Now more than ever, junk food is the lifeblood of the Halloween season. It’s how people like me stay motivated for two months straight.

I don’t mean the act of eating junk food, mind you. That’s cool and all, but I’m talking about hunting it. Every year brings a new batch of Halloween foods, and every year, people like me make tracking ’em down the official “game” of the season. Basically, it’s Halloween GO.

The boo-tiful byproducts are the many associated adventures. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve driven to towns or cities I’d never visited prior, all because someone on social media told me about something dyed orange or shaped like a bat. The food gives me focus, but what I really love is the excuse to turn each day into a scavenger hunt. It’s the journey, baby.

…so when I show you these Halloween Frosted Flakes, I get that you might be thinking, “no big deal.” Maybe it’s not so big to you, but after driving to six department stores and finally finding one single box at what could only be termed The Most Last Resorty of Last Resort Walmarts, this was huge for me.

I mean, I didn’t start singing Mad About You to Tony the Tiger right there in stupid Walmart for non sequitur purposes.

This is one of three similarly-styled kiddie cereals out from Kellogg’s this year, but since the Apple Jacks and Froot Loops are merely returning players, I’m gonna focus on the Frosted Flakes. The hot new Halloween Frosted Flakes.

It’s a decisive win from the start. Notice how Tony is oblivious to the fact that he’s trapped in a parallel dimension, one where night is forever and all of the street signs just say things about marshmallows. Rolling with the punches is grrrreat. Read More…

What the hell happened to vending machine slime, anyway?

Once the most ubiquitous vending machine prize outside of gumballs, it’s now been more than ten years since I last saw those gorgeous capsules of neon snot. And it’s not like I haven’t been looking.

It’s hard to imagine that they’re not being sold somewhere. If you’re lucky enough to still have access to these amorphous blobs of awesomeness, don’t take them for granted. I wish I was you. Read More…

I’ve been waiting to write about these STUPID AWESOME POPSICLES for more than a decade. Sounds nuts, but LOOK AT THEM:

I first heard of Good Humor’s Vampire’s Secret ice pops back in the early days of X-E, from readers who kinda sorta remembered them, but only with sketchy, impressionistic details.

The photo above, which belongs to Planet-Q on Flickr, was perhaps the internet’s first slice of legitimate Vampire’s Secret evidence. Posted in the early 2000s, it’s still the best proof online.

I didn’t grow up eating these, and originally believed that I was just born too late to have done so. After all, from concept to design, Vampire’s Secret looks like something from the very early ‘80s at latest, but more likely from the 1970s. In truth, these babies were born in 1992. How in God’s name did I miss them?!

Each black cherry ice pop hid a “cherry sauce” center, obviously meant to resemble blood. Vampire’s Secret pops were on the nose to an almost farcical degree, and that’s exactly what’s so great about them. They probably weren’t made with Halloween in mind, yet they’re the most sincere Halloween treats I’ve ever seen. Linus would eat the shit out of these. Read More…