half-fake word.
In fact, Jay made a pitch for Garlic Doritos just like these on the very first episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast. The execution is even better than we could’ve hoped for. I know he’s hard to notice in the photo, but there really is a vampire on the packaging. (You can see part of him on the center-left. He’s shying away from the Doritos, as if to say, “AH GARLIC I will NOT be sucking the blood from these particular chips, no sir.” Because that’s how vamps talk. He also reappears on the back of the package.)
Upon opening the bag, the stench was pleasantly akin to cheap ramen, with maybe the softest hint of dehydrated shrimp. The jet black chips taste like garlicky soy sauce, salty and tangy and completely motherfucking delicious. These are so legitimately good that I know it’s only a matter of time before they dupe the flavor and try for a broader release.
10 out of 10, A+++. Read More…
Anti-Halloween Propaganda from 1990!
You know you’ve found the right video when there’s a goddamned McDonald’s Halloween pail on the cover:
(Look close. That’s totally McGoblin.)
Released in 1990, Halloween: Trick or Treat was the first in a long series of order-by-mail videos collectively known as The Pagan Invasion. Made by a Christian production company, the series warned God-fearing people about the occult’s secret infiltration of everyday society. It’s essentially propaganda meant to make you think twice about having fun with spooky stuff, because Jesus don’t play that.
The first tape focuses exclusively on Halloween, and by the end of it, they outright say that no good Christian should celebrate it. It’s cheesy and it’s ridiculous and I’m hardly the first person to notice that, but this video is also a secret treasure trove for Halloween and horror fans.
The footage is amazing, with shots of costume shops, video stores and even home video conventions from the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. If you tune out the hosts, it’s such a treat to see. (I’d go so far to say that the producers admonished with one hand and baited with the other, praying for our souls while preying on our desire to wallow in spooky, awesome stuff.)
The interviews are just as fascinating. A few are with former satanists (complete with helpful chyron identifying them as such) who tell horrible stories that cannot possibly be true, unless I’m to really believe that they chose this direct-to-video series as a forum to dish on murders they’d personally witnessed. Those segments felt like a mix of Unsolved Mysteries and the iffiest 20/20 exposé, so of course I loved them.
The whole video is already on YouTube and comes with my strongest (if weirdest) recommendation, but I took the time to clip out some of the especially interesting segments. Watch ‘em below! Read More…
Five Random Action Figures, Part 32!
Here are more of my favorite spooky action figures from the ‘80s and ‘90s, photographed in a moldy forest:
Shish Kebab Beetlejuice
Beetlejuice (1989)
By far the best figure from Kenner’s Beetlejuice collection, Shish Kebab Beetlejuice also wins the award for weirdest. His “scary skewers” impale everything from chicken legs to alien rats to Beetlejuice himself, and best of all, they’re completely removable.
(If you’ve ever seen a beat-up Beetlejuice with a bunch of holes in his chest at a yard sale, that was this one.)
As a kid, I found the Beetlejuice line a little too gimmicky. With their weird features and removable heads and turning knobs and hidden buttons, they almost felt more like gadgets or puzzles than action figures. But now that I’m sitting here playing with Shish Kebab Beetlejuice and realizing that nirvana is this and it was always this close, I wanna warp back to ’89 and beat the shit out of me.
There’s just something so artful about this guy. By “artful” I’m of course referring to the fact that you can pop off his head to reveal a smaller head that’s actually just one big spinning monster eye. Everybody needs a Shish Kebab Beetlejuice. Only then will the world begin to heal. Read More…